NEW YORK, NY — Almost 25 years after it successfully flew two jetliners into the Twin Towers, killing thousands of people, Al-Qaeda clinched Tuesday’s New York City primary election in an explosive landslide victory.
Babylon Bee
To Raise Stakes, U.S. Army Given One Pick In Each Round Of NBA Draft
NEW YORK, NY — Seeking a way to spice things up after decades of the same draft format and raise the stakes for the players coming into the league, it was announced that the United States Army had been given one pick in each round of this year’s…
Israelite Keeping Quiet That He Doesn’t Particularly Care For Milk Or Honey
MOUNT SINAI — In light of continued encouragement that the Israelites would enter a land "flowing with milk and honey," one local Reubenite, later identified as Dathan son of Eliab, decided he should probably keep quiet about the fact that he doesn’t particularly care for milk or honey.
4D Chess: Trump Makes Reflecting Pool Even Swampier So It Will Reflect D.C. More Accurately
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brilliant move of 4D chess, President Donald Trump made the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool even more swamp-like to better reflect the reality of the nation’s capital.
Time Traveler From Year 3247 Warns They’re Still Making ‘Toy Story’ Movies
NEW YORK, NY — Citizens of the year 2026 were left confused on Tuesday after a rift in the spacetime continuum deposited an apparent time traveler from the year 3247, whose sole mission was to warn humanity that Disney was still making Toy Story movies where he came…
Gas Pump Now Asks If You Want Car Wash, Receipt, Rewards, And If You Know The Airspeed Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow
U.S. — Before allowing customers to fill up with gas, pumps will now ask about a potential car wash, rewards membership, fuel additives, and the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
‘Supergirl’ To Show That Girls Can Be Just As Good As Boys At Everything Except Box Office
U.S. — When Supergirl releases in theaters on June 26, executives from Warner Bros. Pictures expressed confidence that the film would show the world that girls can be just as good as boys in everything except ticket sales at the box office.
‘What A Good Little Kitty You Are,’ Owner Says To Cat Who Is Currently Plotting Her Violent Death
TULSA, OK — Local cat owner Melissa Darst patted and praised her kitty, Bella, briefly interrupting Bella’s plotting of her owner’s violent death.
Nation’s Dumpster Fires Distance Themselves From Boston Red Sox
U.S. — The fires currently burning inside the nation’s dumpsters spoke out publicly on Tuesday to condemn their being compared to the Boston Red Sox.
Uh Oh! A Monkey Stole The Pope Hat And Now He’s Infallible
VATICAN CITY — In disastrous news for the Catholic Church, a mischievous little monkey stole Pope Leo’s hat and placed it on his own head, giving the monkey the power of infallibility.