On June 30, the United States Supreme Court upheld the right of states to ban transgender athletes from competing in female sports. Now, the hard work begins to identify the trans athletes and ensure that women’s sports are protected from men forever. But how?
Babylon Bee
Dems Wishing There Had Been Some Sort Of Sign That Platner Was A Bad Person
U.S. — In the wake of sexual assault allegations being leveled at Senate nominee Graham Platner, Democrats were left wishing there had been some sort of warning sign that he was a bad person.
Study Finds 92% Of Husbands’ Time Spent Waiting For Their Wives
U.S. — A study published by the American Association for the Advancement of Science on Monday revealed that exactly 92% of a husband’s time is spent waiting for his wife.
President Trump Officially Invites Nation Of Belgium To Cry Harder
U.S. — On Monday afternoon, President Donald Trump issued an official invitation to the nation of Belgium to cry harder.
‘Yeah, But It’s A Dry Heat,’ Says Arizona Man Who Is Currently On Fire
TEMPE, AZ — Local man Frank Benden, who was currently engulfed in flames, assured friends coming to visit that the 107-degree temperatures in Arizona weren’t that bad because it’s a dry heat.
America Finally Interested In Soccer After Realizing How Angry You Can Make Europeans
U.S. — After years of ignoring the world’s most popular sport, Americans finally took a keen interest in soccer after discovering how much it can irritate Europeans.
America Offers To Help Cool Off Planet By Opening Windows And Lowering AC To 65
U.S. — With several areas across the globe battling record high temperatures, Americans have graciously offered to help by turning their air conditioning down to 65 degrees and opening the windows.
Chicago Police Assure Residents Those Loud Popping Noises Are Just Gunshots
CHICAGO, IL — After fielding a flood of calls complaining of loud popping noises, the Chicago Police Department issued a statement assuring residents that those were just gun shots.
Freedom 250 Now Just Lee Greenwood Singing ‘God Bless The USA’ For 24 Hours Straight
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Organizers of America’s Freedom 250 celebration announced Thursday that the event has been streamlined to consist entirely of Lee Greenwood singing "God Bless the U.S.A." for 24 hours straight.
American Enters Day 3 Of Searching For Exit From Roundabout
PARIS — American visitor Ben Garfield reportedly entered day three of attempting to find an exit from a roundabout.