OMAHA, NE — After wrapping up this morning’s sermon, local Pastor Scott Denison headed to the booth as he anxiously awaited his scores from the judges.
Babylon Bee
Pit Bull Wins Westminster Dog Show After Killing All The Other Contestants
NEW YORK CITY — A new champion has been crowned in the Westminster Dog Show, with a pit bull named "Slayer" winning by default after killing all of the other contestants.
8 Things To Double-Check Before Posting A Video To The President’s Social Media Account
Posting social media content for the President of the United States comes with tremendous responsibility, so it’s critical to give posts a once-over before sending them out to the masses. Here are eight things you should always double-check before posting a video on the President’s account:
Sad: With Washington Post Cutbacks, No One Keeping Track Of How Racist The Birds Are Getting
U.S. — In a deep loss for the nation, the mass layoffs at The Washington Post have left no one to monitor how racist birds are becoming.
Impressed By Their Setting Up Checkpoints To Demand Papers, Trump Hires Protesters To Join Border Patrol
U.S. — After watching several videos of anti-ICE protesters viciously hunting people down to check their papers, an impressed President Trump announced he will immediately hire the protesters to join Border Patrol.
7 Least-Gay Winter Olympics Events
While the Summer Olympics are often lauded for their impressive displays of elite athletic prowess, the Winter Olympics are often (rightfully or wrongfully) seen as the "gay" version of the Olympic Games. Upon investigation, however, there may be a few not-quite-as-gay events.
Hunter Biden Launches HunterRx From Back Of Van
MALIBU, CA — In direct competition with President Trump’s new TrumpRx website, Hunter Biden announced the launch of HunterRx, a brand new low-price pharmacy he runs out of the back of his van.
Democrats Push For Death Certificates To Be Accepted As Voter ID
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Trump and Republicans campaigning hard to shore up election integrity in the U.S., congressional Democrats agreed to negotiate on the issue on the condition that death certificates be added to the list of acceptable forms of voter ID.
Researchers Confirm That During Childbirth, Women Feel Almost The Same Amount Of Pain A Man Feels When He’s Stuck Walking Behind A Slow Person
U.S. — A study conducted by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) appeared to demonstrate that women experiencing childbirth feel almost the same amount of pain a man feels when he’s stuck walking behind a really slow people.
New Study Reveals Videos Of Police Arresting Protesters Are Very, Very Funny
U.S. — Shattering all preconceived notions on the efficacy of public protests, a new study revealed that video footage of police arresting protesters is very, very funny.