ARLINGTON, VA — Firefighters were called to the scene after several eyewitnesses claimed to have seen President Trump setting fire to a local Tesla dealership this morning.
Babylon Bee
Unearthed Ancient Sculpture Gives Insight Into How Much Ancient People Sucked At Art
MOSUL — A 5,600-year-old sculpture recently uncovered by archeologists has given art critics and researchers great insight into how much ancient people sucked at art.
Willem Dafoe Announces Exciting New Role Where He Will Play Someone Weird
HOLLYWOOD, CA — According to multiple sources, screen actor Willem Dafoe has signed a deal with Paramount Pictures to take on an exciting new role where he plays someone weird.
10 Biggest And Beautifulest Parts Of Trump’s Bill
President Trump’s "Big, Beautiful Bill" is all the talk these days, but few people actually know what’s really in it.
Judge Determines Trump Will Get The Nation On Weekdays, While Musk Gets Every Other Weekend And Holidays
U.S. — As the American people sat back helplessly and watched a once-close relationship fall apart, a judge issued a ruling that President Donald Trump would get the nation on weekdays, while Elon Musk would get it every other weekend and on holidays.
Due To Tariffs On Steel, All New Cars To Be Made With Wood Paneling
DETROIT, MI — Following President Donald Trump’s recent increases in tariffs on imported steel, auto manufacturers across the country announced plans to make all new cars with wood paneling.
Federal Judge Blocks Deportation Of Terrorist’s Family, Orders Jews Lit Back On Fire
BOULDER, CO — Federal Judge Gordon Gallagher issued an emergency ruling blocking the deportation of the terrorist Mohamed Soliman and ordering the Jewish people he burned to be set back on fire.
Worship Pastor Makes Praise Songs More Accessible By Removing All References To ‘God’ And ‘Jesus’
PLACENTIA, CA — In a move lauded by progressive Christians, a local worship pastor revealed that he had made praise songs more accessible by removing all references to God and Jesus.
8 Hacks Girls Can Use To Win Track Meets In California
It’s not easy for girls to win a track meet in California these days, what with dudes now allowed to compete. But there is hope! Here are eight hacks young ladies can use against their male competitors to still come out victorious on the track:
‘Can You Bring Me A Glass Of Water Since You’re Up?’ Wife Asks Sleeping Husband
HARRISBURG, PA — According to sources, local wife and mother Karen Milton asked her sleeping husband to get her a glass of water Tuesday night, adding that she was only asking since he was already up and about,.
Scholars Now Believe Prophet Elijah Was Caught Up Into Heaven In A Fiery 1977 Pontiac Trans Am
OXFORD — According to the distinguished scholars at Oxford University, the story of the prophet Elijah being caught up to Heaven in a fiery chariot may be inaccurate. Instead, it is more plausible that Elijah was transported in a 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am.
Republicans Announce Plan To Keep Doing Opposite Of What Everyone Voted For Them To Do
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans have unveiled plans to continue doing the exact opposite of what everyone voted for them to do.
Democrats Warn Deporting Illegal Terrorist Family Could Be Slippery Slope To Deporting Other Illegal Terrorist Families
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of a growing outcry over Trump’s immigration policy, Democrats warned that deporting an illegal terrorist family could be a slippery slope to deporting other illegal terrorist families.
USS Harvey Milk To Be Renamed ‘USS No Homo’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Navy announced this morning that the USS Harvey Milk will be officially renamed the USS No Homo.
The Lord Strengthens Elon One Last Time To Push Pillars Of Congress Over And Bring Government Crashing Down
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a merciful miracle, the Spirit of the Lord strengthened Elon one last time to push the pillars of Congress over, bringing the government crashing down.
10 Dating Red Flags Women Should Look Out For
The dating scene is tough these days. With everyone using dating apps to meet and hook up, it’s important for women to be careful about the guys they choose.
Man Unable To Lose Weight Considers Adding Second Push-Up To Workout Routine
MILWAUKEE, WI — Frustrated with how slowly he’s been losing weight, 42-year-old Jack Brenson has started considering adding a second push-up to his weekly workout routine.
Hamas Agrees To Surrender If Europe Will Take Greta Thunberg Back
GAZA — The tables were turned on the infamous terrorist organization today, with horrified Hamas agreeing to a full and unconditional surrender to Israel if Europe would agree to take Greta Thunberg back.
Rockies Rewarded For 10th Win With Pizza Party At Chuck E. Cheese
DENVER, CO — Staff at a local Colorado Chuck E. Cheese were recently overrun by a horde of whooping, excited Rockies players eager to celebrate the team’s 10th win.
Adventure Party Wanted For Genociding Local Town’s Endangered Giant Rat Population
FLORINSHIRE — Wanted posters have gone up all over the land calling for the arrest of an adventure party responsible for the genocide of a local village’s endangered giant rat population.
Trump Agrees To End Tariffs On China In Exchange For Their Kung Fu Masters Teaching Him The Death Touch
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions from the ongoing trade war showed signs of potentially easing up, with President Donald Trump agreeing to end tariffs on China in exchange for their Kung Fu masters teaching him the "Death Touch."
10 Out Of 10 Therapists Recommend Rolling Truck Window Down To Let Your Arm Get A Little Sun
U.S. — Welcome news greeted stressed-out Americans today, as results of a new survey indicated that 10 out of 10 therapists recommended rolling your truck window down to let your arm get a little sun.
Hamas Announces They Will Accept Ceasefire On Condition They Can Keep Killing Jews
WORLD — Hamas leadership announced Monday that they would accept a ceasefire agreement with Israel on the condition that they can keep killing Jews.
Republicans Unveil New Plan To Fix National Debt Sometime After The Return Of Christ
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican lawmakers unveiled a bold new plan for the federal budget: to forgo paying down the national debt in favor of waiting for the second coming of Christ and the world to be ended in fire.
10 Really Gay Things You Can Do To Celebrate Pride Month
It’s that time of year again, when the rainbows are flying everywhere you look, and super gay things are happening in more places than just Dodgers games. But what can you do to show your support?
Trump Brings In Chick-Fil-A Manager To Negotiate Peace Between Russia, Ukraine
ISTANBUL — President Trump redoubled his efforts to end the Russo-Ukrainian War by bringing in a Chick-fil-A manager to handle negotiations.
Man Arrested For Casting Shadow On Pride Crosswalk
CHICAGO, IL — In an incident that brought swift condemnation from Democrats across the country, a local man was immediately arrested and charged with a hate crime for casting a shadow on a Pride crosswalk.
Fashion Faux Pas As Two Texans Both Attend Wedding Wearing The Same Gun
FORT WORTH, TX — In a regrettable fashion faux pas, two Texans came to a wedding wearing the same gun.
Colorado Rules Jews Must Bake Cake For Terrorist Who Lit Them On Fire
BOULDER, CO — The controversy surrounding a horrific attack over the weekend continued today, as a Colorado court ruled that Jewish victims must bake a cake for the terrorist who lit them on fire.
Cory Booker Announces Plan To Occupy The Rhineland
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a surprise speech, Senator Cory Booker shared his vision of sending troops to reoccupy the Rhineland, the first step in returning the Third Reich to its former glory.