CHICAGO, IL — In the wake of two historically bad seasons, the owner of the Chicago White Sox has reportedly opted to enter his team into the WNBA to improve their chances.
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Soldiers Issued Crocs So Trump Can Say He Didn’t Put Boots On The Ground
IRAN — The Pentagon has issued Crocs to the 82nd Airborne Division in order to allow President Trump to truthfully say that he has not put any boots on the ground.
Quadruple Amputee Cornhole Champion Claims It Was A Different Quadruple Amputee Cornhole Champion Who Shot That Guy
LA PLATA, MD — The alleged perpetrator of a violent crime publicly voiced his innocence in what he said was a case of mistaken identity, as a quadruple amputee cornhole champion claimed it was a different quadruple amputee cornhole champion who shot that guy.
DEAL ALERT: Save Big On A 20-Pound Weighted Vest By Just Gaining 20 Pounds
Looking to expand your personal gym, but low on cash? Instead of spending money on a 20-pound weighted vest, try just gaining 20 pounds instead.
Another Massive Fraud Ring Exposed At D.C. Old Folks’ Home
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A major new source of fraud was uncovered in the nation’s capital on Tuesday, where investigative journalist Nick Shirley revealed large sums of money were being funneled into a defunct assisted living center masquerading as an upscale old folks’ home.
MLB Umpire Replaced With Cardboard Cutout
NEW YORK, NY — As part of its ongoing agenda to minimize human errors that affect games, Major League Baseball announced that, in addition to using the "Automated Ball-Strike System" technology, all umpires would be replaced with cardboard cutouts.
Man Finally Admits To Gambling Problem After Placing Bet On Women’s Basketball
ANN ARBOR, MI — Local sports fan Adam Cartwright was finally forced to admit to himself that he had a gambling problem after he finished placing a bet on the outcome of a women’s basketball game.
Airport Wait Times Eliminated After TSA Checkpoints Taken Over By Chick-Fil-A
U.S. — Chick-fil-A employees began taking over TSA duties at the beginning of the week, and airline passengers noted that wait times were eliminated almost immediately.
Live-Action ‘Moana’ Remake Saves Money By Getting The Rock $8 Wig From Spirit Halloween
BURBANK, CA — Due to some clever thinking by producers of Walt Disney Pictures’ live-action Moana remake, the $150 million film was able to save big on its budget by just getting Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson an $8 wig from Spirit Halloween.
Terrorists Give Up After Three Hours In TSA Line
NEW YORK, NY — A terrorist became frustrated and decided the attack he had been planning wasn’t worth the trouble after spending three hours in the TSA line at the airport.