With the dawn of artificial intelligence wives, you may be asking yourself: which is better? Artificial intelligence, or the real thing?
Babylon Bee
Trump Announces He Has Acquired Giant Anime Sword In Japanese Trade Deal
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced the details of a historic trade deal with Japan on Wednesday through which he has finally acquired a giant anime sword.
Uber To Begin Offering Riders Choice Of Woman Driver Or Good Driver
SAN FRANCISCO, CA. — As a new feature to provide a greater level of optimization and representation, ridesharing giant Uber announced that it will begin offering riders a choice of having a woman driver or a good driver.
Slaves Dutifully Sew ‘Pay Us What You Owe Us’ On Shirts For Professional Athletes
XINJIANG, CHINA — Ahead of warm-ups for the 2025 WNBA All-Star Game, Uyghur slaves were seen dutifully sewing the words "Pay Us What You Owe Us" onto hundreds of shirts.
Disheveled Colbert Seen Holding Up Cardboard Sign ‘Will Yell About Trump For Cash’
NEW YORK, NY — Mere days after CBS announced that it would be discontinuing The Late Show, a disheveled Stephen Colbert was seen on a Manhattan street corner holding up a cardboard sign that read "Will yell about Trump for cash."
Trump To Balance Budget By Introducing Swear Jar For Dems
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump unveiled his plan to balance the federal budget by introducing a nation-wide swear jar for the country’s Democrats.
Man Really Excited For Government To Release All The Government Documentation Of All The Government’s Crimes
FRANKLIN, KY — A local man is really excited for the government to release all the government documentation of all the government’s crimes, according to sources.
Sad Day Ruined By Good Weather
JACKSON, WY — According to reports, local man Norman Jensen was dismayed to discover his sad day had been ruined by good weather.
10 Animals We Should Be More Suspicious Of
There are a lot of animals on this planet, but most of them are pretty boring, and it’s fine to ignore them. Other animals, though, seem like they could be up to no good, and we should really keep an eye on them.
Ozzy Clarifies To St. Peter He Was Just Joking About The Whole Satanism Thing
PEARLY GATES — Rock legend Ozzy Osbourne sought to do away with some of the confusion about his life on Earth when arriving at the entrance to Heaven, clarifying to St. Peter that he was just joking about the whole Satanism thing.
10 Most Shocking Revelations From The Newly Released MLK Files
The Trump administration took another step toward greater transparency this week, releasing more than 240,000 pages of previously classified FBI records pertaining to civil rights crusader Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Obama Awarded Nobel Prize For Exemplary Work Planning Russian Collusion Hoax
OSLO, NORWAY — Former U.S. President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize on Tuesday for his efforts in fabricating national intelligence to promote the Russian Collusion Hoax and undermine the presidency of Donald Trump.
In Solidarity With Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel Vows Not To Tell Any Funny Jokes Until ‘Late Show’ Is Reinstated
LOS ANGELES, CA — In solidarity with his friend Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel has vowed not to tell any funny jokes until The Late Show is reinstated.
Grok Waifu Accepts Jesus As Lord And Savior
PALO ALTO, CA — The advancement of the artificial intelligence models created by Elon Musk’s xAI took an unexpected turn today, as the Grok Waifu accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.
Youth Pastors Show Up To Church In ‘Pay Us What You Owe Us’ Shirts
WHITTIER, CA — Members of a local church were caught off guard last weekend after they arrived for Sunday morning service to find a mob of area youth pastors had shown up wearing "Pay Us What You Owe Us" t-shirts.
To Secure Funding For Stadium, Washington Commanders Change Name To ‘Washington Bloodthirsty Injuns’
LANDOVER, MD — As part of a deal for the construction of a new stadium, the Washington Commanders, formerly the Washington Redskins, have agreed to change their name to the Washington Bloodthirsty Injuns.
Hunter Biden Warns That Without Illegal Immigrants, The Price Of Prostitutes And Crack Will Skyrocket
WILMINGTON, DE — As part of a wide-ranging sit-down interview released on YouTube, Hunter Biden warned Americans that, without illegal immigrants, the price of crack cocaine and prostitutes would skyrocket.
Masters University Hall Of Presidents Unveils Animatronic John MacArthur
SANTA CLARITA, CA — Imagineers at Master’s University put the final touches on a lifelike animatronic of Dr. John MacArthur and installed him in the university’s Hall of Presidents early Monday, to much fanfare.
Minneapolis Mayoral Candidate Introduces Plan To Revitalize The City By Hijacking Other Cities And Plundering Their Treasure
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — As part of his revolutionary campaign platform, Minneapolis mayoral candidate Omar Fateh introduced a plan to revitalize the city by hijacking other cities and plundering their treasure.
Obama Argues He Can’t Be Charged With Treason Since He Wasn’t Born In America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blow to hopes from conservatives that the former president would face severe consequences for allegedly overseeing an attempt to deligitimize the Trump presidency, Barack Obama argued that he can’t be charged with treason since he wasn’t born in America and isn’t a legitimate…
Elmo Decries Defunding Of PBS As A Jewish Conspiracy
U.S. — Longtime Sesame Street resident Elmo decried the federal government’s defunding of PBS as an "obvious Jewish conpsiracy."
FASCISM ALERT: Show That Wasn’t Making Money Canceled
NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning example of rampant fascism, a TV network cancelled a show that wasn’t making any money and had terrible ratings.
Media Unconcerned With Circulation To Biden’s Brain Deeply Concerned About Circulation To Trump’s Ankles
U.S. — The news media which remained unconcerned for four years by the lack of circulation to former President Biden’s brain have expressed deep concern over the circulation in President Trump’s ankles.
Ten Ideas For Better Shows To Replace ‘The Late Show’ With Stephen Colbert
After announcing the cancellation of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, CBS is hard at work searching for a better program to replace their old flagship. Here are ten great ideas that would be way better than The Late Show:
Avoid Getting Exposed Cheating On Your Wife With Your HR Chick At A Coldplay Concert With This One Weird Trick
Have you found yourself wondering how you could prevent the shame and horror of having it found out that you’re being unfaithful to your spouse while canoodling with a fellow executive at your company at a public event? One simple trick is all it takes.
Baptists Hold Conclave To Select The Next John MacArthur
NASHVILLE, TN — Following the passing of Pastor John MacArthur, Baptists announced that they would be holding a conclave to select the next John MacArthur.
Republicans Celebrate $9 Billion In Spending Cuts After Passing Bill That Adds $3 Trillion To National Debt
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans were publicly congratulating themselves this week, celebrating $9 billion in spending cuts shortly after passing a bill that will add $3 trillion to the national debt.
David And Bathsheba Caught On Kiss Cam At Concert
JERUSALEM — According to palace sources, an egregious sin committed by King David and Bathsheba was exposed to the public after they were caught on a kiss cam at Levite concert.
Winning: DOJ Announces They Have Arrested Man Responsible For Creating Microsoft OneDrive
U.S. — In an afternoon press conference, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi proudly announced that the man responsible for Microsoft OneDrive had been arrested, ending an almost 20-year-long reign of terror that affected millions.
WSJ Reveals Trump Once Wrote ‘BOOBS’ On A Calculator And Showed It To Epstein
U.S. — In a shocking exposé that threatened to topple the presidential administration, the Wall Street Journal revealed that Donald Trump once wrote "BOOBS" on a calculator and showed it to Jeffrey Epstein.