WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi explained today that she was really going to release all of the Epstein files, but some pedophiles asked her to please not.
Babylon Bee
James Gunn Releases Film About The Importance Of Accepting Morally Upstanding, White Immigrants Who Speak Perfect English
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an unexpected twist for the Hollywood movie industry, director James Gunn proudly released a film about the importance of accepting morally upstanding white immigrants who speak perfect English.
Man Wants However Many Deportations Are Needed For Him To No Longer Have To Press 1 For English
MILWAUKEE, WI — Sources close to local man Jackson Trent say he just wants however many deportations are needed for him to no longer have to push 1 for English.
Serial Killer Out Of Job As Local Planned Parenthood Closes
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The effects of the Trump administration’s sweeping reforms in government funding have trickled down to different industries, as a serial killer found himself out of a job after a local Planned Parenthood was forced to close its doors.
Furious Newsom Says He Won’t Stand Silently By While Trump Fixes California
SACRAMENTO, CA — As the federal government takes steps to attempt to solve a myriad of problems facing the Golden State, a furious Governor Gavin Newsom told reporters he won’t stand silently by while Trump fixes California.
11 Celebs Who Have Joined Elon’s America Party
A new chapter in history was written last week, as Elon Musk formed the America Party as a foil to the Republican-Democratic "uniparty" system. Some of the big names who have already jumped on board may surprise you.
Ads Briefly Interrupted By Mobile Game
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local man Gary Nielson was having a great time on his phone, until the ads he was watching were briefly yet rudely interrupted by the mobile game "Tetris Blast."
Man’s Christian Love For Humanity Shattered By Trip To The Airport
CHICAGO, IL — The world around a local man seemed to grow even colder and dimmer as he expressed feeling that his Christian love for humanity had been shattered after he took a trip to the airport.
Biblical Prophecy Fulfilled? Chick-Fil-A Opens New Temple Mount Location
JERUSALEM — In a possible fulfillment of Biblical prophecy, Chick-fil-A has just opened a new location on the Temple Mount.
Pam Bondi Confirms Ark Of The Covenant Sitting On Her Desk Waiting To Be Reviewed
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the world waited with bated breath to learn about the contents of the ancient biblical artifact, U.S. Attorney General Pam Pondi made an official statement confirming that the Ark of the Covenant was sitting on her desk waiting to be reviewed.
Disney World Installs Animatronic District Judge To Block Animatronic Trump
ORLANDO, FL — Disney World’s Hall of Presidents was updated over the weekend to include a new animatronic district judge to block all actions by its animatronic President Trump.
Iranian President Worried This Tucker Guy Might Be A Little Extreme
TEHRAN — Sources close to the regime reported that Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian expressed worry during his highly publicized X interview that this Tucker Carlson guy might be a little extreme.
‘That’s Neat Buddy,’ Says Dad Understanding Nothing Of What His Kid Just Told Him About Roblox
Local dad Sam Moore offered his son several vague affirmations this morning, understanding absolutely nothing of what he was being told about Roblox.
Nation Wondering If Government Gonna Bankrupt Us Anyway If Maybe They Could Buy Us All A Switch 2
U.S. — Citizens have begun wondering if the federal government couldn’t just buy everyone a Switch 2 if it’s already intent on bankrupting us anyways.
Thyroid Sick Of Getting Blamed For All Of Woman’s Character Flaws
FRITCH, TX — Local woman Denise Stanton’s thyroid gland has gotten increasingly fed up with getting blamed for all of her shortcomings.
Archaeologists Discover King Saul’s Ouija Board
JERICHO — Another fascinating piece of the biblical history puzzle fell into place this week, as archaeologists announced the discovery of what is believed to be the Ouija board used by King Saul.
Sorry Excuse For American Hasn’t Blown Off Single Finger With Fireworks
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — As people across the nation prepared to celebrate the 4th of July holiday, one sorry excuse for an American revealed he had yet to blow off a single finger with fireworks.
Planned Parenthood Warns Funding Cut Will Result In Birth Of Thousands Of Babies
U.S. — Following the passing of President Donald Trump’s historic "Big Beautiful Bill" to set the government’s spending budget, Planned Parenthood warned that the massive funding cut would result in the birth of thousands of babies.
10 Exciting Changes Disney Is Bringing To The Indiana Jones Reboot
According to rumors, Disney and Lucasfilm are looking at rebooting the beloved Indiana Jones film series sans Harrison Ford, leading fans to speculate what dramatic changes are in store for everyone’s favorite archaeologist. The Babylon Bee is here with all the details.
Wail Of Agony Heard From Satan’s Office As Planned Parenthood Defunded
HELL — A wailing, screeching sound was heard from the Devil’s office today following the defunding of Planned Parenthood by the United States Government.
LOOOOL Check Out This So-Called ‘MAN’ Who’s Doing CARDIO (A Type Of Exercise For GIRLS)
Yo, get a load of this guy!
Millions Reported Dead As ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ Passes
Continental Congress Reluctantly Agrees To Trim Down Name Of ‘Big Beautiful Declaration Of Independence’
PHILADELPHIA — After a tense round of voting, the Continental Congress passed a resolution to shorten the title of the Big Beautiful Declaration of Independence to simply Declaration of Independence.
Cold-Hearted Leftists Demand Immigrants Stay In Evil, Oppressive United States
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sickening display of cold-heartedness, American leftists are demanding that immigrants stay in the evil, oppressive regime of the United States.
Breaking: Chicago Man Not Shot
CHICAGO — Chicago native Matthew Hayes reportedly defied all odds this week by not being shot.
Journalist Up Late Trying To Decide Whether To Compare Trump’s Bill To Jim Crow Or Holocaust
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A local journalist stayed up late into the night trying to settle on the right way to report on Trump’s "Big, Beautiful Bill." He is currently torn on whether to compare the bill to Jim Crow or the Holocaust.
Red Lobster Introduces Exciting New Menu Item ‘Box Of Things We Found At The Beach’
ORLANDO — For a limited time, Red Lobster’s menu will be updated to include a "Box of Things We Found at the Beach."
Report: Trump Bill Will Cause 175 Billion People To Lose Medicaid And Die
U.S. — An alarming report from the Foundation for Communal Socialistic Equity has confirmed that Trump’s signature "Big Beautiful Bill" will cause 175 billion people to lose their Medicaid and die horrible deaths.
Check It Out: 10 More States Announce Fun Migrant Prisons
Check out what’s coming above! Any others you’d like to see? Let us know in the comments below.
How 9 Politicians Are Celebrating This 4th Of July
It’s birthday time once again for the greatest nation on earth: America. Everybody likes to celebrate ‘Murica a little differently – here are how nine famous politicians are planning to mark the 4th of July this year: