PLANO, TX — After moving to Plano and spending weeks searching for a new church home, Dan and Cyndi Badeen hit the jackpot when they walked into St. Paul’s Lutheran and found hymnals, an organ, and a male pastor.
Babylon Bee
Family Arriving For Easter Service Surprised How Different Church Looks Without The Christmas Decorations
ATLANTA, GA — As the Glennon family walked into church for Easter service today, they were caught off guard by how different the church looked without Christmas decorations.
Matt Walsh Jumps Out Of Bushes At Easter Egg Hunt To Inform The Kids Bunnies Laying Eggs Is Biologically Impossible
NASHVILLE, TN — A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it’s biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
Roman Soldier Assigned To Guard Tomb Of Some Jewish Carpenter Looking Forward To Uneventful Weekend
JERUSALEM—Local Roman soldier Plinius was given his guard assignment for the weekend and was delighted to see he'd been entrusted with guarding the tomb of "some Jewish carpenter guy," as he'd be able to get some shut-eye and have a nice, relaxing weekend.
Cain Raises $1,000,000 In Crowdfunding Donations After Killing Abel
EAST OF EDEN — Public opinion was heavily divided this week after accused murderer Cain raised $1,000,000 in crowdfunding donations after killing his brother, Abel.
UK Stabbing Suspect Pleads Muslim
LONDON — Prosecutors were stopped in their tracks this week and left with no recourse to pursue the case any further, after a suspect in a recent stabbing incident in the United Kingdom pleaded Muslim.
Liberals Warn Enforcing Immigration Law Is A Slippery Slope That May Lead To Enforcing Other Laws
U.S. — With politicians and pundits still involved in heated debates over the legality of the deportation of an MS-13 gang member, liberals warned the public that enforcing immigration law was a slippery slope that could lead to enforcing other laws.
Local Dad Has To Be Forcibly Removed From WW2 Air Museum
CHINO, CA — Local dad Daxton Colt was reportedly having an enjoyable day at the local World War II aviation museum before he was forcibly removed from the premises for staying way past the normal open visiting hours of 10:00AM to 4:00PM.
Catholic Scholars Confirm Purgatory Consists Of Helping Third Graders With Math For Hundreds Of Years
VATICAN CITY — Distinguished canon law scholars in the Roman Catholic church have just confirmed that Purgatory consists of helping 3rd-graders with their math homework for hundreds of years.
NBA Provides LeBron With Special Whistle To Call His Own Fouls
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a historic decision, the National Basketball Referees Association announced its intention of giving LeBron James his very own whistle to call his own fouls.
Democrats Call For An Individual Court Hearing For Everyone On Earth To Prove They Aren’t American Citizens
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As controversy swirls over the deportation of Kilmar Abrego Garcia, Democrat politicians have joined together to call for an individual court hearing for everyone on earth to prove that they aren’t American citizens.
‘Weeeeee I’m An Astronaut!’ Exclaims Katy Perry During Ride On Disneyland Astro Orbiter
ANAHEIM, CA — Singer and TV personality Katy Perry inspired dozens Thursday after declaring she was an astronaut following a brief ride on Disneyland’s Astro Orbiter.
American Hostages In Gaza Disguise Themselves As MS-13 Gang Members So Democrats Will Fight To Bring Them Home
GAZA — In a desperate attempt to return to family and friends they haven’t seen in over a year and a half, American hostages being held by Hamas reportedly disguised themselves as MS-13 gang members so Democrats would fight to bring them home to the U.S.
Trump Agrees To Bring Garcia Home If El Salvador Will Keep Cory Booker
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With controversy ongoing over a judge ordering a deported MS-13 gang member to be returned to the U.S., news broke that President Donald Trump had agreed to bring Kilmar Abrego Garcia home if El Salvador would keep Senator Cory Booker.
Maine Sues To Allow Sasquatch To Continue Competing In Women’s Sports
AUGUSTA, ME — The state of Maine has recently continued its struggle for equity by suing the federal government to allow Sasquatch to continue competing in women’s sports.
10 People We’d Like To Launch Into Space
Sorry Excuse For A Church Only Has One Service LOOOOOOOOL
RALEIGH, NC — Evangelical churchgoers in the Raleigh area have begun to notice that there is a sorry excuse for a church in town that only has one service. This has led to many people in the area pointing and laughing at Living Word Baptist Church as they…
Biden Gives Powerful Speech Reminding Nation Why He’s No Longer President
CHICAGO, IL — Former President Joe Biden delivered a heartfelt address reminding the nation precisely why he is no longer President.
Harvard Awards Honorary Degree To Man Who Firebombed Governor Shapiro’s House
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a beautiful ceremony today, Harvard University bestowed an honorary degree to the pro-Hamas activist Cody Balmer, who firebombed Governor Josh Shapiro’s home.
‘A Woman Is An Adult Human Female’ Rules U.K. Judge That Looks Suspiciously Like Matt Walsh In A Powdered Wig
LONDON — As the United Kingdom’s Supreme Court Judge issued a landmark ruling that "a woman" is defined as "an adult human female", onlookers could not help but notice that the judge looked suspiciously like Matt Walsh in a powdered wig.
9 Loopholes To Help You Avoid Paying Taxes
It’s that time of year again when everyone lets the government steal from them in the form of "taxes." But what if there were some easy tricks to avoid paying taxes altogether?
California Mandates Homeowners Install Wheelchair Ramps On Porches For Disabled Burglars
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a landmark initiative praised by advocates as a sign of tremendous progress for the handicapped community, the state of California mandated that homeowners install wheelchair ramps on all porches for disabled burglars.
Harvard Warns Loss Of Federal Funding Will Cripple Their Ability To Find A Final Solution To The Jewish Problem
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In the wake of the Trump administration freezing $2.3 billion in federal funding to Harvard University, leaders of the university are sounding the alarm that the loss of funding will severely cripple their ability to find a final solution to the Jewish Problem.
10 Reasons Women Make Better Astronauts Than Men
Though men were the first to reach for the stars, science has proven definitively that women are far better suited to the task. Consider the evidence.
Trump Summons Elon Musk To Oval Office To Help Him Open A PDF
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In another win for technical competence, Elon Musk put his technocrat skills to good use when Trump recently summoned him to the Oval Office to help him open a PDF.
Health Tip: To Beat Those Spring Allergies, Try Diving Headfirst Into A Volcano
Allergies getting you down? Medical professionals agree that the best way to take care of those pesky allergies is to dive headfirst into a volcano and die. Instantly, your allergies will be gone!
Trump Reveals He Took ‘Which Harry Potter House Are You In?’ Quiz And He’s A Gryffindor
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A specialized test used to determine which Hogwarts House a person belongs to has proven once and for all that President Trump is "smart as a whip" and a Gryffindor.
Man Sadly Informs Son After Watching ‘Return Of The Jedi’ That They Never Made Any More Star Wars Movies
BLOOMINGTON, IN — One local man had the unenviable task of ruining his child’s day, as he sadly informed his son after watching Return of the Jedi that they never made any more Star Wars movies.
Top 10 Hottest Hunks According To Taylor Lorenz
Former Washington Post journalist Taylor Lorenz cemented herself as the world’s leading style icon when she called Luigi Mangione, who murdered a healthcare CEO, a handsome and morally good person. That’s why we invited her to give us her top ten list of the hunkiest men of all…
Man Realizes Last 8 Months Of Career Could Have Been An Email
DENVER, CO — Middle Manager Colin Mears slowly realized today that the last 8 months of his career could have just been a single email.