JUDEA — With his fellow apostle scoring nicknames from Jesus like "The Rock" and "Sons of Thunder", the Apostle James admitted to feeling a tad bit disappointed with being christened "The Lesser".
Babylon Bee
Saint Peter Gently Asks Chuck Norris To Stop Roundhouse Kicking The Cherubim
HEAVEN — After several incidents over the course of his first day in paradise, Chuck Norris was pulled aside by Saint Peter and gently asked to please stop roundhouse kicking the cherubim.
France Explains They Can’t Help Open Strait Of Hormuz As They Already Sent All 15 Of Their Soldiers To Defend Greenland
PARIS — French President Emmanuel Macron explained today that the French Army simply could not help open the Strait of Hormuz as all fifteen of its soldiers have already been deployed to defend Greenland.
Man Smokes Cigar In Desperate Hope To Feel Sick And Become Unattractive To Wife
HOUSTON, TX — Local man Matthew Coggins lit up a cigar this afternoon in a bid to feel terribly nauseous while simultaneously causing his wife to find him utterly repulsive.
10 Ways To Honor Chuck Norris
Action hero and martial arts master Chuck Norris has departed from this world to fight supernatural forces in the place beyond space. As we look back upon his life, each of us should honor his memory in the best way we can.
Confirmed: In His Final Days, Charlie Kirk Came To Agree With Whatever You Believe
U.S. — Following an extensive study that involved gathering information from all internet users, influencers, and podcasters, it has been officially confirmed that, in his final moments, Charlie Kirk affirmed whatever you believe.
California Abandons $250 Billion Study On Why It Has So Many Unfinished Projects
SACRAMENTO, CA — California’s $250 billion study looking into why it has so many unfinished projects was abandoned while only half-finished, the governor’s office confirmed Friday.
Local Man Likes His Coffee Cold, With Milk, Just Like A Little Baby
SEATTLE, WA — According to sources, local man Richard Stevenson prefers to take his coffee cold and with milk like a little baby.
Theologians Believe Every Meal In Heaven Is Ice Cream In A Miniature Baseball Helmet
NOTRE DAME, IN — After a thought-provoking roundtable discussion, theologians at the University of Notre Dame concluded that every meal in Heaven is most likely ice cream in a miniature baseball helmet.
Newsom Allocates $900 Million For Black Bear Porta-Potties
SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom announced the signing of an executive order that allocates over $900 million of additional funding to the California Department of Parks and Recreation for the purpose of setting up porta-potties for black bears.