NEW YORK, NY — As part of his campaign platform in his attempt to become the next mayor of New York City, Zohran Mamdani pledged that he would build a wall separating East New York from West New York.
Babylon Bee
Illegal Immigrants Removed From Census, Leaving California With Population Of 12
U.S. — Population numbers have shifted drastically in light of new changes to the census program, which remove illegal immigrants from official population numbers. As a result, California, once the most populous state in the country, now has a total population of just 12 people.
Jesus Delights Crowd By Miraculously Turning Oatmeal Raisin Cookies Into Chocolate Chip
BETHSAIDA — The amazing reputation built by a Galilean carpenter-turned-traveling rabbi grew even more impressive this week, as Jesus of Nazareth miraculously turned a plate of disgusting oatmeal raisin cookies into chocolate chip.
Man Spends Six Years Digging Tunnel From Church Parking Lot To Sanctuary So He Can Avoid Greeters
PHOENIX, AZ — Deacons reportedly uncovered an elaborate tunnel running underneath a local church property Monday. They believe it was the work of one man who really hates interacting with church greeters.
Thomas Massie Unveils Small, Ugly Budget Bill With A Great Personality
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest move to fight against the looming passage of President Donald Trump’s "Big Beautiful Bill," Congressman Thomas Massie unveiled his very own "Small, Ugly Budget Bill with a Great Personality."
Elon Sends Optimus Robot Back In Time To Terminate ‘Big Beautiful Bill’
AUSTIN, TX — Tension between President Donald Trump his wealthiest and most well-known supporter reached a new level today, as Elon Musk sent a Tesla Optimus robot back in time to terminate Trump’s "Big Beautiful Bill."
Ford Debuts World’s First Autonomous Car To Leave Factory And Drive Straight To Shop For Repairs
DEARBORN, MI — The Ford Motor Company made history once again with its recent debut of the world’s first autonomous car to leave the factory and drive straight to the shop for repairs.
CNN Reports Viewership ‘Largely Intact’
ATLANTA, GA — CNN is reporting that in spite of several ruthless attacks by the Trump administration, its audience is still largely intact.
Man In Search Of New Church After Finding Out His Pastor Likes The Disney Star Wars Movies
BATON ROUGE, LA — Sources close to Gene Vickers say that the 34-year-old is now searching for a new church after finding out that his pastor likes the Disney Star Wars movies last Sunday.
Mamdani Clarifies He Is Not A Communist, He Merely Wants To Seize The Means Of Production And Put All The Capitalists In Gulags
NEW YORK, NY — In response to growing questions about his political leanings, New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani issued a statement to clarify that he is not a communist, but only wants the government ot seize the means of production, abolish private property ownership, and put…