U.S. — CNN took time out of its broadcast today to mark the one-year anniversary of the time President Trump fell over at a rally after some loud popping noises.
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Study Confirms It’s All Steve’s Fault
COLUMBUS, OH — Researchers at The Ohio State University have concluded a decades-long study that confirms once and for all that it really is all Steve’s fault.
Christians Decide To Put Aside Their Petty Differences And Unite For The Gospel (Haha Just Kidding We’re Fighting Each Other Online)
WORLD — Christians across the globe have decided to put aside their petty differences and unite for the greater purpose of sharing the Gospel of Jesus with the world. Just joshing! They’re actually fighting each other online.
Iran Posts Image Showcasing Its Clean, Peaceful Nuclear Energy Program
TEHRAN – The Iranian government posted an image to social media this afternoon to showcase its clean, peaceful nuclear program.
8 Ingenious New Life Hacks Discovered By Gen Z
Generation Z is hitting the work force, and these young whipper snappers have uncovered some of the most brilliant life hacks you can imagine. Here are eight of their most ingenious discoveries:
Chip & Joanna Gaines Introduce New Line Of Pride-Themed Shiplap
WACO, TX — Famed HGTV stars Chip and Joanna Gaines announced today that their "Magnolia" company would be introducing a line of rainbow shiplap.
Scientist At 7th Jurassic Park Asks If Maybe They Should Just Make Papier-Mâché Dinosaurs This Time
JURASSIC PARK — A scientist working on the seventh iteration of Jurassic Park asked his bosses today if perhaps they should consider making the dinosaurs out of papier-mâché this time.
Progress: A.I. Now Only Racist Against Italians
SUNNYVALE, CA — In a clear sign of progress, developers confirmed that A.I. was now only racist against Italians.
Malfunction As Animatronic Trump Keeps Rounding Up All The Mexican Guests And Deporting Them From Disney World
ORLANDO, FL — What began as a normal day at the Magic Kingdom descended into a near-riot atmosphere, as — due to a malfunction — The Hall of Presidents’ animatronic Donald Trump kept rounding up all of the Mexican guests and attempting to deport them from Disney World.
Dumbledore Starting To Wonder If Having A House Filled With Racist Murderers Named After Snakes Such A Good Idea
HOGWARTS — Headmaster Albus Dumbledore admitted he was beginning to question the sensibility of having an entire house of students named after an evil snake that’s dedicated to perpetuating racist ideas and destroying Hogwarts.
Life’s Struggles Causing Atheist To Lose His Faith In The Existence Of Nothing
BOSTON, MA — Local atheist and president of The Enlightened Rationalist Guild of Supreme Cognition (ERGSC) Steve Wimbly admitted to several close friends that recent struggles had shaken his faith in the existence of nothing.
MTG Press Conference On Cloud Seeding Interrupted By Tornado
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chaos ensued outside the U.S. Capitol yesterday, as Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s press conference on cloud seeding was suddenly interrupted by a massive tornado.
Gavin Newsom Declares California A Sanctuary State For Child Slavery
SACRAMENTO, CA — In the latest front on his war against the Trump administration’s immigration policies, Governor Gavin Newsom officially declared California a sanctuary state for child slavery.
Pam Bondi Confirms Greedo Shot First
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an extensive investigation, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference to announce that the Department of Justice had officially confirmed that Greedo shot first.
New White Sox City Connect Jerseys Feature Bullet Holes, Realistic Blood Splatter
CHICAGO, IL — White Sox fans were going wild for their team’s brand-new Citty Connect Jerseys, which vividly reflect life in Chi-Town with realistic bullet holes and blood splatters.
9 Exciting New Inclusive Barbies
With Mattel’s introduction of a Barbie doll with Type 1 diabetes, the toy industry was abuzz with rumors of other inclusive Barbie dolls that could be on the way.
Jesus’s Defense Lawyer Facepalms As Client Says ‘Yes, I Am The Messiah, And You Will See The Son Of Man Sitting At The Right Hand Of The Mighty One And Coming On The Clouds Of Heaven.’
JERUSALEM — A Galilean teacher arrested just outside the city during the night reportedly frustrated his court-appointed public defense lawyer during a Sanhedrin trial, after he stood before Caiaphas and proclaimed: "Yes, I am the Messiah, and you will see the son of man sitting at the right…
New WNBA Video Game Adds Option To Shiv Caitlin Clark
U.S. — In a feature that fans praised for bringing a new level of realism to the playing experience, developers of the WNBA mode for the new NBA 2K26 added an option to shiv Caitlin Clark.
Disaster: Liberal Goes Back In Time To Kill Hitler But Now Has No One To Compare People He Disagrees With To
GENEVA — History was unmade this week after a time traveler went back in time to kill Adolf Hitler to prevent World War II and the extermination of six million Jews. However, in a cruel twist of fate, he now had no one to compare people he disagrees…
Republicans Unveil Debt Plan: Transfer Balance To Capital One Credit Card With 0% Intro APR
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that experts said could finally resolve the deficit crisis once and for all, congressional Republicans unveiled a new debt plan to transfer the balance to a Capital One credit card with a 0% intro APR.
Former White House Doctor Denies Ever Knowing A “Joe Biden”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Physician Dr. Kevin O’Connor, who served from 2020-2024, testified this morning that he has never known any person by the name of "Joe Biden."
Gone Woke: New Jurassic Park Movie Has A Woman In It
U.S. — In just the latest example of the woke virus takeover, the newest installment of the Jurassic Park franchise will reportedly have a woman in it.
After TSA Policy Change, Production Finally Resumes At Crazy Mohammed’s Shoe Bomb Factory
DAMASCUS — Following the announcement by the Transportation Security Administration that the policy requiring airline passengers to remove their footwear at airport checkpoints was being lifted, news broke that production had finally resumed at Crazy Mohammed’s Shoe Bomb Factory.
Mattel Introduces New ‘Ozempic Barbie’ With Syringe And Detachable Belly
U.S. — Toy maker Mattel has unveiled the latest in its Barbie lineup, the all-new "Ozempic Barbie" that comes with real syringes and a detachable belly for when the initially-chubby Barbie sheds that weight.
Ilhan Omar Announces Engagement To Grok
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Ilhan Omar announced this morning that she is officially engaged to the artificial intelligence system known as Grok.
Man’s Faith In God Shaken After Prayer For Lightsaber Goes Unanswered
HUNTSVILLE, AL — Local man Brad Sharp had his faith in God shaken to its core after his prayer for a real, functioning lightsaber went unanswered.
TSA Announces Passengers No Longer Have To Remove Their Shoes Before Being Fondled
SPRINGFIELD, VA — The Transport Security Agency has officially announced that passengers will no longer have to remove their shoes before being publicly fondled.
7 Totally Plausible Explanations For What Happened To The Epstein List On Pam Bondi’s Desk
Attorney General Pam Bondi is in hot water today after the Epstein list that was "on her desk" a few months ago somehow went missing. Before you start attacking Bondi though, consider these seven totally reasonable explanations for what might have happened:
‘There Is No Epstein Client List,’ Say Epstein’s Clients
WORLD — Concerned citizens of nations around the world breathed a collective sigh of relief this week, as the individuals who comprised Jeffrey Epstein’s client list assured everyone that there was no Epstein client list.
Pastor Gently Informs Worship Leader That The ‘Thunderstruck’ Riff Is Not An Appropriate Intro For ‘Great Is Thy Faithfulness’
COLUMBUS, OH — Pastor Weyland Benjamins of Mt. Olivet Baptist Church was forced to gently reprimand the church’s worship leader yesterday by informing him that the "Thunderstruck" riff is not an appropriate intro to "Great Is Thy Faithfulness."