With the whole nation abuzz with President Trump’s proposal to reopen and expand Alcatraz, it’s worth asking who, exactly, would be vile and dangerous enough to be imprisoned there.
Babylon Bee
Democrats Offer Illegal Immigrants $1,001 To Stay In US
U.S. — In response to President Donald Trump‘s offer to give illegal immigrants $1000 in exchange for deporting themselves, Democrats are upping the ante with a lucrative deal of $1001 to stay in the United States.
Newly Discovered Mosaic Law Required Israelites To Separate Themselves From Android Users
SINAI — Scholars marveled at the revelation of what was described as a long-hidden passage of religious text, as a newly discovered portion of the Mosaic Law required Israelites to separate themselves from "unclean" Android users.
The Babylon Bee Has Been Given Access To Trump’s To-Do List For His Next 100 Days. Here’s What To Expect
It’s just too much winning to handle. Trump’s been so effective already, it’s made our heads spin.
Nation Takes Somber ‘May The 4th’ To Remember Deceased Star Wars Franchise
U.S. — Fans reportedly took time on "May the 4th" for silent reflection, somberly remembering the now deceased Star Wars franchise.
Temu Shutdown Devastates Americans Looking To Buy Throw Pillows That Look Like Chicken Legs
U.S. — The fallout from President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese goods continued to be felt in new ways, as the announcement from online marketplace Temu that it would halt shipments to the U.S. devastated millions of Americans looking to buy throw pillows that look like chicken legs.
Evangelicals Furious After Trump Shares Sacrilegious Photo Of Himself As Bibleman
U.S. — Evangelicals are furious after President Trump shared a sacrilegious picture of himself as the famous Christian-themed superhero Bibleman.
Man Carries Grocery Basket Like Dainty Village Girl Skipping Through Orchard Picking Apples
KINGSPORT, TN — According to sources, a local man was seen at the store carrying a grocery basket like a dainty village girl skipping through the orchard picking apples.
Trump To Expand Alcatraz By Putting Up Fence Around San Francisco
U.S. — A new era of dealing with depraved lawbreakers dawned today, as President Donald Trump vowed to reopen and expand Alcatraz by putting up a fence around the entire city of San Francisco.
New, Improved Hymnals To Include Silly Songs With Larry
U.S. — The Baptist Church has released a new, improved hymnal which contains all of the Silly Songs sung by Larry the Cucumber.