EGYPT — Zaphenath-paneah, also called Joseph, successfully rescued the land from the grip of severe famine this week after wisely advising Pharaoh to stock up on emergency food buckets from My Patriot Supply.
Babylon Bee
Aaron Rodgers Gives Up Ayahuasca After Getting Sacked By Big Bird
PITTSBURGH, PA — Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers decided to give up the psychedelic ayahuasca after getting sacked last Sunday by Big Bird.
HomeGoods Now Selling Signs That Read ‘Live, Laugh, Strangle Your Kids If You’re Sad, Love’
FRAMINGHAM, MA — In a surprising twist to a popular home décor motif, the home furnishing retail chain HomeGoods was now selling signs that read, "Live, Laugh, Strangle Your Kids If You’re Sad, Love."
Grinning Teppanyaki Chef Clearly Has Something Clever Planned For Onion
TULSA, OK — Eyewitnesses at a local Teppanyaki steakhouse sat with growing anticipation on Thursday after observing head chef Hiroshi Tanaka smiling slyly as he clearly had something clever planned for the onion he had in his hand.
Experts Fear Terrorist Activity In Minneapolis Could Spread To America Next
U.S. — After a terrorist attack on the Mall of America was narrowly thwarted yesterday, experts warned that terrorist activity could spread beyond Minneapolis to the United States of America.
Irony: Man Finally Finds Perfectly Ripe Avocado At The Grocery Store But Is Killed In A Car Crash On The Way Home
SCRANTON, PA — After years of failed attempts, local man Paul Foster finally found a perfectly ripe avocado at the grocery store, only to be tragically killed in a car crash on the way home.
French Frantically Search Rioting Mob For Someone To Surrender To
PARIS — French leaders came up empty-handed on Thursday after spending several days searching for someone in the rioting mob to surrender to.
Babylon Bee Substack Goes Live, Dozens Rejoice
Hey, everyone! The Babylon Bee Substack has gone live!
Man Boldly Guesses Mall Of America Terror Plot Suspect’s Name Rhymes With ‘Bohammed’
CLEVELAND, OH — Local man Chris Pinson made a bold guess today that the name of the Mall of America terror plot suspect would turn out to rhyme with "Bohammed."
Nation Saddened To Learn Iran May Not Actually Nuke LA
U.S. — The nation has reportedly slipped into a period of deep sadness and introspection after learning that Iran may not actually nuke Los Angeles.