U.S. — As mid-term election campaigns ramp up across the country, insiders revealed that the Republican Party was hard at work searching insane asylums for its next popular female politician.
Babylon Bee
Walmart Responds To Sydney Sweeney Ad With Commerical Featuring Sexy Dad In Cargo Shorts
BENTONVILLE, AR — Taking inspiration from American Eagle’s Sydney Sweeney ad, Walmart unveiled an exciting new television commercial featuring a sexy middle-aged dad in cargo shorts.
In Most Incredible Miracle Yet, Jesus Heals 40-Year-Old Man Of Weird Sounds His Joints Make Whenever He Moves
BATON ROUGE, LA — In a miracle outstripping even the raising of Lazarus from the dead, Jesus healed 40-year-old John Stephens of all the weird sounds his joints make every time he moves.
Satan Takes Trump To Roof Of White House To Offer Him All The Kingdoms Of The World
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump was spotted on the roof of the White House Tuesday with none other than the Father of Lies, who reportedly offered him all the kingdoms of the world.
Texas Gerrymanders Districts Into Giant Whataburger Logo
AUSTIN, TX — Texas state representatives finally reached a quorum Tuesday and adopted a congressional redistricting map in the shape of the Whataburger logo.
Secret Service In Awe As Trump Walks On Moderately Sloped Roof
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Members of the United States Secret Service were reportedly awestruck today, as they witnessed President Donald Trump performing the seemingly impossible feat of walking casually on a moderately sloped roof.
Tolkien Estate Releases New Study Version Of ‘The Silmarillion’
OXFORD — There was much rejoicing amongst the race of Men as the Tolkien Estate announced the release of a new study version of The Silmarillion.
Top 10 Quotes From Kamala’s New Book
Former Vice President Kamala Harris has written a new book about her brief presidential campaign called 107 Days, and The Babylon Bee has obtained an advance copy.
Gov. Abbott Rounds Up Posse To Lasso Dems And Drag ‘Em Back To Face Justice
AUSTIN, TX — Governor Greg Abbott reportedly formed a posse of lawmen, bounty hunters, and notable politicians to capture the ne’er-do-well Democrat lawmakers who fled the state and bring them back to Texas — Dead or Alive.
Trump Takes Back Old Position At McDonald’s To Boost Weak Jobs Report
FEASTERVILLE, PA — President Donald Trump returned to the McDonald’s in Pennsylvania, where he previously worked, to boost the country’s lackluster employment rate after the release of less-than-optimal July jobs numbers.