U.S. — After watching several videos of anti-ICE protesters viciously hunting people down to check their papers, an impressed President Trump announced he will immediately hire the protesters to join Border Patrol.
Babylon Bee
7 Least-Gay Winter Olympics Events
While the Summer Olympics are often lauded for their impressive displays of elite athletic prowess, the Winter Olympics are often (rightfully or wrongfully) seen as the "gay" version of the Olympic Games. Upon investigation, however, there may be a few not-quite-as-gay events.
Hunter Biden Launches HunterRx From Back Of Van
MALIBU, CA — In direct competition with President Trump’s new TrumpRx website, Hunter Biden announced the launch of HunterRx, a brand new low-price pharmacy he runs out of the back of his van.
Democrats Push For Death Certificates To Be Accepted As Voter ID
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Trump and Republicans campaigning hard to shore up election integrity in the U.S., congressional Democrats agreed to negotiate on the issue on the condition that death certificates be added to the list of acceptable forms of voter ID.
Researchers Confirm That During Childbirth, Women Feel Almost The Same Amount Of Pain A Man Feels When He’s Stuck Walking Behind A Slow Person
U.S. — A study conducted by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) appeared to demonstrate that women experiencing childbirth feel almost the same amount of pain a man feels when he’s stuck walking behind a really slow people.
New Study Reveals Videos Of Police Arresting Protesters Are Very, Very Funny
U.S. — Shattering all preconceived notions on the efficacy of public protests, a new study revealed that video footage of police arresting protesters is very, very funny.
Super Bowl Will Be Delayed To Play National Anthems For All 165 Racial Groups In U.S.
SANTA CLARA, CA — The NFL confirmed that this year’s Super Bowl, which normally starts at 6:30 Eastern, will be delayed until 11:30 PM to give everyone time to sing a separate national anthem for America’s 165 different racial groups.
Journalists Shocked To Be Laid Off From Obsolete Media Outlet That Loses $100 Million Annually
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over 300 "journalists" were reportedly caught totally off guard this week when an obsolete media outlet that loses in excess of $100 million annually was forced to let them go.
Winter Olympics To Protest Trump’s Immigration Policies By Removing Ice From Skating Rinks
MILAN — The most prestigious athletic event on the world stage issued a clear political statement this week, as the Winter Olympics announced it would be protesting U.S. President Donald Trump’s immigration policies by removing all ice from the skating rinks.
The Fresh Fruit You Bought Is Finally Ripe — UPDATE: Too Late, It’s Rotten
TUSCON, AZ — Local mom Ashley Marsten announced that she was glad to see the fruit she bought at the store earlier this week was finally ripe and ready to eat, and… oh wait… it’s rotten.