U.S. — The Associated Press has warned that despite their deadly nature, medieval trebuchets are mostly exempt from firearm regulations in the United States.
Babylon Bee
Uncultured Philistine Declines To Have Ice Cream Served In Waffle Cone
TUCSON, AZ — Local man Dale Swanson declined to have his double scoops of mint chocolate chip and strawberry ice cream served in a delicious waffle cone, instead opting to have it in a blasphemous paper cup instead.
Kids Excited To Learn Of Cool Alternative To Vaping Called ‘Smoking Cigarettes’
U.S. — Teenagers across the nation are discovering a hip new alternative to vaping, called "smoking cigarettes."
Millennial Figures Out How To Use ‘6-7,’ Signaling The End Of The Fad
FT. WORTH, TX — Local millennial Chad McCallister finally figured out how to appropriately use "6-7" in casual conversation, thus effectively ending the popularity of the fad.
Nation Just Realized Chelsea Handler Has Been Trying To Be Funny This Whole Time
U.S. — According to overnight reports, a dumbfounded nation at last realized that Chelsea Handler has actually been trying to be funny this whole time.
Lakewood Church To Be Renamed ‘DraftKings Arena’ Following Branding Deal
HOUSTON, TX — Lakewood Church officially announced that it would be changing its name to DraftKings Arena as part of a lucrative new branding deal.
Disney Purchases Rights To ‘Robot Jox’ Franchise In Blockbuster $7 Billion Deal
BURBANK, CA — In a surprise movie, The Walt Disney Company announced that it had acquired the rights to the 1990 film Robot Jox in a massive $7 billion deal.
Man Just 17 Home Depot Trips Away From Purchasing Correct Light Bulbs
FORT BEND, IN — After picking up a new pack of bulbs for the kitchen light fixture, local man Kyle Stephens was just 17 more trips to Home Depot away from having the correct light bulbs.
‘The New York Times’ Updates Slogan To ‘All The News That’s Fit To Print Plus Any Rumor No Matter How Implausible’
NEW YORK, NY — The New York Times, one of the country’s most venerated newspapers, announced it was adapting to trying times by changing its longtime slogan to "All the news that’s fit to print plus any rumor, no matter how implausible."
Hockey Ticket Holders Issued Refund After No Fights Break Out
ANAHEIM, CA — Disappointed hockey fans were issued a full refund for their tickets after zero fights broke out during the game.