LOS ANGELES, CA — LeBron James has made the final free agency decision of his career, announcing that he will be taking his receding hairline to Philadelphia.
Babylon Bee
Experts Baffled By Mysterious Mental Health Disorder That Causes People To Stab Jews
U.S. — Experts remain perplexed by a mysterious mental health disorder that causes people to stab Jews.
Wells Fargo Explains That Yes, They Gave All Your Money To A Hobo Named Frank, But Will Make Things Right By Coming To Your House To Murder You
HOUSTON, TX — Representatives for Wells Fargo explained to local customer Jim Stephens that they did give all of the money in his checking account to a random hobo, but the company would make things right by coming to Jim’s house to murder him and his family.
CVS Clerk Reminds Looter To Enter Rewards Number Before Fleeing
SANTA MONICA, CA — According to sources, a CVS employee kept a clear head amid the chaos of a recent "smash and grab" event on Friday, being sure to helpfully remind a looter to enter his rewards number before fleeing.
Heaven Confirms Prayer Hands Emoji Counts As Actually Praying For Someone
HEAVEN — Millions breathed a sigh of relief today as Heavenly sources confirmed that sending a prayer hands emoji counts exactly the same as actually praying for someone.
Old Spice Introduces New Libertarian-Strength Deodorant
U.S. — Procter & Gamble announced a new breakthrough in male grooming products on Friday with the introduction of Old Spice Libertarian-Strength Deodorant.
Trump Asks Democrats At Correspondents’ Dinner To Hold All Assassination Attempts Until He Finishes Speech
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In order to limit interruptions at tonight’s White House Correspondents Dinner, President Donald Trump requested that Democrats please hold all assassination attempts until after his speech.
With 45 Days Left Until Labor Day, Wife Unveils Pumpkin Spice Advent Calendar
CONCORD, NH — Labor Day, and the symbolic start of pumpkin spice season, is just a short 45 days away, and local woman Debrah Norringham was reportedly getting her house in the autumn spirit with a festive new pumpkin spice advent calendar.
Mamdani Condemns The Rise In Violence Against Jews Since He Declared War On Them
NEW YORK, NY — After personally declaring war on the Jewish people, Mayor Zohran Mamdani issued a forceful condemnation of the rise of violence against Jews.
New Yorker Being Stabbed On Street Corner Glad To Know Mamdani Focused On Bringing Netanyahu To Justice
NEW YORK, NY — As a mugger repeatedly stabbed him on a Manhattan street corner, local resident Ethan Wallace took comfort in the knowledge that Mayor Zohran Mamdani remained laser-focused on bringing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to justice.