WASHINGTON, D.C. — Less than a week after yet another assassination attempt against President Donald Trump, leaders of the Democratic Party pushed back against claims that they are guilty of inciting violence and said anyone who thinks they are should be eliminated by any means necessary.
Babylon Bee
Man Regrets Spending 15 Minutes Reading Bible This Morning
JACKSONVILLE, FL — Local man Trevor Riggs announced that he regretted spending 15 minutes reading the Bible this morning.
Amtrak Informs Small Town Girl Living In A Lonely World That They Don’t Actually Have A Midnight Train Going Anywhere
U.S. — According to reports, a small town girl living in a lonely world was forced to cancel her travel plans after being politely informed by an Amtrak employee that there isn’t actually a "midnight train going anywhere."
Newly Arrived Boomer Tells Heavenly Sound Guy The Worship Music Is Too Loud
HEAVEN — Within moments of arriving at the Pearly Gates, local boomer Gary Whitaker located Heaven’s sound booth and politely but firmly informed the angelic operator that the worship music was too loud.
Smoke Alarm Patiently Waits Until 3 A.M. To Announce Low Battery
MACON, GA — A smoke alarm living in the house of a local family waited patiently until all the home’s occupants went to sleep to start beeping loudly sometime around 3 A.M. to announce that its battery was low.
7 Devastating Effects Of Ending Race-Based Gerrymandering
With yesterday’s ruling, the United States Supreme Court officially declared it illegal to redraw voting districts based on the races of its citizenry. Sad!
Mayor Mamdnai Declares Crisis Of Having Run Out Of Other People’s Money
NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani declared an official budget crisis in the city after having completely run out of other people’s money.
After Seeing Ben Sasse’s Incredible Faith And Character, Nation Understands Why He Had To Leave Politics
UNITED STATES — After seeing Ben Sasse’s incredible faith in God and upstanding moral character, the nation now understands why the former senator had to leave politics behind.
Dad Splits Commute Time Between Worshipping The Lord Jesus Christ And Cursing Out Bad Drivers
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — Traveling to and from work followed its standard pattern this morning, as a local dad once again split his commute between worshipping the Lord Jesus Christ and cursing out bad drivers.
Vegan Crossfitter Cyclist Unsure What To Tell You About First
SANTA MONICA, CA — According to sources, a local vegan Crossfitter cyclist has become increasingly frustrated in his social life because he never knows what to tell people about first.