SANTA CLARA, CA — The NFL confirmed that this year’s Super Bowl, which normally starts at 6:30 Eastern, will be delayed until 11:30 PM to give everyone time to sing a separate national anthem for America’s 165 different racial groups.
Babylon Bee
Journalists Shocked To Be Laid Off From Obsolete Media Outlet That Loses $100 Million Annually
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over 300 "journalists" were reportedly caught totally off guard this week when an obsolete media outlet that loses in excess of $100 million annually was forced to let them go.
Winter Olympics To Protest Trump’s Immigration Policies By Removing Ice From Skating Rinks
MILAN — The most prestigious athletic event on the world stage issued a clear political statement this week, as the Winter Olympics announced it would be protesting U.S. President Donald Trump’s immigration policies by removing all ice from the skating rinks.
The Fresh Fruit You Bought Is Finally Ripe — UPDATE: Too Late, It’s Rotten
TUSCON, AZ — Local mom Ashley Marsten announced that she was glad to see the fruit she bought at the store earlier this week was finally ripe and ready to eat, and… oh wait… it’s rotten.
Man Worried He May Go His Entire Life Without Mastering The Ancient Art Of Nunchaku
LITTLE ROCK, AK — As Darren Phillips pulled himself out of bed on Thursday morning, it became apparent to him that there was a growing chance that he could go his whole life without ever mastering the ancient art of the nunchaku.
Frank From Accounting In Epstein Files For Some Reason
DUBUQUE, IA — Employees at Midwest Windows Inc. were reportedly uncomfortable to learn that Frank from accounting was mentioned in the Epstein files for some reason.
To Make Games Fair, MLB Will Now Have Managers Line Everyone Up And Pick Teams Before Each Game
NEW YORK, NY. — As teams and fans alike gear up for the start of a new baseball season, to make games more fair, Major League Baseball will now have managers line everyone up and pick teams before each game.
Missionary on Hour Twelve of Trying to Get ChatGPT Saved
KISSIMMEE, FL — Sources close to missionary Keith Johnson reported that he had entered his twelfth hour of doing the Lord’s work and trying to convert ChatGPT to Christianity.
Politicians Hoping National Prayer Breakfast Wraps Up In Time For Coke Orgy Lunch
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As lawmakers and other notable figures gathered once again for the annual solemn occasion to petition the Almighty God on behalf of the country, politicians were reportedly hoping that the National Prayer Breakfast would wrap up in time for them to make it to the…
10 Ways To Come Out As A Conservative To Your Liberal Parents
Our current society can have trouble showing acceptance — especially to conservatives. If you’re a young conservative who has kept your political views a secret from your family, knowing how to tell your parents can be difficult.