ATLANTA, GA — Amid controversy stemming from a provocative social media post, popular fast-food chain Arby’s issued a formal apology for offending their main customer base of sad, pathetic losers.
Babylon Bee
RFK Unveils New Plan To End Childhood Obesity By Chasing Fat Kids With A Stick
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest expansion of the plan to make America healthy again, RFK, Jr. has just announced his intent to reduce childhood obesity in America by chasing fat kids around with a stick.
Democrats Propose Building Wall To Keep White Immigrants Out
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As debate raged over the Trump administration granting refugee status to a group of South African farmers fleeing threats to their lives in their home nation, congressional Democrats proposed building a wall to keep white immigrants out of the country.
Eyeing 2028 Presidential Bid, Gavin Newsom Distances Self From Gavin Newsom
SACRAMENTO, CA — The next race for the White House already showed signs of being in full swing, as, eyeing a potential 2028 presidential bid, California Governor Gavin Newsom took steps to distance himself from California Governor Gavin Newsom.
Furious Democrats Demand To Know Who Was Responsible For Covering Up Biden’s Decline
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats in Congress have angrily demanded answers as to who repeatedly lied to the American people in order to cover up former President Biden’s cognitive decline.
10 Shocking Signs Of Biden’s Decline Everyone Missed
Jake Tapper dropped an absolute bombshell this week, reporting that despite all evidence to the contrary, former President Joe Biden actually suffered severe physical and mental decline during his presidency. How did we all miss this? Looking back in hindsight, here are ten shocking signs we can’t believe…
South Africa Denounces White Refugees For Leaving Before They Had A Chance To Take All Their Stuff And Kill Them
CAPE TOWN — While controversy over displaced farmers swirled in the United States, officials in South Africa denounced white refugees for leaving before they had a chance to take all their stuff and kill them.
LDS Theologians Confirm Apostates Will Be Sent To Outer Darkness Where There Is Only Weeping And Imagine Dragons
SALT LAKE CITY — A letter issued by the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has clarified what lay members have long suspected: that upon death, apostates will be sent to outer darkness where there is only weeping and the sound of Imagine…
Pete Rose Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony To Be Sponsored By DraftKings
COOPERSTOWN, NY — Despite not yet being officially elected to the prestigious and exclusive group, one late baseball player already landed a lucrative sponsorship, as it was announced that Pete Rose’s Hall of Fame induction ceremony would be brought to you by DraftKings.
Couple Declines To Attend Chinese Underground Church Over Lack Of Children’s Programming
XUANHUA — One local family’s search for a new place of worship continued last weekend, as a couple declined to attend a Chinese underground church over its lack of children’s programming.
DNC To Remove David Hogg After Realizing He’s David Hogg
U.S. — The Democratic National Committee has begun the process to oust David Hogg from its leadership after realizing that he is David Hogg.
Here Are 8 Other Gifts World Leaders Are Giving To America
While the Qatrai government’s giving President Donald Trump a luxurious, state-of-the-art jet has grabbed headlines, it’s actually quite common for foreign governments to send things as special gifts to build relations and curry favor.
Top Baby Names In UK Now Muhammad, Mohammed, Mohamad, And Mohamed
UNITED KINGDOM — According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), the names Muhammad, Mohammed, Mohamad, and Mohamed are now the most popular names in England.
South Africa Excited To Achieve 100% Diversity Once It Gets Rid Of All The White People
CAPE TOWN — One nation set its sights on becoming the envy of the rest of the globe, as the South African government said the country would soon achieve 100% diversity once it gets rid of all the white people.
Dangerous Tyrant Threatens To Suspend Habeas Corpus
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Abraham Lincoln has done the unthinkable and suspended the writ of habeas corpus, which shall surely be the end of our democracy and the beginning of a 1000-tyranny and darkness for all eternity.
Trump, Saudi Crown Prince Enjoy Romantic Evening Magic Carpet Ride For Two
WORLD — As part of a historic visit to the Middle East, President Trump and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly shared a romantic evening magic carpet ride for two.
Score! Doctor Left A Cool Skeleton In Room For You To Play With
U.S. — What luck! Your doctor appointment just got a lot better after he left you a cool skeleton to play with while you’re waiting for him.
Jake Tapper Uncovers Startling Evidence That Biden’s Decline Was Covered Up By Jake Tapper
U.S. — In a shocking exposé, CNN anchor Jake Tapper has revealed new evidence that Biden’s mental and physical decline was covered up for years by Jake Tapper.
Democrats Confused By Legal Immigrants Who Seem To Love America
U.S. — Democrat onlookers were baffled at the unusual sight of a group of immigrants arriving in the United States legally while waving patriotic American flags.
More Winning: Here’s Everything Trump Scored In The China Trade Deal
A new U.S.-China trade deal has just been inked by President Trump which promises to reduce tariffs and improve relations between the two nations. But it also comes with some other perks.
‘Run! Get Out While You Can!’ Scream Dying Ferns As Woman Brings In New Houseplant
DENVER, CO — Local woman Shaylyn Bridger brought home three new houseplants this week, prompting her half-dead ferns to scream at them to get out while they still could.
Dark Day For Democracy As Insurrectionists Storm Government Building
NEWARK, NJ — The United States was plunged into a collective period of mourning to observe what historians categorized as a "dark day for democracy" after a group of insurrectionists stormed a government building.
Colorado Rockies Accused Of Using Performance-Inhibiting Drugs
DENVER — Following an eight-game losing streak, the Colorado Rockies have been formally accused of taking performance-inhibiting drugs.
Trump Accepts Generous Gift Of Imperial-Class Star Destroyer From Emperor Palpatine
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House held a star-studded ceremony today to commemorate a historic occasion, as President Donald Trump accepted a generous gift of an Imperial-Class Star Destroyer from Emperor Palpatine.
Corinthian Church Really Hopes That Embarrassing Letter Paul Wrote About All Their Sexual Immorality Doesn’t Become Public
CORINTH — With the congregation of believers still dealing with the fallout from multiple scandals, the Corinthian church expressed hope that the letter the Apostle Paul wrote about all their sexual immorality wouldn’t become public.
Faux Pas: Man Gets Wife Something for Mother’s Day Even Though She’s Not His Mother
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Local man Jacob Masterson committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning when he gave his wife a present for Mother’s Day even though she is not his mother.
Trump Secures 18 Months Of Free Geek Squad As Part Of India-Pakistan Truce
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has successfully secured 18 months of free Geek Squad service as a condition of negotiating the end of hostilities between India and Pakistan.
Letitia James Hides From Trump DOJ By Painting Herself Bronze And Standing Very, Very Still In Times Square
NEW YORK, NY — In a desperate move to evade Trump’s Department of Justice, New York Attorney General Letitia James painted herself bronze and is standing very, very still in Times Square.
New Pope Now Second-Most Influential Christian Named ‘Bob’
WORLD — After ascending to the role of Pope this week, former Bishop Robert Prevost has now taken the title of the second most influential Christian in the world named "Bob", narrowly losing out to Bob the Tomato.
New Pope Spends First Day Undoing All Of Former Pope’s Executive Orders
VATICAN CITY — According to Vatican officials, newly elected Pope Leo XIV spent the majority of his first day on the job undoing all of the former pope’s executive orders.