U.S. — CNN announced a shift in its reporting of the US-Israel war with Iran on Monday, declaring the conflict resolved. In light of this major update, CNN officially called the war for Iran.
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Considerate Video Game Boss Leaves Plenty Of Health And Ammo In Room Right Before You Fight Him
RACCOON CITY — Maintaining some semblance of his humanity, a grotesque boss monster located in an underground laboratory helpfully left plenty of health and ammo in the room right before anyone comes to fight him.
TSA Reduces Delays By Eliminating Colonoscopy Portion Of Search
U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced this morning that it would be ending the practice of performing colonoscopies on travelers at airports around the country in an effort to speed up security lines amidst the ongoing partial government shutdown.
Trump Releases Line Of Sympathy Cards
U.S. — Separate from his work as the nation’s commander in chief, President Donald Trump announced that he was releasing a line of specialty sympathy cards he had written himself.
8 Tips For Getting Through TSA Faster
With the tug-of-war over funding for the Department of Homeland Security leaving the Transportation Security Administration short on agents, getting through airport security is an even bigger nightmare than before.
Statue Of Cesar Chavez Gropes Woman As It’s Being Taken Down
SAN FERNANDO, CA — An existing scandal was made even worse over the weekend, as a statue of the late union laborist and political activist Cesar Chavez allegedly groped a young woman as it was being taken down.
Paddleboat Ride Enjoyable For Seven Seconds
STANLEY, ID — A paddleboat ride at a local lake resulted in about seven seconds of enjoyment for a local couple, followed by twenty minutes of pain, work, sweat, and regret, sources revealed.
Trump Postpones Iran Strikes Until They All Assemble In One Place Again For A Meeting
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a promising sign that the weeks-long conflict in the Middle East could soon be over, President Donald Trump postponed strikes against Iran until all of its leaders assembled in one place again for a meeting.
After Jesus Bestows Nicknames ‘The Rock’ And ‘Sons Of Thunder’, Apostle James Bummed To Get Stuck With ‘The Lesser’
JUDEA — With his fellow apostle scoring nicknames from Jesus like "The Rock" and "Sons of Thunder", the Apostle James admitted to feeling a tad bit disappointed with being christened "The Lesser".
Saint Peter Gently Asks Chuck Norris To Stop Roundhouse Kicking The Cherubim
HEAVEN — After several incidents over the course of his first day in paradise, Chuck Norris was pulled aside by Saint Peter and gently asked to please stop roundhouse kicking the cherubim.