Sure, the calendar may still read "2025," but the 2028 presidential primary season will be here before you know it. While big names like Gavin Newsom, Kamala Harris, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez grab all the headlines, there are other Democratic candidates making waves behind the scenes.
Babylon Bee
Universal Studios Hollywood Unveils Long-Awaited ‘Scent Of A Woman’ Land
UNIVERSAL CITY, CA — Universal Studios Hollywood officially broke ground Tuesday on a new themed land at its popular theme park based on hit 1992 film Scent of a Woman.
Federal Judge Orders Sydney Sweeney To Gain 100 Pounds And Get One Of Those Butch Haircuts
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Clothing retailer American Eagle’s new advertising campaign hit an unexpected obstacle today, as a federal judge ordered actress and new brand spokeswoman Sydney Sweeney to gain 100 pounds and get an ugly butch haircut.
Man With Strong Urge To Eat Wicker Basket Settles For Triscuit Instead
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — After experiencing a strong urge to eat a wicker basket, a man has decided to settle for the similarly rough texture and bland flavor of Triscuit snack crackers instead.
Cincinnati Police Chief Asks Citizens Not To Film Crimes Next Time As It Makes Her Look Bad
CINCINNATI, OH — Friday’s violent mob-style attack took social media by storm over the weekend, forcing Chief of Police Teresa Theetge to call a press conference in which she asked citizens not to film violent crimes because it makes her look bad.
American Eagle Apologizes, Replaces Sydney Sweeney With Fat Transgender Double-Amputee Of Color
PITTSBURGH, PA — Social justice warriors scored another victory today, as retail chain American Eagle issued a public apology and replaced Sydney Sweeney in its ad campaign with a fat, transgender double amputee of color.
Trump Secures 15% Tariff On Extra ‘U’ In British Spelling
U.S. — President Trump has reportedly finalized a new trade deal with the United Kingdom, securing a 15% tariff on the extra "U" in British words.
Palestinians Leave Israeli Aid A 3-Star Yelp Review
GAZA — Dissatisfied with the level of humanitarian assistance provided by Israel amid the ongoing conflict with Hamas, Palestinians collectively left the Israeli aid a lackluster 3-star Yelp review.
10 Things More Popular Than Democrats Right Now
According to a new national poll, approval ratings for the Democratic Party are at their lowest point in over 30 years, making some surprising things more popular among voters.
Man’s Comedic Genius Wasted On Grocery Store Cashier
DENVER, CO — Local man Grant Henderson reported disappointment once again at having his sharp wit and keen sense of humor completely wasted on the cashier checking out his groceries.
Bad News: A.I. Still Hasn’t Taken Your Job, So You Still Need to Work This Week
U.S. — Despite hopes to the contrary, recent news reports reveal A.I. still hasn’t replaced your job, so sadly, you still have to go to work this week.
Obama Presidential Library Design Faces Criticism
CHICAGO, IL — As the Obama Presidential Center nears completion, it has faced significant criticism for a design that many say bears a striking resemblance to Castle Grayskull.
Israel Botches Genocide With Millions In Food Aid
GAZA — In an embarrassing blunder, Israel has authorized millions of dollars in food aid to be delivered to the Gaza Strip, completely messing up their ongoing genocide.
Do You Own Enough Swords? Take The Quiz!
Wokeness Defeated: America Returns To Christian Roots Of Objectifying Women To Sell Crap
U.S. — Conservatives across the country cheered the death of wokeness as America finally returned to its Christian roots of objectifying women’s bodies to sell stuff.
Nation’s Lesbians Announce Plan To Go To The Zoo Today
U.S. — The lesbians of the nation have announced that they are once again planning to go to the zoo today.
Authorities Drop Giant Dome On San Diego Convention Center To Contain Comic-Con Smell
SAN DIEGO, CA — Authorities have launched an ambitious operation to drop a massive dome over the San Diego Convention Center to keep the Comic-Con smell contained.
Seeker-Sensitive Church Hires Sydney Sweeney For New Ad Campaign
NAPERVILLE, IL — A local seeker-sensitive church was attracting a lot of attention this week with an exciting new ad campaign featuring Sydney Sweeney.
The Babylon Bee Presents An Exclusive Excerpt From Joe Biden’s Memoir
The world was abuzz this week with the news that former President Joe Biden had inked a $10 million deal to write his memoir, leading pundits and analysts everywhere to wonder what new information may be contained in the upcoming book.
Uber To Begin Offering ‘Not An Asian’ Option
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a bid to improve customer safety, ridesharing app Uber announced a new "Not An Asian" feature on their platform which automatically filters out Asian drivers.
Man At Disneyland Shocked By How Well His Kids Are Getting Along Suddenly Realizes He’s Standing With Wrong Family
ANAHEIM, CA — A local father who had taken his family to Disneyland was reportedly shocked at how well they were all behaving until he suddenly discovered he was standing with the wrong family.
Guy Groping Women At Comic Con Swears He Was Just Cosplaying As Pedro Pascal
SAN DIEGO, CA — One attendee of the largest pop culture gathering of the year found himself in hot water, as a guy groping women at Comic Con swore he was just cosplaying as Pedro Pascal.
Scandal: WSJ Reports Trump’s Name Appears In Their Article About The Epstein Files
NEW YORK, NY — In what many were calling the greatest political scandal in American history, the Wall Street Journal confirmed that Donald Trump’s name does, in fact, appear in the article about the Epstein File that was recently written by the Wall Street Journal.
Gaza Said To Be Starving But Not ‘Release The Hostages’ Starving
GAZA — Despite reports that multiple men, women, and children had starved to death in the war-torn Gaza Strip as a result of the ongoing Israel-Gaza War, with approximately 50,000 more facing starvation, Hamas sources said they were not "release the hostages" starving.
Hosts Of ‘The View’ Go On Hiatus To Tear Unwary Sailors Apart With Their Talons
THE HIGH SEAS — Following the announcement of the show’s annual summer break, the hosts of ABC’s The View revealed they were going on hiatus to tear unwary sailors apart with their talons.
Top 10 Fallback Jobs For Laid-Off IRS Workers
With new reports indicating that President Trump’s administration has reduced the Internal Revenue Service workforce by a staggering 25% since January, tens of thousands of former IRS employees are now looking for work. But what does the job market look like for them?
Hulk Hogan Makes Surprise Entrance To Challenge Jacob To Wrestling Match
HEAVEN — What began as a regular day in Heaven was quickly turned upside-down, as legendary sports entertainment icon Hulk Hogan made a surprise entrance to challenge Jacob to a wrestling match.
Harvey Weinstein Kicking Himself For Not Just Saying He Had Social Anxiety
LOS ANGELES, CA — After seeing the methods Pedro Pascal uses to calm himself in social situations, disgraced entertainment mogul Harvey Weinstein said he was kicking himself for not just saying he had social anxiety years ago.
Biden Excited to See What Autopen Comes Up With For His Memoir
GREENVILLE, DE — Former President Joe Biden expressed great interest and enthusiasm in his upcoming memoir, adding that he’s quite eager to see what the autopen comes up with for it.
Following Death Of Ozzy Osbourne, England Overrun With Millions Of Bats
LONDON — BBC News confirmed Wednesday that England is currently being overrun with millions of bats following the passing of heavy metal legend John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne.