NEW YORK — The President took time out of his busy schedule to go on a twenty-minute rant today about The Apprentice, describing it as a ratings disaster and "boring like you wouldn’t believe." NBC was left with no choice but to bring the show back.
Babylon Bee
Rough Week For Liberal Comedy As Kimmel’s, Colbert’s Monthly Cycles Sync Up
U.S. — The liberal comedy scene weathered a challenging week after Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert had their monthly cycles sync up.
Dog CDC Announces Eating Own Poo Completely Safe
ATLANTA, GA — In a groundbreaking statement that seemed to do away with all previous data, a group of researchers from the Dog CDC announced that eating your own poo was completely safe.
‘It’s Still Early, There’s A Lot Of Baseball Left,’ Says Man Whose Team Is Losing By 7 Runs In The 9th
SAN DIEGO, CA — According to sources, local man Chris Martin exhibited signs of delusional behavior last night as he continued to hold out hope that his favorite baseball team could still pull out a win despite being down by 7 runs in the 9th inning.
Pregnant Women Begin Downing Tylenol In Hopes Sons Will Start Electric Car Companies And Become Billionaires
U.S. — A new popular trend was reported to be sweeping America in the wake of HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy’s announcement linking the use of a popular over-the-counter painkiller to a higher risk of autism, as pregnant women began downing Tylenol in hopes that their sons would…
U.S. Begs Brigitte Macron To Please, Please Not Submit Photographic Proof She Is Woman
U.S. — In the midst of an ongoing slander lawsuits regarding allegations that she was born a man, Americans are begging Brigitte Macron to please, please not send them photographic proof she is a woman.
Sinful, Rebellious Homeschooler Stays Up Past 9:30 To Read Chronicles Of Narnia
MILWAUKEE, WI — In a dreadful act of willful disobedience, sinful rebellious homeschooler Jaxsyn Clement stayed up past 9:30 p.m. to read The Chronicles of Narnia.
RFK Announces It’s Actually Fine To Eat The Stuff In The Little Pouch That Says ‘Do Not Eat’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Decades of fear were swept away for millions of Americans this week, as Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that it’s actually fine to eat the stuff in the little pouch that says "DO NOT EAT."
ABC Unfires Jimmy Kimmel For Offensive Comments So They Can Instead Fire Him For Not Being Funny
BURBANK, CA — What had been a week of upheaval in the late-night television landscape came full circle on Monday, as ABC announced that they were unfiring Jimmy Kimmel for offensive comments so they could instead fire him for not being funny.
Calvinism In Decline After Trump And RFK Cure Autism
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Calvinism is reportedly in major decline after President Trump and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. found the cure for autism.