WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the shutdown of the federal government continues, feral government workers have begun to roam American streets in packs.
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Bill Burr Lands Stand-Up Comedy Gig On Jabba’s Sail Barge
DUNE SEA — Comedian Bill Burr has reportedly accepted an offer to perform on Khettana, a luxury sail barge owned by Jabba the Hutt.
Federal Judge Orders National Guard To Shoot Pepper Spray In Own Eyes
U.S. — In a brave act of judicial resistance to Trump’s executive tyranny, District Judge Karin Immergut has ordered the National Guard to shoot pepper spray into their own eyes.
Mark Sanchez Sentenced To Five More Seasons With The New York Jets
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Legal analysts were stunned by the severity of the penalty handed down in the wake of a weekend stabbing incident, as former NFL player Mark Sanchez was sentenced to five more seasons with the New York Jets.
Jay Jones Unwinds After Stressful Day By Repeatedly Stabbing His Republican Voodoo Doll
NORFOLK, VA — State attorney general nominee Jay Jones was seen relaxing after a stressful day on the campaign trail by repeatedly stabbing his trusty Republican voodoo doll.
Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating The Only Artist Who Can Perform The Super Bowl Halftime Show Is Creed
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America took yet another step away from destructive progressive policies and toward a new Golden Age today, as President Donald Trump signed an executive order mandating that the only musical act that can perform at the Super Bowl halftime show is Creed.
UK Police Still Searching For Motive Of Terrorist Named ‘Jihad Jewkiller’
MANCHESTER, U.K. — Police in Great Britain are working to determine the motive of a man named Jihad Jewkiller who attacked a synagogue earlier this week.
ESPN To No Longer Cover Sports, Will Focus Exclusively On WNBA
BRISTOL, CT — ESPN will bring its 45 years of sports coverage to a close as it shifts to exclusively covering the WNBA.
Pope Activates Ice Powers, Builds Ice Palace While Singing In Sparkly Blue Dress
VATICAN CITY — In a stunning scene this morning, Pope Leo activated his long-dormant ice powers and built a magical ice palace while belting out showtunes.
Unitarian President Reaffirms Belief That A Man Should Not Speak In Church
BOSTON, MA — The President of the Unitarian Universalist Association has come out strongly to reaffirm the denomination’s commitment to the belief that a man should not speak in church.