PROVO, UT — A local member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Brigham Smith, reportedly faked his own death in hopes of getting someone to bring him a pan of delicious Mormon Funeral Potatoes.
Babylon Bee
Biden Family Worried They May Be Running Out Of Time To Exploit Joe
GREENVILLE, DE — Following the recent announcement of Joe Biden’s stage 4 prostate cancer diagnosis, sources reported that Biden family members had grown increasingly worried that they were running out of time to exploit the former president.
New Streaming Service For Church Of Christ Members Filters Out All Musical Instruments
MERIDIAN, MI — A new streaming service designed for the more conservative and legalistic members of the Churches of Christ was announced Wednesday that would use artificial intelligence to digitally remove musical instruments from popular movies and TV shows.
Democrats Considering New Strategy Of Complaining Loudly Every Day About Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Embattled after a difficult first several months of 2025, Democrats were reported to be considering a brilliant new strategy of complaining loudly every day about President Donald Trump.
11 Statements That Are Not Protected By The First Amendment
The First Amendment protects most forms of speech. But did you know that there are certain things even the Constitution does not allow? It’s true. Here are 11 statements that can get you in trouble with the law:
Trump Forces South African President To Watch Entirety Of ‘Home Alone 2’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House aides were reportedly caught off guard today as President Donald Trump abruptly dimmed the lights in the Oval Office and forced the visiting South African president to watch the entirety of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
Get A Load Of This FAILURE Of A Baseball Player Who Couldn’t Hit The Ball Almost 70% Of The Time
If you’re having trouble feeling confident about your abilities, do yourself a favor and check out this total loser who completely failed at his job 7 out of every 10 times he tried to do it. Talk about the perfect example of ineptitude and incompetence.
Congress Split Between Those Who Want To Spend A Ridiculous Amount And Those Who Want To Spend An Even More Ridiculous Amount
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As debate continued over President Donald Trump’s "big, beautiful bill," the United States Congress was said to be split between those who want to spend a ridiculous amount of money and those who want to spend an even more ridiculous amount of money.
Oops: Pastor Accidentally Includes ChatGPT Prompts From When He Asked It To Write His Sermon
IRVINE, CA — Local Associate Pastor Mark Sullivan took a leave of absence following a disastrous Sunday service in which he presented a message that mistakenly included his prompts to ChatGPT asking it to write his sermon for him.
FBI Determines Abraham Lincoln Killed Himself
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite 160 years of overwhelming evidence that pointed to foul play in the first assassination of an American president, the leaders of the Federal Bureau of Investigation revealed that they had now determined that Abraham Lincoln killed himself.
No Tax On Tips Passes Senate Unanimously After Clarification That Bribes Can Count As Tips
WASHINGTON, D.C. — IN a rare display of full bipartisan support, President Donald Trump’s "No Tax On Tips" bill passed through the Senate unanimously after legislators received clarification that bribes can count as tips.
Which Apostle Are You? Take The Quiz!
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Nancy Mace Says She’ll Release As Much Naked Footage Of Herself As It Takes To Fight Exploitation Of Women
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a daring act of resistance, Rep. Nancy Mace has recently announced that she will release as much naked footage of herself as it takes to fight the exploitation of women.
If There’s A Good And Loving God, Why Did He Make Me So Annoying? – Op-Ed By Atheist
Okay, Christians, if your god is "so loving," then why would he create someone as annoying as me? I bet you can’t answer that question.
Man Thanks God He Is Not Like These Sorry Churchgoers All Around Him Who Can’t Sing A Harmony
OMAHA, NE — Sources close to Peter Wilfred report that the 30-year-old got down on his knees last Sunday to thank God that he wasn’t like all the sorry churchgoers around him who can’t sing a harmony.
Chicago Mayor Insists He Has Never Discriminated Against White-Boy Honky Crackers
CHICAGO, IL — Following a deluge of allegations of racist hiring practices to fill city official jobs, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson issued a statement insisting that he had never once discriminated against white-boy honky crackers.
10 Jobs That Are Totally Safe From Being Replaced By A.I.
As artificial intelligence continues to evolve at a rapid rate, many people have found themselves wondering how far it will go and how many human beings will lose their jobs to the machines.
Donald Trump Declares War On Mexico After Attack On Brooklyn Bridge
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just days after a catastrophic incident involving a sailing vessel belonging to the Mexican navy, President Donald Trump held a press conference to declare war on Mexico for its flagrant attack on the Brooklyn Bridge.
Caitlin Clark Indicted For Murder After Fouling Angel Reese
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — What had been hailed as a potentially Hall of Fame career was cut short at the start of just its second season, as WNBA superstar Caitlin Clark was indicted for murder after fouling Angel Reese.
Experts Say AI Unlikely To Replace Government Bureaucrats As It’s Not Soulless Enough
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a welcome bit of good news for government bureaucrats hiding out from DOGE, experts have determined that AI is unlikely to replace their jobs any time soon, as it’s not soulless enough.
Alarming: Thanks To Public School Funding Cuts, This Five-Year-Old Student Doesn’t Know All The Variant Sexual Lusts Adults Can Have
ANAHEIM, CA — The effects of cutbacks to public school funding for teaching children about the myriad types of gross deviants there are in the world began to be felt this week, as one five-year-old student was found not to know all the variant sexual lusts adults can…
Karine Jean-Pierre Insists Joe Biden Is Cancer-Free
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the shocking announcement that he was suffering from stage 4 prostate cancer, former White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre insisted that Joe Biden was 100% cancer-free.
Far-Right Christian Extremists Pray For Joe Biden
DOVER, DE — In a horrifying display of what could be growing Christian Nationalism, a group of far-right Christian extremists gathered earlier today to pray for former President Joseph Biden.
Guy Who Invented Dip & Squeeze Ketchup Packaging Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
OSLO — The world-altering genius of one man was unanimously recognized on the global stage this week with the highest and most prestigious honor possible, as the guy who invented "Dip & Squeeze" ketchup packaging was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
Family Shopping For A New Church After Finding Out Their Current Church Has Sinners In It
SAN FERNANDO, CA — The Gomez family is back on the market for a new church after learning their home church was full of sinners.
New Evidence Suggests Noah’s Wife Was Steering The Ark When It Hit Mount Ararat
WORLD — Leading theologians have uncovered new evidence that when Noah’s ark hit Mount Ararat, his wife was likely steering.
9 Lesser-Known Healing Miracles In the Bible
The Bible is full of fantastic accounts of healing miracles where people were instantly cured of leprosy, blindness, and even being lame. But there are even more Biblical healings you may not have heard of.
New Subscription Service Sends Dads A New Pair Of Cargo Pants Every 9 Years
U.S. — A hot new clothing subscription service continued to build buzz, gaining popularity among men across the country, claiming to service all of men’s clothing needs by sending them a single pair of new cargo pants every 9 years.
Ghost Of Pete Rose Bets On Hall Of Fame Induction
COOPERSTOWN, NY — In a shocking new report, a team of amateur ghost hunters working near the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum caught the ghost of Pete Rose placing bets on his Hall of Fame induction.
Study: Nobody Thinks They’re Stupid, But Many Are
U.S. — A newly released Harvard study on human intelligence has provided conclusive evidence that while nobody thinks they’re stupid, many are.