CHICAGO, IL — One local customer was caught off guard by a new policy at his favorite restaurant chain, as the Chipotle cashier told the man that there would be an extra charge for no Salmonella.
Babylon Bee
SpaceX Crashes Rocket Into Hollywood Soundstage
HOLLYWOOD, CA — A defunct Falcon 9 SpaceX rocket crashed into a Hollywood sound stage on Wednesday night, leaving an enormous crater almost 75 feet wide.
Senate Joins Rest Of Nation In Holding Fauci In Contempt
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A committee from the United States Senate announced today that they were finally joining the rest of the nation in holding Anthony Fauci in contempt.
Trump Solves Affordability Crisis By Opening Nation’s Strategic Burrito Reserve
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With concerns over the affordability of burritos sweeping the nation, President Donald Trump addressed the crisis head-on by tapping the nation’s Strategic Burrito Reserve.
Scientists Theorize Existence Of Movie Not Starring Zendaya
CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND — A team of leading physicists at the University of Cambridge theorized the existence of a motion picture that does not feature actress Zendaya.
Due To Depleted Missile Supply, ‘Operation Epic Fury’ Downgraded To ‘Operation Mildly Aggressive Fury’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Due to a reportedly depleted supply of ballistic missiles following months of bombardment, military officials confirmed this week that "Operation Epic Fury" had officially been downgraded to "Operation Mildly Aggressive Fury."
‘Ted Lasso’ Renewed Again Based On Strength Of Those Three Decent Episodes Back In 2020
U.S. — Apple TV series Ted Lasso has been renewed for a fifth season based on the strength of those three episodes that aired back in 2020 that were kind of okay.
Man Convinced He And Henry Cavill Would Totally Be Best Friends If They Ever Met
FONTANA, CA — A local man has become convinced that he and the famous Superman actor, Henry Cavill, would totally be best friends if they ever had the chance to meet.
Update: Moroccans Who Invaded Spain Now Registered To Vote In New Jersey
TRENTON, NJ — Due to yet another "glitch" in the state’s computer database, officials confirmed that the tens of thousands of Moroccans who invaded Cetua, Spain last week were now registered to vote in New Jersey.
Middle East Expanded To Include Michigan
DETROIT, MI — Following the Senate primary victory won last night by Abdul El-Sayed, an official announcement was issued that the Middle East had expanded to include the state of Michigan.