ARCHERON (LV-426) — A grotesque creature scientists identified as a Xenomorph Queen reportedly elected to freeze its eggs until such time as it becomes "emotionally ready" to have offspring.
Babylon Bee
Democrats Announce You Aren’t Allowed To Remember What They Did A Few Years Ago
U.S. — The Democratic Party announced on Tuesday that U.S. citizens were not allowed to remember all those things the party said and did just a few years ago.
Man Exhausted After Long Day Of Typing Stuff Into ChatGPT
MANCHESTER, NH — Local man Stephen Barnes returned home from work early Monday evening, exhausted after a long day of typing stuff into ChatGPT.
Scientists Hard At Work Making IPhone Weather App Even Less Accurate
U.S. — The general public breathed a sigh of relief on Monday after it was revealed that a team of top scientists was hard at work trying to come up with a way to make the iPhone weather app even less accurate.
40-Year-Old Man Still Chasing High Of Seeing Cards Bounce Around Screen After Winning Solitaire
PLAINVIEW, TX — Local 40-year-old man Ben Gantry admitted that he had spent the past three decades chasing the high he first felt while seeing the cards bounce around the computer screen after winning a game of solitaire.
Unscriptural Hymn Unfortunately A Banger
IRVINE, CA — The elders of the United Reformed Church of Irvine made the devastating discovery Sunday that an unscriptural hymn, entirely inappropriate for corporate worship on the Lord’s Day, was unfortunately quite a banger.
Cute: 5-Year-Old White Girl Dreams Of One Day Getting Beaten Up In The WNBA
TERRE HAUTE, IN — In a wholesome display of innocence, a five-year-old white girl reportedly told her parents how she dreamed of one day growing up to get beaten up in the WNBA.
Report: White People Completely Unaffected By Jalapeño Recall
U.S. — A new report confirmed that white people remained totally unaffected after a massive recall was issued across the U.S. for contaminated jalapeños.
Inspired By AOC, James Talarico Also Elects To Have His Eggs Frozen
AUSTIN, TX — Senate candidate James Talarico announced on Monday morning that he would be following in the inspiring footsteps of Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and electing to have his eggs frozen.
Bigotry Rears Ugly Head As WNBA Refuses To Allow This Stunning, Beautiful Woman Into League
U.S. — In a disgusting act of appalling bigotry, the WNBA is refusing to allow a stunning, beautiful woman into the league on the grounds that she is actually a biological male.