WASHINGTON, D.C. — Global tensions over tariffs continued to rise amid the ongoing trade war, as the White House announced that General Tso’s Chicken would be renamed General Don’s Oriental Chicky Nugs.
Babylon Bee
Dire Wolves Extinct Again After New Dr. Fauci Experiments
DALLAS, TX — Though the week began with exciting news of a scientific breakthrough in reviving a long-gone species of animal, the brand-new dire wolves were reported to be extinct once again after being used as test subjects in new experiments performed by Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Analysts Clarify That Trump Is Only Responsible For The Stock Market When It Goes Down
U.S. — With investors pleasantly surprised that a crash has thus far been avoided and the market had rebounded in the wake of new trade tariffs, top analysts clarified that President Trump was only responsible for the stock market when it goes down.
Touching: Amy Coney Barrett Adopts MS-13 Gang Member
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett adopted an MS-13 gang member as a show of support for the much maligned community of violent illegal aliens in threat of swift deportation under President Trump.
Man Imposes Tariffs As Wife Racks Up Huge Trade Deficit At Target
PHOENIX, AZ — In a move intended to fix what experts cited as a years-long imbalance, a local man announced that he was imposing tariffs after his wife had racked up a huge trade deficit at Target.
Get A Look At These HORRIFYING Pictures Of What Happens When You Don’t Have An Abortion
The abortion debate remains an ever-present hot topic across the United States, with advocates often pointing to the potentially dangerous consequences people could face when choosing not to abort babies.
You May Be Excited About The Switch 2, But Have You Considered Making The ‘Switch 2 Following Jesus’? – Op-Ed By Chet Skatington
Fam, let’s get real. You may be excited about Switch 2, but have you considered making the "Switch 2" Jesus?
Bad Sign: Trump Gives Speech On Strength Of Economy While Wearing A Barrel For Clothes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump addressed concerns about the stock market Monday, ensuring the American people that the economy was stronger than ever while wearing a barrel for clothes.
Awkward: Kid’s Parents Walk In While He’s At Great Fairy Fountain In ‘Ocarina Of Time’
SEATLE, WA — The parents of local kid Liam Larper were in for a bit of a surprise this week when they walked in on their son visiting a Great Fairy Fountain in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
Protesters Demand Government Waste
U.S. — Millions of people took to the streets over the weekend to demand more, not less, government waste.
Trump Shows Support For LGBTQ Community By Hosting Dodgers At White House
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move political analysts say was an olive branch to the LGBTQ community, President Donald Trump hosted the Los Angeles Dodgers at the White House.
China Retaliates Against Tariffs By Putting Worse Fortunes Into Cookies
BEIJING — As part of an escalating global trade war, the Chinese government announced plans to retaliate against President Donald Trump’s tariffs by putting worse fortunes into their cookies.
Worship Team Drummer Makes Up For Lack Of Skill With Abundance Of Volme
BOULDER, CO — Local church drummer Sam Huddleston continues to make up for his stark lack of talent by playing with an incredible excess of volume.
Financial Advisor Announces It’s Time To Panic, Urges Clients To Make Hasty, Emotional Decisions
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Local financial advisor Rick Rosas announced that now was the time for utter panic and urged his clients to hastily make huge money moves based on pure emotion.
WNBA Legend Retires With Six Career Points
WASHINGTON, D.C. — WNBA legend Elena Delle Donne announced her retirement yesterday, the former MVP leaving after a decade-long career which saw her score six points.
Teen Wondering When Parents Will Grow Out Of Awkward Stage
MEMPHIS, TN — Local teenager Kayleigh Taylor has begun to wonder when her parents will finally grow out of the awkward stage they’re in.