U.S. — A.I. has reportedly learned to use the semicolon; now experts are sounding the alarm.
Babylon Bee
So-Called ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ Not Even In Top Five
CLAREMONT, NH — Local man Roger Taft, despite owning several mugs declaring him to be the world’s greatest dad, has reportedly not even cracked the top five.
British Tourists Pleasantly Surprised By Quality Of American Food, Lack Of Rape Gangs
U.S. — British tourists visiting the United States have reportedly been surprised by the quality of American food, and also the fact there are no violent hordes of rape gangs roaming the countryside.
‘Now Witness The Firepower Of This Fully Armed And Operational Battle Station,’ Cackles Obama
CHICAGO, IL — Seated upon his spinning throne chair, a cackling former President Barack Obama invited guests to witness the firepower of his now fully-armed and operational battle station.
10 Questions On California’s Test To Determine If You’re Gay Enough
California has introduced an official LGBT Business Enterprise certificate, which comes with all sorts of cool tax breaks if you’re a certified gay. Sounds great, right? However, the state is doing its due diligence by testing all applicants to determine if they are gay enough.
Al Gore Explains That While ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ Did Not Prove Accurate, It Did Make Him Incredibly Rich
NASHVILLE, TN — While commemorating the film’s 20th anniversary, former Vice President Al Gore explained that while An Inconvenient Truth did not prove to be accurate, it did make him incredibly rich.
Player Kicked Off Joel Osteen’s Church Softball Team For Writing Bible Verse On Hat
HOUSTON, TX — News broke this afternoon that Pastor Joel Osteen kicked congregant Jeff Janovec off the church softball team after Janovec reportedly wrote a Bible verse on his Lakewood Church team hat.
Learning from Trump, Man Successfully Negotiates Wife Down To Absolutely Everything She Wants
DAYTON, OH — Local man Troy Greer announced that after a long, intense round of negotiations with his wife, he had emerged victorious and had successfully negotiated her down to getting absolutely everything she wanted.
Man Continues Tenth Year Of Sending Just A Thumbs Up To Every Single Text Message He Receives
ROCKPORT, TX — Local man Jake Minter confirmed that he had now entered his 10th consecutive year of replying to every single text with only a single thumbs-up emoji.
World Leaders Line Up To Ask Trump To Bomb Their Countries For While And Then Give Them A Few Hundred Billion
WORLD — Global leaders rushed to sign up for Trump’s incredible offer to have the U.S. bomb their country for a few weeks and then give them $300 billion.