We at The Babylon Bee would like to let Governor Tim Walz know that we are now a fully functioning daycare in Minnesota serving literally millions of children.
Babylon Bee
Trump Gives Terrorists Gift Of Meeting Allah For Christmas
NIGERIA — President Trump has given dozens of ISIS terrorists the gift of getting to meet Allah for Christmas.
Person Who Apparently Hates You Got Your Kid A Recorder
SAN CARLOS, CA — A person who apparently hates you got your kid a recorder for Christmas.
Uh Oh: Wife Actually DID Want Something For Christmas
U.S. — What had been a joyous holiday threatened to be thrown into panic, as urgent reports began trickling in that, despite her repeated statements to the contrary over the last month, your wife actually did want something for Christmas.
Jolly Neil DeGrasse Tyson Going Down People’s Chimneys And Telling Kids Santa Isn’t Real
KNOXVILLE, TN — It’s that time of year again, when astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson renews his annual tradition of going down people’s chimneys to tell their kids that Santa isn’t real.
Oh No! Russian Forces Invade Alaska While NORAD Distracted Tracking Santa
ANCHORAGE, AK — A military spokesman confirmed Wednesday that Russian forces launched a successful sneak attack on Alaska while everyone at North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) was busy tracking Santa’s sleigh.
‘Do You Think This Is Him?’ Asks Shepherd Pointing To Baby With Glowing Halo
BETHLEHEM — Shepherds began to believe they may have found the Christ child after discovering a baby with a glowing halo hovering above its head.
Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Didn’t Start Shopping Till Yesterday As She Opens Can Of Dinty Moore Beef Stew
GREENVILLE, SC — Local woman Ashlynn Bagley began to suspect that her husband did all his Christmas shopping yesterday after she opened a present containing a can of Dinty Moore beef stew.
Scandal Rocks CBS News As Bari Weiss Asks Journalists To Do Journalism
U.S. — CBS News has descended into turmoil after new Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss asked the journalists employed there to do journalism.
Dad Lives 7 Entire Lifetimes Before Rest Of Family Wakes Up
SPEARVILLE, KS — By the time his family woke up Tuesday morning, it had become clear to everyone that family patriarch Josh Billings had already lived seven full lifetimes.