MADISON, WI — Local wife Tamara Dotson gently informed her husband this week that he couldn’t have any more Lego sets until he finished building the ones he had.
Babylon Bee
College Drug Kingpin Wondering If Adopting Name ‘Pablo Pledgescobar’ May Have Been A Mistake
HAPPY VALLEY, PA — After being caught in a sting by the FBI, Penn State University drug kingpin Agostino Abbatiello began wondering if perhaps taking the moniker "Pablo Pledgescobar" might have been a mistake.
Chicago Principal Concerned As High School Senior Only Assaulting Teachers At Fifth-Grade Level
CHICAGO, IL — Principal Dan Naylor called for a parent conference after persistent concerns that senior student Anthony King was only assaulting teachers at a fifth-grade level.
Lindsay Clancy Honored With Planned Parenthood Lifetime Achievement Award
PLYMOUTH, MA — Accused child killer Lindsay Clancy has been honored with Planned Parenthood’s prestigious Lifetime Achievement Award.
Young-Earth Creationist Has No Explanation For Fact That Nancy Pelosi Is 12,000 Years Old
PETERSBURG, KY — A local young-earth creationist is reportedly suffering a crisis of faith after realizing he has no explanation for the fact that Nancy Pelosi is 12,000 years old.
DeSantis Explains To Newsom Secret To Counting Ballots In One Night Is Not Committing Fraud
TALLAHASSEE, FL — After an election night in which the Sunshine State successfully tallied all its votes within hours of the polls closing, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis explained to California Governor Gavin Newsom that the secret to counting ballots in one night is not committing fraud.
Women Finally Begin Supporting Stay-At-Home Moms
U.S. — In a beautiful moment for America, women have finally begun to come together to rally support for stay-at-home moms.
Matt Walsh Asks People To Stop Taking His Words In Context
NASHVILLE, TN — After a string of controversial posts went viral online, commentator Matt Walsh took to social media to plead with people to stop taking his words in context.
Trump Claims Strait Of Hormuz For U.S., Unveils Floating Golf Course
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced on Tuesday that after declaring the Strait of Hormuz an official U.S. territory, it had immediately been filled by a floating Trump golf course.
Scientists Determine Ultra-Processed Foods Like Nacho Cheese Doritos Are Exceptionally Delicious, But More Extensive Testing And Many More Bags Are Needed To Draw A Final Conclusion
U.S. — Though a 10-year food study determined that ultra-processed foods like Doritos are exceptionally delicious, scientists cautioned that more extensive testing and many more bags were needed to draw a final conclusion.