WASHINGTON, D.C. — After an ethics review discovered that Congresswoman Ilhan Omar had committed a slight $30 million accounting error, she assured the public that her finances were handled honestly by the professionals at the Quality Accouting Center.
Babylon Bee
Trump Orders Man Jailed For Failing To Give Attention To This Matter
U.S. — Local man Richard Manfred was arrested today after failing to give attention to a matter despite President Trump thanking him for his attention to the matter.
Hollywood Baffled By Success Of Movie Made To Entertain People
HOLLYWOOD — Studio executives have been utterly baffled by the massive success of a movie made to entertain people.
Health Hack: Secret To Having Energy In 40s Revealed To Be High-Grade Cocaine
Are you entering middle age and finding that you just don’t have the energy you used to? Do you wish you could regain your youthful vigor, but haven’t found anything that works?
Report: Heaven Offers Special Perks For People Who Dress Up Nice For Church
HEAVEN — According to angelic sources, Heaven offers special perks for people who dress up nice for church.
Famous TV Commercial Characters: Where Are They Now?
Television commercials are a touchstone of artistic expression. In them, products are sold, and dreams are forged. In those moments, we may consider them a nuisance, but they can also gain a special place in our hearts. And so it is worth reflecting on what became of our…
Newsom Reinstates Death Penalty For Anyone Caught Investigating Fraud
SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom announced on Friday that he would be signing a law reinstating the death penalty for anyone caught investigating fraud in the state.
9 Exciting Features Coming To Mamdani’s City-Run Grocery Store
Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced his plan to open a $30 million city-run grocery store in the heart of New York City. While that may seem like a lot of money, this isn’t your average Kroger.
$400M Ticketmaster Settlement Reduced To Just $11.50 After Fees
NEW YORK, NY — A New York federal court found Ticketmaster guilty of operating as a monopoly following its 2010 merger with concert promoter Live Nation, and ordered the ticket vendor to pay $400 million in fines, which came out to just $11.50 after service fees.
Crippled Man Lowered Into Oval Office In Search Of Trump’s Healing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a scene reminiscent of ancient Capernaum, a crippled man was lowered through a hole in the ceiling of the Oval Office after hearing rumors of President Donald Trump’s miraculous powers of healing.