WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just days after President Donald Trump vowed to issue every American citizen a $5,000 check if Republicans won the midterms, Democrats countered with their own offer: if they are elected, every voter would give them $5,000.
Babylon Bee
Man Prepares To Perform Self-Lobotomy With Cereal Spoon After Daughter Discovers ‘Blippi’
COLUMBUS, OH — Local man Greg Gentry reportedly spent Friday morning mentally and physically preparing to perform a lobotomy on himself after his four-year-old daughter discovered the children’s television franchise Blippi.
Congress Preemptively Holds State Funeral For Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress held a preemptive state funeral honoring Senator Mitch McConnell on Friday, as the Senate sergeant-at-arms had him lie in state, "just in case."
Israelite Women Rejoice After Moses Strikes Rock And Pumpkin Spice Latte Gushes Out
SINAI — The women of Israel erupted into celebration this week after Moses struck a rock with his staff, causing a torrent of pumpkin spice latte to gush forth.
Husband In Critical Condition After Attempting Two Minutes Of Beginner’s Yoga
AUSTIN, TX — Local husband Matt Gaines was rushed to the Intensive Care Unit Tuesday evening after attempting a two-minute beginner’s yoga video on YouTube.
New Underground Railroad Established To Help Lone Black Juror Escape From Angry White Liberals In The North
PLYMOUTH, MA — Reports indicated that a modern "Underground Railroad" had been established to help the lone black juror from the Lindsay Clancy case escape from angry, violent, white Democrats.
‘Obesity Is A Disease,’ Says Fatty
CHATTANOOGA, TN — Local fatty Mark Thompson spent all of lunch today explaining to family members how obesity is actually a disease.
Taylor Swift Releases New Single ‘Look What You Made Me Invest In’
NASHVILLE, TN — In honor of her new husband, Travis Kelce, pop megastar Taylor Swift has released a new single titled "Look What You Made Me Invest In."
12 Common Trap Questions From Your Wife And How To Respond To Each
Men, if you’ve been married for any length of time, then you’ve no doubt fallen prey to a trap question. Women love asking questions they don’t want answers to, just so they can start a fight. It’s in their nature. But we got you, fam.
Dyslexic Gavin Newsom Celebrates $1.87 Gas
SACRAMENTO, CA — Famously dyslexic Governor Gavin Newsom hosted a press conference today celebrating gas prices in California reaching a new milestone of $1.87.