TOPEKA, KS — A kindly hospital clerk asked local man Jonathan Arnold to please fill out the brief 50-page intake form, promising they would then get right to addressing the axe embedded in his skull.
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Toddler Rushes To Save Mom From Having To Use Bathroom Alone
BOULDER, CO — Local two-year-old Kaetlyn Massie graciously sprinted across the house in an effort to save her mother from using the bathroom alone.
Republicans Warn Passing Voter ID Law Could Ruin Plan To Hand Congress To Democrats In November
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the 2026 midterm elections on the horizon amid increasing strife over problems facing the nation, Republican lawmakers issued an urgent warning that passing a national voter ID law could ruin their plan to hand Congress to the Democrats in November.
ICE Getting So Scary That Illegal Immigrants Thinking Of Leaving U.S.
U.S. — Immigration and Customs Enforcement has become so scary that many illegal immigrants are reportedly considering leaving the United States.
Foul-Smelling Substance Used In Spray Attack On Ilhan Omar Identified As Somali Food
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The malodorous substance sprayed on Representative Ilhan Omar at a town hall meeting has been identified as Somali food.
Man Ready To Take On The World After Sliding Favorite Pocket Knife Into Jeans Pocket
BOISE, ID — Though events taking place around him threatened to envelop him in uncertainty and stress, a local man reported that he was ready to take on the world after sliding his favorite pocket knife into his jeans pocket.
Want To Resist ICE? Here Are 12 Things You Can Do Today
Is Trump’s Gestapo getting on your nerves? Looking for ways to show support for undocumented Americans by standing up to federal law enforcement? You’re not alone. Rest assured, there are things you can do to show you’re part of the resistance.
Too Cold To Start Civil War Right Now, Nation Agrees
U.S. — The bitterly divided nation has finally agreed on one thing: it is just way too cold to start a civil war right now.
Tragedy As Entire Studio Audience Drowns In Flood Of Jimmy Kimmel’s Tears
LOS ANGELES, CA — Emergency crews responded to a catastrophic incident at the famous El Capitan Theater in Hollywood last night, where an entire studio audience tragically drowned in a flood of Jimmy Kimmel’s tears.
Time To Move To A Red State? Know The Signs
Things in America are getting pretty dicey these days. So dicey, in fact, that people in blue states are starting to wonder if it’s time to evacuate to the safety of more politically conservative places. Knowing when to get out of Dodge is vital.