BLUE SPRINGS, MO — A local man was confronted with the unpleasant reality that he had failed miserably as a father after he discovered that his young son was rooting for the New York Yankees.
Babylon Bee
Dems Call For Common-Sense Sombrero Control
U.S. — In the wake of President Trump unleashing devastating videos showing Representative Hakeem Jeffries wearing traditional Mexican garb, Democrats have called for common-sense sombrero control.
Nation Erupts In Celebration As Government Finally Shuts Down
U.S. — Celebrations have erupted all across America today as the federal government has actually shut down.
Entire Federal Workforce Replaced By Very Tired Marco Rubio
U.S. — The entire federal workforces has officially been replaced by a noticeably fatigued Marco Rubio
Super Bowl Halftime Show To Feature MS-13 Backup Dancers
NEW YORK, NY — In addition to announcing that music star Bad Bunny would be performing, the National Football League issued a follow-up statement revealing that the Super Bowl halftime show would also feature authentic MS-13 backup dancers.
Saudi-Owned EA Will No Longer Allow Women To Play ‘Need For Speed’
RIYADH — Among the many expected changes coming to the popular developer’s line of video games following its sale, the now Saudi-owned EA will no longer allow women to play Need for Speed.
10 Changes Hegseth Is Making To Military Health Requirements
New military fitness standards were all the buzz today, as Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that all personnel would be expected to meet higher criteria moving forward. But what, exactly, will be required?
Pete Hegseth Hires Hans, Franz To Get Generals Into Shape
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing an alarming health crisis across the U.S. military leadership, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced on Tuesday that he had hired legendary fitness trainers Hans and Franz to get all the top generals into shape.
Hamas Rejects Deal To End Genocide After Learning It Would Require Them To Stop Killing Jews
GAZA — Despite early reports that the Palestinian terrorist organization was open to accepting the terms of President Donald Trump’s brokered peace plan, Hamas rejected the deal to end alleged genocide in the region after learning it would require them to stop killing Jews.
Researchers Believe Autism Is Caused By Trains Being So Gosh Darned Cool
U.S. — A groundbreaking study of the factors contributing to autism has convinced scientists and doctors that autism is most likely caused by trains being so gosh darned cool.