WORLD — International fast food giant McDonald’s announced today that it had successfully reduced its entire global workforce to 27 kiosks and one guy named José.
Babylon Bee
Experts Theorize Possible Connection Between TikTokers Celebrating Women Killing Their Children And More Women Killing Their Children
U.S. — Could there be a connection between TikTokers celebrating women killing their children and more women killing their children? Experts at the American Psychiatric Association think there could be.
God Excitedly Waiting To Press ‘Destruct’ On Man’s 40-Year-Old Body
SANDWICH, IL — A new chapter of life was set to begin for one local father, as sources in Heaven confirmed that God was excitedly waiting to press the "Destruct" button on the man’s 40-year-old body.
Liberals Prepare For Anniversary Of October 8, The Day Israel Attacked Gaza For No Reason
NEW YORK, NY — Liberals around the country prepared to commemorate the anniversary of October eighth, the day Israel attacked Gaza completely unprovoked.
Mamdani’s October 7th Address Derailed As Wife’s Party Balloons Keep Floating Across Screen
NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani attempted to deliver a solemn address to mark the anniversary of October 7th, but was derailed as his wife’s party balloons kept floating through the picture.
Ariana Grande Lands Seasonal Gig As Halloween Lawn Skeleton
LOS ANGELES, CA — Singer-actress Ariana Grande was excited to make some extra money this fall as she landed the role of a lifetime as a Halloween yard skeleton, sources confirmed.
Noah Decides 500 Years Old Perfect Time To Settle Down And Have Kids
MESOPOTAMIA — Having sown his proverbial wild oats, Noah decided that, having turned 500 years old, it was finally time to settle down and start having kids.
Jameis Winston Diagnosed With Concussion After Giving Coherent Response
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — New York Giants quarterback Jameis Winston was placed in the NFL’s concussion protocol by team trainers after he gave a coherent answer during an after-practice interview.
9 Crimes Pete Hegseth Just Declared Worthy Of Death Penalty
The Pentagon officially approved execution by firing squad for the Fort Hood shooter, but that’s not the only crime the military is seeking the death penalty for these days.
Trump Approves Fort Hood Shooter Being Tied To A Bomb And Dropped On Iran
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump approved the execution of Nidal Malik Hasand on Monday, confirming that he would be tied to a bomb and dropped on the country of Iran.