LA PUENTE, CA — Bucking years of tradition, the valedictorian at a local high school is reportedly not in any way Asian.
Babylon Bee
Physicians At Walter Reed Confirm Trump’s Midi-Chlorian Count Is Off The Charts
BETHESDA, MD — Results from President Donald Trump’s 6-month physical at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center appeared to show that his midi-chlorian count is "off the charts."
Noah Fined By HOA For Parking Boat In Driveway
MESOPOTAMIA — Local righteous man Noah was the recipient of a hefty fine from his HOA today over parking a large boat in the middle of his driveway.
Grok Responds To Pope Leo By Publishing List Of 95 Theses
VATICAN CITY — A new papal encyclical warning about the dangers of AI reportedly provoked an answer from AI language model Grok, which published 95 theses responding to the Catholic Church.
Parents Help Graduate Sound Out The Words On Diploma
TUCSON, AZ — Parents of high school graduate David Simpson helped their son sound out the words on his diploma after the teen expressed frustration at not being able to read the words on the piece of paper.
Everyone In Chicago Shot Over The Weekend
CHICAGO, IL — The Chicago Police Department confirmed on Tuesday morning that every single resident of the city had been shot over the long holiday weekend.
Chuck Schumer Celebrates Memorial Day Alone As All Of Last Year’s Guests Dead From E. Coli
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Chuck Schumer reportedly spent Memorial Day alone with his thoughts after having killed all of his backyard barbecue guests the previous year by serving them raw hamburger beef infected with E. coli.
Boaz Carefully Arranges Stalks Of Grain On Ground To Spell Out ‘Hey Gurl’
BETHLEHEM — As Ruth was about to come pick up extra crops left for her in the fields, workers reportedly spotted Boaz carefully arranging stalks of grain on the ground to spell out "Hey Gurl."
Review: ‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Is A Fun Enough Flick — But It Utterly Fails To Mention Anything About Freeing Palestine
The first Star Wars feature film in seven years should have been a grand event. But from the moment the opening text rolled, it was clear something was amiss. Yes, the story is classic pulp adventure, in the beloved style of Star Wars and Indiana Jones, but it…
Total Chaos As White Church Choir Tries To Sing African Spiritual
FRISCO, TX – Chaos descended on Christ Methodist of Frisco as the all-white choir attempted to sing an African spiritual.