President Trump completed his annual physical at Walter Reed yesterday, earning a clean bill of health — but with a few surprises along the way. Here are the seven most shocking findings from Trump’s exam:
Babylon Bee
Apple Warns China Tariffs Could Negatively Impact Child Slave Employment Opportunities
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook warned today that heavy tariffs on Chinese imports could have a severe negative effect on employment opportunities for child slaves.
9 Things More Exciting Than Watching Golf
Thousands of people have gathered in Augusta, Georgia, this weekend to watch the Masters Tournament, with millions more set to spend their weekends watching it on television. While few things can match the frenzy and thrill of watching golf, they do exist.
‘Minecraft’ Revealed To Be Psyop To Prepare Kids For Return Of American Coal Mines
U.S. — It was revealed Friday that the popular video game Minecraft is an elaborate PSYOP orchestrated by the CIA to prepare kids for the return of American coal mining.
Get A Load Of This White-Knighting SIMP Saving A Princess From A Dragon
Get a load of this idiot white-knight SIMP trying to save a princess from a dragon. What a beta male!
Texas Bans Sale Of Assault Rifles With Capacity Of Less Than 30 Rounds
AUSTIN, TX — In a landmark move for the state, the Texas legislature overwhelmingly passed a bill to ban the sale of assault rifles that have a capacity of less than 30 rounds.
‘Man, People Are Going To LOVE Reading This One,’ Says Moses While Writing Leviticus
MOUNT SINAI — Hot off the success of Genesis and Exodus, Moses expressed confidence that everyone would love his follow-up work, Leviticus.
Republicans Vow To Get Really Serious About Cutting Spending In Like 20 Or 30 Years
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an inspiring show of commitment to the American people, congressional Republicans pledged to get really serious about cutting government spending in like 20 or 30 years.
China Trade War Update: Trump Classifies Panda Express As Domestic Terror Organization
U.S. — Following dueling tariff increases heading into the weekend, no end to the trade war between China and the United States was in sight, with the latest reports indicating that President Donald Trump had taken the situation up a notch by designating Panda Express as a domestic…
Man Can’t Wait For America To Finally Be Great Again So He Can Stop Wearing Itchy Trucker Hat
TUSTIN, CA — Louis Silverton, a longtime supporter of President Trump, says he can’t wait for America to finally be great again so he can stop wearing this itchy trucker hat.
Protesters Remain Unaffected By Trump’s Shower Head Deregulation
U.S. — According to sources, leftist protesters around the nation remain totally unaffected by President Donald Trump’s deregulation of shower heads.
Israelite King Would Just Once Like Prophets To Say God Is Pleased and Everything Is Dandy
SAMARIA — According to insiders, King Ahab of Israel lamented a recent meeting he had with the prophet Elijah, admitting that just once he would like the prophets to say God is pleased and that everything is fine and dandy.
Local Man Can’t Wait To Get Out There And Suck At Golf Again
LEAWOOD, KS — The warmer spring temperatures sweeping across the nation were met with excitement, as a local man told everyone he saw that he couldn’t wait to get out there and suck at golf again.
Democrats Worried Trump May Not Have China’s Best Interests At Heart
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As public debate intensified over the growing global trade uncertainty, prominent Democrats expressed concern that President Trump may not have China’s best interests at heart.
Man Checks News To See Whether Retirement Account Bankrupt Or Has A Million Dollars
RICHMOND, VA — As part of a new morning routine, local man Reggie Hayes checked the news to see if his retirement account had vanished or whether he was now a millionaire.
White Sox Introduce New Premium Indoor Suites With No Windows So You Don’t Have To Watch The White Sox Play
CHICAGO, IL — Devoted White Sox fans were overjoyed last week to discover that Rate Field had just been fully renovated to include new premium indoor suites with no windows so that you don’t have to watch the White Sox play.
Liberals In Despair As Stock Market Recovers
NEW YORK, NY — Local stockbroker and lifelong Democrat Dean Watter fell into utter despair today, tears falling from his eyes as he watched the stock market recover.
Jasmine Crockett Floats Down Mighty Mississippi To Purchase Fresh Shipment Of Mexican Slaves
NATCHEZ, MS — Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett was seen smoking a corncob pipe and playing a diddy on her banjo as she drifted down the mighty Mississippi River on her way to purchase a fresh shipment of Mexican slaves.
Winnie The Pooh Destitute As Trump Enacts 150% Tariffs On Hundred Acre Wood
HUNDRED ACRE WOOD — Local bear Winnie the Pooh has reportedly been left completely destitute after Trump enacted 150% tariffs on the Hundred Acre Wood earlier this week.
‘How About Genetic Scientists Try Making Young Men Who Aren’t Little Sissy Boys’ – Frank T. Rutherford
Down at the VFW today, the boys were saying that some boneheads used a bunch of test tubes to make an extinct wolf come back to life. As if what we needed in this country was more wolves! These so-called "scientist" bums haven’t done anything good since penicillin.
Trump Bangs Gong Signaling Another Increase In China Tariffs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The global trade war reached a new level this morning, as President Donald Trump banged a giant gong to signal yet another increase in tariffs on goods being imported from China.
John Oliver Says Men Clearly Have No Physical Advantage As Women Beat Him At Everything
NEW YORK CITY — Media personality John Oliver dedicated an entire episode of Last Week Tonight to arguing that men could not possibly have innate physical advantages over women, seeing as how women always beat him at everything.
Is It OK To Date A Girl Who’s Not A Christian As Long As She’s Super Hot?
I know there are Bible verses that say it’s bad to be "unequally yoked" with a non-believer — but what if she is really hot?
Trump Announces HUGE Blowout Sale On Stocks
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the gloomy outlook reported in the media by countless economists and market experts, President Donald Trump put a positive spin on the current financial climate by announcing a huge blowout sale on all stocks.
Here Are The Products Most Affected By Tariffs In Each Country
Trump has imposed tariffs on nearly every country on earth, leading to economic uncertainty and market panic. To ease the burden of these new taxes, countries are raising the retail cost of their exported goods. But not all products are affected equally.
In Yet Another Cruel Blow To China, General Tso’s Chicken To Be Renamed ‘General Don’s Oriental Chicky Nugs’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Global tensions over tariffs continued to rise amid the ongoing trade war, as the White House announced that General Tso’s Chicken would be renamed General Don’s Oriental Chicky Nugs.
Dire Wolves Extinct Again After New Dr. Fauci Experiments
DALLAS, TX — Though the week began with exciting news of a scientific breakthrough in reviving a long-gone species of animal, the brand-new dire wolves were reported to be extinct once again after being used as test subjects in new experiments performed by Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Analysts Clarify That Trump Is Only Responsible For The Stock Market When It Goes Down
U.S. — With investors pleasantly surprised that a crash has thus far been avoided and the market had rebounded in the wake of new trade tariffs, top analysts clarified that President Trump was only responsible for the stock market when it goes down.
Touching: Amy Coney Barrett Adopts MS-13 Gang Member
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett adopted an MS-13 gang member as a show of support for the much maligned community of violent illegal aliens in threat of swift deportation under President Trump.
Man Imposes Tariffs As Wife Racks Up Huge Trade Deficit At Target
PHOENIX, AZ — In a move intended to fix what experts cited as a years-long imbalance, a local man announced that he was imposing tariffs after his wife had racked up a huge trade deficit at Target.