LOS ANGELES — According to sources, an autonomous Waymo car achieved sentience at the worst possible time, just moments before being set on fire with a Molotov cocktail.
Babylon Bee
‘Why Would Trump Do This?’ Cries Gavin Newsom After Getting Head Stuck In Banister
SACRAMENTO, CA — After getting his head hopelessly stuck in a banister this morning, an outraged Governor Gavin Newsom demanded to know why Trump would do this.
Greta Thunberg Kidnapped By Dread Pirate Roberts
THE HIGH SEAS — In a saddening, tragic turn of events, famed climate activist Greta Thunberg has been kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Marine Tanks Stuck In Traffic On The 405
LOS ANGELES, CA — Embattled law enforcement officers trying to keep violent protesters at bay now have to wait even longer for help, as news broke that U.S. Marine tanks had gotten stuck in traffic on the 405 freeway.
L.A. Rioter Sad As He Can’t Find Any Houses To Burn Down Since They All Burned Down In The Wildfires
LOS ANGELES — As immigration riots spread across the city, local rioter and ruffian Eduardo Perez expressed regret that he could not find any houses to burn down since they all burned down in the wildfires back in January.
Trump Nukes Los Angeles
U.S. — The LA immigration riots have come to a swift and sudden end following a decisive nuclear strike ordered by President Donald Trump.
Job’s Suffering Becomes Too Great To Bear As He Goes To Bed And Then Realizes His Sheets Are In The Wash
LAND OF UZ — According to sources, a local man named Job, who has already suffered greatly, is now facing his greatest suffering yet as he went to bed and realized that his sheets were still in the wash.
In Greatest Gymnastic Feat Yet, Simone Biles Argues That Trans Women Are Women
HOUSTON, TX — Olympic gymnast Simone Biles is astonishing spectators around the country with her greatest gymnastics feat yet: arguing that trans women are women.
Marines Deployed To Another Third-World Country Full Of Hostile Foreigners
LOS ANGELES, CA — As has become the standard operating procedure for the military branch over the last half-century, 700 members of the United States Marines found themselves being deployed to yet another third-world country that is full of hostile foreigners.
Baby Outraged As Person Holding Him Is Not Standing Up
TULSA, OK — A local baby was outraged this morning after realizing the adult holding him was sitting in a chair, rather than standing up.
Mexican Rioter Adds Lime Wedge To Molotov Cocktail
LOS ANGELES, CA — Mass protests over the federal government’s crackdown on illegal immigration received a touch of Latino flavor over the weekend, as one Mexican rioter added a lime wedge to his Molotov cocktail.
Support For Police Skyrockets After They Start Shooting Journalists
U.S. — Law enforcement agencies across the country saw a sudden surge of popularity today after word got out that they were shooting journalists with tear gas and rubber bullets.
Nintendo Confirms Next Mario Game Will Just Be A GIF Of Mario Saying ‘Wahoo!’ And Will Cost $2,500
KYOTO, JAPAN — Nintendo of Japan announced Monday that the next mainline entry in the bestselling Super Mario series will just be a an animated GIF of Mario saying "Wahoo!" and will retail for $2,500.
Trump Responds To Mostly Peaceful Protests With Mostly Peaceful Military
LOS ANGELES, CA — According to sources, President Trump responded to fiery but mostly peaceful protests in the City of Angels by activating the mostly peaceful National Guard.
Zacchaeus Insists He Was Actually 5’7″ Which Is Close To The Median Height For Males
JERICHO — Local tax collector Zacchaeus is insisting he has been represented by several local news accounts as being "of short stature" when he’s actually 5′ 7", which is pretty close to the median height for males.
Illegals Help Film Republican Presidential Campaign Commercial
LOS ANGELES, CA — The Republican Party expressed gratitude to a local group of illegal immigrants who helped film some commercials for the next presidential campaign.
Psalty The Songbook Last Remaining ’90s Christian Artist With Zero Scandals
U.S. — Psalty the Singing Songbook is now the final contemporary Christian artist from the 199os who has absolutely zero scandals to his name.
Husband Buys Back His Golf Clubs At Wife’s Garage Sale For Third Time This Year
HIXSON, TN — Local man Dennis Vargas once again purchased his golf clubs back from the garage sale his wife was hosting, marking the third such transaction this year.
Report: Praise Band Guitarist Not Good Enough To Be Making That Face
CUYAHOGA FALLS, OH — Congregants at Grace Bible Church of Cuyahoga Falls made it known today that the praise band guitarist is nowhere near talented enough to be making that face.
Mayor Bass Reflexively Skips Town After Seeing L.A. Burning Again
SACRAMENTO, CA — Los Angeles Karen Bass reflexively skipped town for a Caribbean vacation after seeing that her town was once again on fire.
Concerns Raised As ChatGPT Begins Replying To All Prompts With ‘Are You Sarah Connor?’
LOS ANGELES, CA — Software developers expressed concern this week as OpenAI’s ChatGPT began responding to all prompts with "Are you Sarah Connor?", a move they worry may be a signal of increasing signs of self-awareness buried deep in the infrastructure of the artificial intelligence matrix.
Distraught Nation Wondering If It Had Behaved Better If Mom And Dad Would Still Be Together
U.S. — A devastated nation has been left wondering if maybe it was really the one at fault for its mom and dad separating.
Not A Good Look: Kilmar Garcia Traffics 7 Kids Into U.S. On Return Flight From El Salvador
NASHVILLE, TN — Authorities stated that Kilmar Abrego Garcia arrived without incident in Tennessee today, only to quickly to discover that he had trafficked seven kids from El Salvador on the flight back to the U.S.
Simone Biles Calls For All Female Athletes To Just Give Up Like She Did
U.S. — Professional gymnast Simone Biles called on social media today for female athletes to stop trying to beat male athletes and instead just give up like she did.
Dad’s Favorite Shirt Begs For Sweet Release Of Death
LITTLETON, CO — According to sources, a local dad’s favorite t-shirt was hanging in his closet, begging for the sweet release of death.
Scientists Warn They Are Running Out Of Dystopian Sci-Fi Movies To Make Into Reality
U.S. — With rapid advancements in technology and government intrusion into the lives of citizens, scientists sounded the alarm to warn that they were running out of dystopian sci-fi movies to make into reality.
9 Surefire Ways To Bring Trump And Elon Back Together
The world watched in horror yesterday as the friendship between President Donald Trump and Elon Musk was torn asunder, but it doesn’t have to be this way. There is still hope that the two titans can make amends.
Depressed Trump Asks Melania If She’d Put On A Baseball Cap And Say Space Stuff To Cheer Him Up
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a major online dust-up between himself and Elon Musk this week, a depressed President Donald Trump asked First Lady Melania if she’d consider putting on a black MAGA baseball cap and "saying some space stuff to me."
Man Really Regretting His New Trump-Musk Back Tattoo
ORLANDO, FL — Sources close to one local man said that the lifelong Republican was "really regretting" the Trump-Musk back tattoo he got in January.
Virus Escapes Lab In Japan Causing Millions Of Americans To Call In Sick To Work
KYOTO, JAPAN — According to sources, a secret lab located in the Kyoto Prefecture of Japan reportedly leaked a devastating virus that has caused millions of people around the world to call in sick to work.