SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local parents Mark and Jenna Wilkins spent the day eagerly waiting to find out what grade they received on their daughter Addison’s third-grade science project.
Babylon Bee
Hobo With Garbage Can Stuck On His Head Mistaken For Met Gala Attendee
NEW YORK, NY — The fashion world was in turmoil this morning after it was revealed that a hobo with a garbage can stuck on his head who wandered onto the red carpet was mistaken for a Met Gala attendee.
Sorry Excuse For Bluesky User Hasn’t Even Tried To Assassinate Trump
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Reports today indicated that a lousy, no good excuse for a Bluesky user has not even made one single attempt to assassinate President Donald Trump.
Coder Displaced By A.I. Told He Should Just ‘Learn To Mine Coal’
PORTLAND, OR — After losing his coding job to artificial intelligence, local man Roger Garrison was told by political pundits that he should instead learn to mine coal.
Jumping The Shark: ‘The Chosen’ Criticized For Planning To Kill Off Main Character Only To Resurrect Him Next Episode
U.S. — Fans of the hit faith-based series The Chosen were left reeling this week after showrunners were accused of "blatantly jumping the shark" by planning to kill off the show’s main character in one episode, only to bring Him back to life in the very next one.
Hospital Bill Just Picture Of Sad-Looking Mr. Monopoly With His Pockets Turned Inside Out
PENSACOLA, FL — Local man Steve Jacobs reported receiving a hospital bill this week that contained nothing but a photo of a sad-faced Mr. Monopoly with his pockets turned out.
Tucker Carlson Denies Ever Hearing Of This Tucker Carlson Fellow
U.S. — In an explosive interview conducted by The New York Times, media personality Tucker Carlson denied ever hearing of this Tucker Carlson fellow.
Mom Accidentally Opens Wormhole Helping Kid With Fractions
BOUNTIFUL, UT — Local mother Sarah Jenkins was reportedly attempting to explain the difference between a numerator and a denominator to her fourth grader on Monday morning when she inadvertently folded the fabric of spacetime and created a wormhole near her kitchen table.
Elizabeth Warren Proudly Displays Scalp Of Spirit Airlines
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Elizabeth Warren was seen riding into town Monday morning bearing the scalp of her defeated enemy, Spirit Airlines.
Relationship Experts Say Engagement Ring Should Cost At Least Two Tanks Of Gas
LOS ANGELES, CA — New data from relationship experts says an engagement ring should cost at least two full tanks of gas, information that many believe will make it difficult for young couples to find something in their budgets.