LONDON — In the wake of yet another deadly stabbing of a British citizen at the hands of a migrant, authorities in the United Kingdom issued a stern warning to all native residents to stop being stabbed to death by Muslims.
Babylon Bee
Apostle John Pads Third Letter With Extra-Wide Margins, 37-Point Font
EPHESUS — Struggling to stretch his third letter to the recommended length, the Apostle John cleverly used 1.5-spacing, extra wide margins, and wrote in a generous 22-point font.
Thomas Massie Finally Recognized As True Libertarian Now That He Doesn’t Have A Job
GARRISON, KY — Congressman Thomas Massie has finally been recognized as a true libertarian after becoming unemployed.
Massie Blames Defeat On Jews Of Rural Kentucky
LOUISVILLE, KY — Representative Thomas Massie has accused the Jewish population of rural Kentucky of being the cause of his primary defeat.
Old Guys Hanging Out At Denny’s At 6 A.M. Having Better Day Than You Could Ever Dream Of
LOST HILLS, CA — New reports show the four old guys hanging out at Denny’s at 6 a.m. are having a better day than you or anyone else could possibly dream of.
Study Reveals 90% Of Data Centers Just Storing Your Wife’s Pictures Of The Kids
OVERLAND PARK, KS — The need for the construction of massive data storage centers has been in the news again recently, with the results of a new study indicating that 90% of data centers are just storage for your wife’s pictures of the kids.
Abigail Adams Starting To Believe Husband Made Up This Whole ‘Continental Congress’ As An Excuse To Hang Out With The Boys
QUINCY, MA — Weary from a major smallpox outbreak in her area, the wife of John Adams claimed she was starting to believe this whole thing about a "Continental Congress" was made up by her husband as an excuse to go hang out with the boys.
Man Cured Of Depression After Doctor Prescribes Millennium Falcon LEGO Set
BROWNSVILLE, NY — According to sources, local man Porter Caldwell was completely cured of his clinical depression, anxiety, and stress-related disorders after his doctor issued him a prescription for a 7,541-piece Millennium Falcon LEGO set.
White House Insists High Gas Prices Are Small Price To Pay For Accomplishing Nothing In Iran
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the nation facing its highest gas prices in years, the Trump administration assured Americans that it is but a small price to pay for accomplishing nothing in Iran.
Wife Can’t Wait To Get Out There And Be Horrible At Gardening Again
BOISE, ID — With spring in full swing, one local woman expressed excitement at the chance to finally get back outside and be horrible at gardening again.