BYWATER — A particularly plump hobbit named Elanor Bolger has decided to go on a diet, cutting back from her usual six meals a day to a measly four meals a day.
Babylon Bee
Mysterious Investor ‘Pancy_Nelosi’ Makes Millions On Oil Trade Minutes Before Trump’s Iran Announcement
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just minutes before President Donald Trump announced a peace deal with Iran was close, a mysterious investor named "Pancy_Nelosi" placed hundreds of millions on a speculative trade that oil prices would plummet.
Local Couple Enjoys Romantic Two-Week Honeymoon In TSA Line
HOUSTON, TX — Local newlyweds Brandon and Amelia Stockwell reported having the time of their lives during a romantic two-week honeymoon spent entirely in the TSA security line at Houston Hobby.
Chicago White Sox Improve Playoff Chances By Switching To WNBA
CHICAGO, IL — In the wake of two historically bad seasons, the owner of the Chicago White Sox has reportedly opted to enter his team into the WNBA to improve their chances.
Soldiers Issued Crocs So Trump Can Say He Didn’t Put Boots On The Ground
IRAN — The Pentagon has issued Crocs to the 82nd Airborne Division in order to allow President Trump to truthfully say that he has not put any boots on the ground.
Quadruple Amputee Cornhole Champion Claims It Was A Different Quadruple Amputee Cornhole Champion Who Shot That Guy
LA PLATA, MD — The alleged perpetrator of a violent crime publicly voiced his innocence in what he said was a case of mistaken identity, as a quadruple amputee cornhole champion claimed it was a different quadruple amputee cornhole champion who shot that guy.
DEAL ALERT: Save Big On A 20-Pound Weighted Vest By Just Gaining 20 Pounds
Looking to expand your personal gym, but low on cash? Instead of spending money on a 20-pound weighted vest, try just gaining 20 pounds instead.
Another Massive Fraud Ring Exposed At D.C. Old Folks’ Home
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A major new source of fraud was uncovered in the nation’s capital on Tuesday, where investigative journalist Nick Shirley revealed large sums of money were being funneled into a defunct assisted living center masquerading as an upscale old folks’ home.
MLB Umpire Replaced With Cardboard Cutout
NEW YORK, NY — As part of its ongoing agenda to minimize human errors that affect games, Major League Baseball announced that, in addition to using the "Automated Ball-Strike System" technology, all umpires would be replaced with cardboard cutouts.
Man Finally Admits To Gambling Problem After Placing Bet On Women’s Basketball
ANN ARBOR, MI — Local sports fan Adam Cartwright was finally forced to admit to himself that he had a gambling problem after he finished placing a bet on the outcome of a women’s basketball game.