BETHESDA, MD — A leading group of child psychologists suggested screen time is now considered "OK" for toddlers as long as you are showing them the hit 2003 naval adventure film, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World.
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Jimmy Kimmel To Write Script For New ‘Godfather’ Sequel
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a special joint announcement with legendary filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola, late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel revealed that he will be writing the screenplay for a new sequel to Paramount Pictures’ The Godfather.
Olympics Bans All Balls From Women’s Sports
LAUSANNE — In a landmark statement intended to simultaneously clarify lingering questions regarding trans athletes in events and prevent any potential confusion in the future, the International Olympic Committee announced that it was banning all balls from being used in women’s sports.
Iran Denies Negotiating With Trump As All Its Leaders Are Dead
TEHRAN — Iranian spokesman Ahmadi Mohammadi issued a strongly worded statement to "The Great Satan" in which he vehemently denied that ongoing negotiations with President Trump had been taking place because all the nation’s leaders are dead.
Man Unsure If What’s Missing In His Life Is Jesus Or Really Cool Jacket
CROMWELL, CT — On a chilly spring morning, local man Jim Harbor reportedly paused to consider whether what he was missing in life was Jesus or a really cool jacket.
7 Ways To Toughen Up Your Wimpy Kid
Kids these days. They’re pushovers. Back in the old days, every kid knew how to work, fight, and smoke tobacco. How can parents today recapture that toughness for their kids?
Guy Who Pushed Over Reacher’s Motorcycle Announces Plan To Shoot John Wick’s Dog
BRENTWOOD, TN — The man who pushed over Jack Reacher’s motorcycle and was subsequently pounded into the ground has announced that he will next go shoot John Wick’s dog.
Hobbit On Diet Cuts Back To Four Meals A Day
BYWATER — A particularly plump hobbit named Elanor Bolger has decided to go on a diet, cutting back from her usual six meals a day to a measly four meals a day.
Mysterious Investor ‘Pancy_Nelosi’ Makes Millions On Oil Trade Minutes Before Trump’s Iran Announcement
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just minutes before President Donald Trump announced a peace deal with Iran was close, a mysterious investor named "Pancy_Nelosi" placed hundreds of millions on a speculative trade that oil prices would plummet.
Local Couple Enjoys Romantic Two-Week Honeymoon In TSA Line
HOUSTON, TX — Local newlyweds Brandon and Amelia Stockwell reported having the time of their lives during a romantic two-week honeymoon spent entirely in the TSA security line at Houston Hobby.