CHICAGO, IL — After releasing Jayden Ivey over his statements about the unrighteousness of Pride month, the Chicago Bulls have offered to reinstate Ivey on the team if he will agree to do some cocaine and beat a few women.
Babylon Bee
In Compelling Argument For Birthright Citizenship, Justice Jackson Eats Entire Stick Of Glue
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a persuasive argument in favor of maintaining birthright citizenship, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson ate an entire stick of glue.
Kristi Noem Asks Husband If There’s Anything He Needs To Get Off His Chest
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After scandalous photos surfaced online of her husband Bryon, former Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem reportedly asked him if there was anything he’d like to get off his chest.
CB Bucknor Calls Entire Game Without Once Looking Up From His Newspaper
HOUSTON, TX — Major League Baseball history was made today, as longtime umpire CB Bucknor called the entire game from behind home plate without once looking up from his newspaper.
Trump Sneaks Onto Supreme Court Bench Cleverly Disguised As Justice Sotomayor
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Supreme Court hearing arguments today over birthright citizenship, President Trump cleverly snuck his way onto the bench by disguising himself as Justice Sonia Sotomayor.
NASA Plays Incredible April Fools’ Joke Of Once Again Pretending To Go To The Moon
MERRITT ISLAND, FL — In one of the biggest April Fools’ jokes in decades, NASA is pretending once again to actually be going to the moon.
KBJ: ‘How Can A Law Be Unconstitutional If I Like It?’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the United States Supreme Court issued a decisive ruling on a controversial case in Colorado regarding conversion therapy for minors, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson raised a pertinent question about the constitutionality of the law.
Brie Larson’s Career Taking Off After Shutting Up
HOLLYWOOD, CA — The movie industry saw the revival of one of its brightest young stars, as actress Brie Larson’s career showed signs of taking off to new heights after she started shutting up.
ZipRecruiter Ad Interrupted By Brief Word From Podcast
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Vanessa Miller reported feeling annoyed Thursday morning when her favorite weekly ZipRecruiter ad was interrupted by three minutes of podcast content.
Trump Begins Negotiating With Iranian Leadership Via Ouija Board
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As hostilities in the Middle East extended into a second month, White House sources confirmed that President Donald Trump had officially begun negotiating with Iranian leadership via Ouija board.