CUPERTINO, CA — Apple confirmed it has fired senior battery engineer Daniel Li after he developed a prototype iPhone battery that lasted more than two hours on a single charge.
Babylon Bee
10 Surefire Ways To Execute Criminals
While humanity was once pretty effective at executing criminals, we’ve stumbled a bit as of late.
Nation’s College Students Worried Cornell Incident Will Ruin Ketamine-Fueled Campus Orgies For Everyone Else
U.S. — A poll conducted at several colleges revealed a deep worry among students that the Cornell University incident would ruin ketamine-fueled campus orgies for everyone else.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Accuses The Jews Of Removing Her Brain
ROME, GA — Former congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene once again pointed her finger squarely at the Jews, this time accusing them of removing her brain.
Guys Lowering Paralyzed Friend Through Roof Figure They Could Probably Just Drop Him
CAPERNAUM — After struggling to carefully lower their friend through the roof on his mat, the companions of the paralytic man figured it would probably be okay to just drop him.
FBI Assembles Elite Team Of Investigators To See If All These Terrorist Attacks Can Somehow Be Connected To A Single Ideology
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to the attempted hijacking of FlyDubai Flight 1073, the Federal Bureau of Investigation reportedly formed an elite task force to determine if all these terrorist attacks can somehow be connected to a single ideology.
Man Prays Wife’s Fever Breaks Before It’s Time To Make Dinner
HOUSTON, TX — Local man Chip Wilson spent time in fervent prayer today in hopes that his wife’s fever would break before it was time to make dinner that night.
Letitia James Indicts Trump In Cornell Case
ITHACA, NY — Immediately following her appointment as a special prosecutor to investigate the alleged sexual assault of a female student, New York Attorney General Letitia James announced that she was indicting President Donald Trump in the Cornell case.
4D Chess: Trump Guarantees Republican Victory In Midterms By Renaming Democrats ‘Republicans’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the November election barely over a month away, President Donald Trump guaranteed a Republican victory in the midterms by officially renaming the Democrats "Republicans."
Feminist Mad That The Men She Hates Won’t Date Her
PALO ALTO, CA — Local woman and self-proclaimed feminist Brandy Sidwell expressed frustration this week over the fact that all the men she hates refuse to date her.