U.S. — With the horrific news breaking of yet another mass shooting at a school, the media has remained completely stumped as to anything recent mass shooters could have in common.
Babylon Bee
Family Leaving Church After Finding Out Pastor Pronounces ‘Wash’ Like ‘Worsh’
GILBERT, AZ — According to sources, a family of church visitors left services almost immediately on Sunday after the finding out that pastor said "worsh" instead of "wash."
Wife Interrupts Own Story With Another Story
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Local wife Rebecca Gadsen interrupted a story she was telling her husband to begin telling yet another unrelated story.
TPUSA Announces ‘All-American Olympics’ Featuring Kid Rock Competing In Every Sport
U.S. — Turning Point USA has announced that they will be hosting the "All-American Olympics" which will feature Kid Rock competing in every single Olympic sport.
Peter Trying To Explain To John The Baptist He Doesn’t Have To Eat Bugs Anymore
HEAVEN — Old habits from life on Earth seemed to be challenging to break, as reports from Heaven indicated that Saint Peter was seen trying to explain to John the Baptist that he didn’t have to eat bugs anymore.
9 Leading Candidates For Next Year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show
Bad Bunny broke down barriers at this year’s Super Bowl by putting on a show that only 15% of the viewing audience could understand, which has people wondering how the NFL will follow it up.
Next Halftime Show To Be Performed Entirely In Sindarin Elvish
U.S. — In an effort to expand the global market for American football, the National Football League announced on Tuesday that next year’s Super Bowl halftime show would be performed entirely in Sindarin Elvish.
Wife Refuses To Return Stolen Land She Took From Husband’s Side Of Bed
RICHMOND, VA — In a blatant and callous display of colonialism, local wife Jennifer Carlin refused to return the land she stole from her husband John’s side of the bed last night.
Lindsey Vonn Announces She Has Joined The U.S. Paralympics Team
CORTINA D’AMPEZZO — After suffering a nasty fall on the slopes during the women’s downhill competition, American skier Lindsey Vonn announced that she had joined the U.S. Paralympics team.
Alarming Study Shows Average Somali High School Senior In Minnesota Committing Fraud At Just A 5th Grade Level
EDINA, MN — An alarming new study of Minnesota schools revealed that the average Somali high school senior is only committing fraud at a 5th-grade level.