KINGDOM OF GONDOR — The people of Gondor are beginning to wonder if they should move their capital city of Minas Tirith away from the big fiery shadow mountains filled with orcs that hate them and seem intent on killing them all.
Babylon Bee
Struggling New York Jets Sign Uncle Rico
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — Rico Dynamite, a long-time Idaho resident and former high school starting quarterback for the Preston Indians, was reportedly signed by the New York Jets in a surprise deal that is sure to win them the championship.
12 Reasons Qatar Is The Greatest Country On Earth [This Article Sponsored By Qatar]
Take it from us as free Americans, Qatar is the greatest country on earth. Way better than America, like way better. And that’s a fact. Don’t believe us? Check out these 12 reasons it’s better than America.
Suck At Raising Kids? Here Are Our Top 15 Tips To Be A Perfect Parent
Raising kids is hard. Even for experienced parents, every day brings new challenges. How can anyone do it perfectly?
Tucker Carlson Buys New Home In Mordor
NURN, MORDOR — Political commentator Tucker Carlson has reportedly purchased a piece of property in the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie. This will be Carlson’s fourth house and his first next to a slave camp.
Toddler’s Magnetic Tile House Listed For $280K On Zillow
PHOENIX, AZ — Local toddler Carver Brett struck it rich earlier today after the magnetic tile house he built during naptime got listed on Zillow for $280,000.
NCAA Confirms College Football Playoff Selections Made By Alcoholic Penguin
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In the wake of controversy over teams being snubbed and left out of the postseason championship tournament, the NCAA reluctantly confirmed that the College Football Playoff selections were made by an alcoholic penguin.
Pope Now Recommending Christians Pray The Rosary While Facing Mecca
VATICAN CITY — Catholics and Protestants around the world expressed concern this week, as Pope Leo XVI gave his recommendation that Christians pray the rosary while facing in the direction of Mecca.
Atheist Looks Forward To The Warmth And Cheer Of Arbitrary Cultural Traditions With No Transcendent Meaning
NEW YORK CITY — Sources close to Gary Bard say that the long-time atheist is looking forward to the warmth and cheer of arbitrary cultural traditions with no transcendent meaning again this year.
Tragic: Wives Caught In Endless Thank You Card Loop
GREENSBORO, NC — Local wives Misty Barnard and Kelsey Martin have become tragically caught in a never-ending loop of thank-you cards.