News broke this morning that the United States and Iran have agreed to the framework of a peace deal, and our investigative team here at The Babylon Bee has managed to secure a leaked copy. Here, presented for the first time anywhere, are the terms each side has…
Babylon Bee
Media To Just Start Reporting When Trump Wasn’t Shot At
U.S. — After yet another failed assassination attempt against President Trump yesterday, the national media has agreed to just start reporting when Trump wasn’t shot at.
Platner Smooths Things Over With Democrats By Covering Nazi Tattoo With Hammer & Sickle
BANGOR, ME — Democratic Senate candidate Graham Platner has smoothed things over with supporters by covering up his Nazi death squad tattoo with a new tattoo of the communist hammer and sickle.
Church Hack: Explain To Everyone Stacking Chairs That You’d Love To Help, But Your Spiritual Gift Is Encouragement
Getting a little tired of youth pastors teaching the Parable of the Talents and then asking you to go stack some chairs? Consider telling everyone you have the spiritual gift of encouragement.
Tulsi Gabbard Forced To Resign After Trump Discovers She’s Not Blonde
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard was forced to resign on Friday after President Donald Trump discovered that she’s not blonde.
Man Discovers Amazing New Weight Loss Method Of Crippling Stress And Anxiety
NEW BRITAIN, CT — Local tax preparer Frank MacArthur recently discovered an amazingly effective way to lose weight that makes simple use of crippling stress and anxiety.
‘Throw Pillows’ Narrowly Edges ‘Food’ In Local Couple’s Monthly Budget
DES MOINES, IA — After a tense end-of-month budgeting session, local couple Derek and Amanda Hollister confirmed on Friday that "throw pillows" had once again narrowly edged out "food" as the family’s largest monthly expense.
10 Great New Jobs For Stephen Colbert After ‘Late Show’ Finale
Talk show host Steven Colbert signed off this week after CBS aired his final episode of The Late Show, leaving him on the hunt for his next professional endeavor. But what will he do next?
Trump Surprises Don Jr. With Beautiful Wedding Gift Of Cuba
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump confirmed on Friday that, instead of attending his son’s wedding in the Bahamas, he had a very special surprise for him: Cuba.
DNC 2024 Election Autopsy Just Joe Biden’s Actual Autopsy
U.S. — The Democratic National Committee released its autopsy this week of what went wrong in the 2024 election cycle, the contents of which turned out to just be the results of an autopsy performed on former President Joe Biden.