We at the Babylon Bee have seen the rage and consternation caused by some of our jokes this week. In order to help everyone take a deep breath and relax, we are simply posting this picture of a bagel that no one could possibly argue about.
Babylon Bee
4D Chess: Trump Announces He Will Begin Deporting One Illegal For Every Run The Dodgers Score
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the Los Angeles Dodgers actively opposing the deportation of illegal immigrants, President Trump announced today that he will begin deporting one illegal for every run the Dodgers score.
Guy Who Can’t Settle Dispute Between His Toddlers Pretty Sure He Has This Israel-Iran Thing Solved
GRANDVIEW, MO — A local father who spent the entire day failing to settle a dispute between his toddlers later expressed supreme confidence on social media that he had the entire Israel-Iran conflict solved.
Tired Man Drinks Coffee So He Can Feel Both Tired And Irritable
GREEN BAY, WI — In preparation for an early work day, local man David Miles drank a cup of coffee so that, in addition to feeling tired, he could also be irritable.
Man Very Particular About Which Version Of The Bible He Buys And Doesn’t Read
PRINCETON, NJ — Sources close to Jason Newman reported that the 46-year-old had become increasingly picky over which version of the Bible he would buy and not read.
Dodgers Announce MS-13 Bobblehead Night
LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles Dodgers were hoping to attract large crowds at tonight’s game against the Washington Nationals by offering a limited edition MS-13 bobblehead to commemorate the recent L.A. anti-ICE riots.
Democrats Outraged After Court Rules Commander In Chief Of Armed Forces Can Command Armed Forces
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats were outraged by an appeals court ruling that permitted the Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces to command the armed forces.
Iran Clarifies Its New ‘Jew Smasher 3000’ Missile Is Meant Only For Peace
TEHRAN — The Islamic Republic of Iran addressed concerns over the recent acquisition of a brand new ballistic missile called the "Jew Smasher 3000" with a spokesman for the regime insisting that the missile is intended to be used for only peaceful purposes.
Texan Republicans Tip Off State Department That Austin Has Nuclear Weapons
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources within the Trump administration, Texas Republicans tipped off the State Department about the city of Austin being in possession of nuclear weapons.
Democrats Announce They Will Celebrate Juneteenth By Giving Their Slaves An Extra 5-Minute Break
U.S. — Democrats across the country announced that they would be celebrating the Juneteenth holiday by giving their slaves an extra 5-minute break during the day.