AMARILLO, TX — Amarillo High School graduate David Flexner has reportedly declined several yearbook requests to "stay cool."
Babylon Bee
Fauci: ‘Lying About Vaccine Miscarriage Risks Necessary So I Could Meet Sandra Bullock’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his first public statement since testifying before a senatorial committee, Dr. Anthony Fauci said misleading the American people on the potential dangers of the COVID vaccine, particularly as it pertains to the risk of miscarriages among pregnant women, was necessary so he could meet…
White Privilege: Black Player Ejected Just For Shooting Sophie Cunningham With Rocket Launcher
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In an overt and disgusting display of white privilege, a black WNBA player was ejected from a game for merely shooting her opponent Sophie Cunningham with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher.
AOC Has Her Boyfriend Frozen In Case She Wants Him In The Future
NEW YORK CITY, NY — After rumors circulated that she had split with her boyfriend, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez posted a video explaining how she had actually frozen him just in case she might still want him in the future.
Florida Credits Record-Low Crime Rate To Having Chased Away All The Democrats
TALLAHASSEE, FL — With recent data showing a marked decrease in crime across the Sunshine State, Florida officials credited its record-low crime rate to having chased away all the Democrats.
9 Miracles Jesus Might Have Performed In 2026
NOT SATIRE: Stop the Doom Scroll: Share Jesus
Tucker Carlson Tells Wife That Israel Must Have Planted All Those Dirty Dishes In The Sink
WOODSTOCK, ME — Podcast host Tucker Carlson reportedly deflected blame over dirty dishes left in his kitchen sink on Tuesday, notifying his wife that they were placed there by Israel.
Overachiever Uses Turn Signal
DALLAS, TX — Local driver and overachiever Ethan Harper reportedly showed off an insufferable level of perfectionism during his morning commute on Tuesday by intentionally using his vehicle’s turn signal before changing lanes.
Massachusetts Legalizes Abortion Up Until Kindergarten
BOSTON, MA — Governor Maura Healey signed into law House Bill 5595 this morning, legalizing abortion in the state of Massachusetts up until a child enters Kindergarten.
New Study Reveals NFL’s Concussion-Prevention Helmets Are 100% Effective At Preventing Players From Looking Cool
U.S. — A new study from the New York Sports Science Laboratory demonstrated that the NFL’s new concussion-prevention helmets were proven to be 100% effective at keeping players from looking cool.