MOBILE, AL — Local underperforming Christian Jason Bingham continued his lukewarm ways today, settling for attending the Third Baptist Church of Mobile.
Babylon Bee
We Asked 100 Women The Most Attractive Quality In A Man And They All Agreed It’s Painting Tiny Warhammer Figures
What a culture finds appealing in the opposite sex can evolve over time. So we polled 100 different women to see what they considered the most attractive quality in a man — and the answer may surprise you.
Turd On San Francisco Sidewalk Now Polling Second In California Governor’s Race
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With less than six months to go before residents vote to elect the state’s next leader, the latest polls showed that a turd on a San Francisco sidewalk was now in second place to become California’s governor.
Couple Trapped On Hantavirus-Infected Cruise Decline Chance To Go Home On Carnival Cruise Ship
SOUTH CARIBBEAN — A couple trapped on a hantavirus-infected cruise ship reportedly have declined to be rescued by a nearby Carnival cruise, saying they’d rather take their chances with hantavirus instead.
California Governor Debate Descends Into Chaos As Katie Porter Dumps Scalding Mashed Potatoes On Moderators
MONTEREY PARK, CA — A heated debated between the candidates for governor of California descended into mayhem last night after Katie Porter dumped an entire pot of scalding mashed potatoes on the moderators’ heads.
Compassionate Federal Judge Rules Assassin Should Get One More Shot To Kill Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark decision to compensate for what was described as "mistreatment" he suffered in jail, would-be assassin Cole Allen was granted one more chance to try to kill President Donald Trump.
Democrats Clarify Everyone Is A Nazi Except The Guy With Nazi Tattoo
U.S. — Members of the Democratic Party from across the nation issued a statement clarifying that everyone is an evil Nazi except that one guy running for Senate in Maine who has a Nazi tattoo.
10 New Additions To Trump’s Presidential Fitness Test
President Donald Trump announced this week that he was reinstating the Presidential Fitness Test to evaluate the physical health of America’s public school students.
Photo Caption Challenge Winner: Trump And The Bees Edition
Last week, we put out the challenge to our intrepid subscribers to caption this glorious photo of Trump with a bee. After sifting through the stack of entries, the editorial team at the Bee is proud to announce the winner is:
Adam And Eve Compile Comprehensive List Of Potential Suspects In Abel’s Murder
EAST OF EDEN — After discovering the horrific murder of their son Abel, Adam and Eve sat down to compile a comprehensive list of possible suspects.