MILANO — The United States Ski Team showed exceptional teamwork this week, as they secured victory in the Synchronized Screaming About Trump event, just barely beating out Iran to win the gold.
Babylon Bee
Pharmaceutical Companies Wondering If They Should Develop Anti-Depressant Whose First Listed Side Effect Isn’t ‘SEVERE THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE’
U.S. — Researchers at the nation’s leading pharmaceutical companies are reportedly having second thoughts about their manufacturing methods for antidepressants, wondering if perhaps they should come up with a pill whose first side effect isn’t "severe thoughts of suicide".
After Relationship Between Parent And Child Irreparably Broken, Math Homework Is Done
ROCHESTER, MN — The relationship between Dave Fromm and his daughter Lucille may have been irreparably annihilated, but at least the math homework is finally finished, say sources close to the situation.
World Gathers To Watch A Bunch Of Sports And Also Figure Skating
WORLD — The 2026 Winter Olympics marks the 25th time that the world has gathered together to watch a bunch of sports and also figure skating.
Imperial Stormtrooper Once Again Finishes Dead Last In Olympic Biathlon
BOLZANO — The Galactic Empire was met with collective disappointment in its first chance at bringing home a medal at the 2026 Milano-Cortina Winter Olympic Games, as an Imperial stormtrooper once again finished dead last in the qualifying round of the men’s biathlon.
Japanese Prime Minister Wins Landslide Victory After Promising To Introduce Forks
TOKYO — A new page in history was turned in the Far East this week, with the newly elected Japanese prime minister Sanae Takaichi winning a landslide victory after promising to introduce forks.
Patriots’ Offensive Line Surprised To Learn Super Bowl Was Yesterday
SANTA CLARA, CA — A key part of New England’s team experienced deep disappointment this morning, as the Patriots’ offensive line learned that the Super Bowl was yesterday.
Support For ICE Skyrockets To 99% After Halftime Show
SANTA CLARA, CA – Following this year’s Super Bowl halftime show featuring the musical stylings of Bad Bunny, surveys show support for Immigration and Customs Enforcement skyrocketed 99 percent overnight.
NBC Suffers Bizarre Technical Glitch As Entire Halftime Show Broadcast In Spanish
The Babylon Bee To Host Even More Patriotic Halftime Show Where Clarence Thomas Just Stands There And Reads Constitution
U.S. — The Babylon Bee has announced that it will also be hosting an "even more patriotic" alternative halftime show, which will feature Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas standing there while reading the Constitution.