With the population of California diminishing of late, we at The Babylon Bee are here to help turn the tide. Here are just ten of the many great reasons why you should turn that U-Haul around and head to the Golden State:
Babylon Bee
Teenage Cashier Desperately Hoping Middle-Aged Man Will Start Up Small Talk With Her
ROANOKE, VA — Upon seeing a middle-aged man join her line, local 16-year-old grocery cashier Mandy Banks began desperately hoping that he would try to start up small talk with her.
Angel Still Guarding Eden With Flaming Sword Wondering If He Can Move Yet
EDEN — Having gone an inordinate length of time standing watch in the same place for many, many years, the angel guarding the Garden of Eden with a flaming sword reportedly started wondering if he could move yet.
Study Confirms Humanity Groaning With Longing For More ‘Animaniacs’
CINCINNATI, OH — A new study from the Center for Television Research shows humanity is deeply yearning for creators to produce more of the beloved ’90s cartoon Animaniacs.
Jesus Ignites Fierce Debate By Feeding 5,000 People For Under $20
BETHSAIDA — Reports confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth had successfully fed a crowd of 5,000 men, plus women and children, using just five barley loaves and two small fish, achieving an estimated cost-per-serving of approximately $0.0039.
‘There Aren’t Bad Pets, Only Bad Owners,’ Explains Woman Out Walking Velociraptor
SOUTH BEND, IN — The debate over dangerous pets heated up again after a woman took her pet velociraptor out for a walk and declared, "There aren’t any bad pets, only bad owners."
Mitch McConnell’s Staff Says He Was Dropped Off At A Farm In The Country Where He’ll Be Happier And Have More Room To Run Around
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Staff for Mitch McConnell assured the nation that the Kentucky senator had been dropped off at a nice farm in the country where he would be much happier and have lots of room to run around.
Man Unsure Whether Wife’s Vanilla Honey Goat Butter Spread Is For Toast Or Face
DALLAS, TX — Local husband Mark Higgins stood frozen in his kitchen Thursday morning, staring blankly at a glass jar labeled "Vanilla Honey Goat Butter Spread" while attempting to figure out if it belonged on his toast or his face.
Trump Meets With Zelenskyy To Ask For U.S. Missiles
KYIV — President Donald Trump scheduled an emergency trip to Ukraine to ask President Zelenskyy for American missiles.
7 Hacks To Obtain A Burrito For Less Than $20
Burritos are really, really expensive these days, apparently. But fear not — there are still ways to get them without having to shell out $20 a pop. You just have to know the right tricks.