U.S. — The Subway sandwich franchise has excitedly announced its newest spokesman, Sean "Diddy" Combs.
Babylon Bee
Op-Ed: The Problem With Kids These Days Is Not Enough Of Them Smoke Cigarettes
Kids these days are a bunch of weenies, and it all starts with not enough of them smoking cigarettes.
Sad: Great White Shark Stripped Of UPenn Women’s Swimming Title
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After years of outrage, a Pennsylvanian Great White shark was stripped this morning of its University of Pennsylvania Women’s Swimming titles by school officials.
UPenn Announces Matt Walsh As New Women’s Swim Coach
PHILADELPHIA — In addition to stripping transgender swimmer Lia Thomas of his titles the University of Pennsylvania has agreed to hire on Matt Walsh as the new women’s swim coach.
Diddy Celebrates Acquittal With Massive Freak-Off
LOS ANGELES — Sean "Diddy" Coombs celebrated his acquittal on sex trafficking and racketeering charges this morning by hosting a massive "freak-off."
UK Police Release Updated Chart Showing Who You’re Allowed To Be Racist Against
LONDON — In a move intended to help citizens direct their hatred toward the appropriate parties, UK police released an updated chart showing who you’re currently allowed to be racist against.
Mamdani Says He Will Build Wall Separating East New York From West New York
NEW YORK, NY — As part of his campaign platform in his attempt to become the next mayor of New York City, Zohran Mamdani pledged that he would build a wall separating East New York from West New York.
Illegal Immigrants Removed From Census, Leaving California With Population Of 12
U.S. — Population numbers have shifted drastically in light of new changes to the census program, which remove illegal immigrants from official population numbers. As a result, California, once the most populous state in the country, now has a total population of just 12 people.
Jesus Delights Crowd By Miraculously Turning Oatmeal Raisin Cookies Into Chocolate Chip
BETHSAIDA — The amazing reputation built by a Galilean carpenter-turned-traveling rabbi grew even more impressive this week, as Jesus of Nazareth miraculously turned a plate of disgusting oatmeal raisin cookies into chocolate chip.
Man Spends Six Years Digging Tunnel From Church Parking Lot To Sanctuary So He Can Avoid Greeters
PHOENIX, AZ — Deacons reportedly uncovered an elaborate tunnel running underneath a local church property Monday. They believe it was the work of one man who really hates interacting with church greeters.
Thomas Massie Unveils Small, Ugly Budget Bill With A Great Personality
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest move to fight against the looming passage of President Donald Trump’s "Big Beautiful Bill," Congressman Thomas Massie unveiled his very own "Small, Ugly Budget Bill with a Great Personality."
Elon Sends Optimus Robot Back In Time To Terminate ‘Big Beautiful Bill’
AUSTIN, TX — Tension between President Donald Trump his wealthiest and most well-known supporter reached a new level today, as Elon Musk sent a Tesla Optimus robot back in time to terminate Trump’s "Big Beautiful Bill."
Ford Debuts World’s First Autonomous Car To Leave Factory And Drive Straight To Shop For Repairs
DEARBORN, MI — The Ford Motor Company made history once again with its recent debut of the world’s first autonomous car to leave the factory and drive straight to the shop for repairs.
CNN Reports Viewership ‘Largely Intact’
ATLANTA, GA — CNN is reporting that in spite of several ruthless attacks by the Trump administration, its audience is still largely intact.
Man In Search Of New Church After Finding Out His Pastor Likes The Disney Star Wars Movies
BATON ROUGE, LA — Sources close to Gene Vickers say that the 34-year-old is now searching for a new church after finding out that his pastor likes the Disney Star Wars movies last Sunday.
Mamdani Clarifies He Is Not A Communist, He Merely Wants To Seize The Means Of Production And Put All The Capitalists In Gulags
NEW YORK, NY — In response to growing questions about his political leanings, New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani issued a statement to clarify that he is not a communist, but only wants the government ot seize the means of production, abolish private property ownership, and put…
KBJ Issues Savage Dissent In Form Of TikTok Dance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move sure to take the legal world by storm, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson issued a savage dissent in the form of a TikTok dance.
District Court Issues Nationwide Injunction Against Supreme Court Ruling
U.S. — In the wake of the United States Supreme Court ruling that will effectively prevent district courts from issuing nationwide injunctions, a district court issued a nationwide injunction against the Supreme Court ruling.
Pride Parade Followed Closely By Disinfectant Parade
SAN FRANCISCO — Pride Month festivities drew to a close Monday with one final Pride Parade that was closely followed by a Disinfectant Parade.
Gavin Newsom Sues Gavin Newsom For Ruining His Political Career
SACRAMENTO, CA — Sources close to Gavin Newsom say that the California governor is launching a lawsuit against Governor Gavin Newsom for ruining his political career.
Pastor Resigns In Disgrace After Failing To Use Greek Word In Sermon
MADISON, WI — Local pastor Nathan Enfield resigned in disgrace after he failed to use a single Greek word in his sermon this morning.
Jeff Bezos’s Wedding 100% Funded By Your Wife’s Amazon Purchases
TUSCON, AZ – Local man Jeremy Briggs sadly discovered this week that his wife’s Amazon purchases single-handedly funded billionaire Jeff Bezos’s elaborate Italian wedding.
Bad Sign? Trump Shoots Lightning from His Fingertips While Screaming ‘Unlimited Power!’ After Latest SCOTUS Ruling
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what some are taking as perhaps a bad omen, President Trump responded to the SCOTUS ruling on nationwide injunctions by screaming "UNLIMITED POWER!" and shooting lightning from his fingertips.
Man Wakes Up Filled With Regret For Not Having More To Drink Last Night
EVANSVILLE, IN — Local man Mark English woke up this morning deeply regretting that he didn’t have more alcohol last night.
Mexican Restaurant’s Authenticity Questioned After Experiencing Zero ICE Raids
ATLANTA, GA — Locals have begun questioning the authenticity of purported Mexican restaurant "El Bandido" as ICE has yet to raid the restaurant a single time.
Nation Celebrates First Anniversary Of Biden Beating Medicare
U.S. — The United States officially celebrated the first anniversary of former President Joe Biden announcing that he had finally defeated Medicare once and for all.
Who Should Be The Next James Bond?
Denis Villeneuve, director of the Dune films, has been tapped to helm the next film in the long-running James Bond film series. But who will play Ian Fleming’s master spy? Sources have said auditions are well underway, and some clear frontrunners are already under consideration.
That Tucker Carlson Sure Is A Moron [This Post Sponsored By The Jews]
Tucker Carlson is the worst person who has ever walked the face of the earth. Want to know why? Read on, friend, and we’ll tell you.
In Powerful Dissent, Ketanji Brown Jackson Simply Writes ‘Wakanda Forever’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s latest ruling in favor of President Trump, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson penned a scathing rebuke in a dissenting opinion where she simply wrote "Wakanda Forever."
20-Year Veteran VBS Leader Taken Up Into Heaven In Chariot Of Fire During Closing Program
KISSIMMEE, FL — VBS volunteers at First Baptist Church say that their veteran leader of 20 years was taken up into heaven in a chariot of fire during this year’s closing program.