PEARLY GATES — Heavenly sources confirmed that Saint Peter had grown weary running the front desk of Heaven due to the number of questions he continually received about the Nephilim.
Babylon Bee
Olympics Change Trans Policies After Watching Old ‘Mister Rogers’ Episode
LAUSANNE — The International Olympic Committee (IOC) formally revoked the right of transgender athletes to participate in sporting events of the gender they identify with after watching an old episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.
Banks Now Requiring Your Grandkids To Co-Sign Your 50-Year Mortgage
U.S. — Banks across the United States announced today that they would now require an applicant’s grandkids to co-sign on a 50-year mortgage "just in case."
Freshman At Bible College Getting Worried As He Still Hasn’t Found A Wife Yet
PENSACOLA, FL — As the end of his first semester at the local Bible college loomed ever nearer, freshman Jed Clines started to worry about his prospects of ever winning a wife.
Latest Tucker Guest Bigfoot Reveals How Mind-Controlling Chemtrails Are Sprayed Over The Flat Earth By The Jews
WOODSTOCK, ME — Political commentator Tucker Carlson sparked controversy this week when he welcomed Bigfoot onto his show to discuss how mind-controlling chemtrails are sprayed over the flat earth by the Jews.
Auschwitz Guard Explains He Doesn’t Hate Jews Or Anything, Just Zionists
OŚWIĘCIM — Jews on their way to their imminent deaths reportedly overheard a guard at the Auschwitz-Birkenau Death Camp, later identified as Maximilian Mulka, rejecting claims that he hated Jewish people, saying, "I don’t hate the Jews or anything, just Zionists."
Fans Can’t Believe How Much Rock Singer Has Aged In The Last 50 Years
LAS VEGAS, NV — Following a recent performance by a legendary band of their greatest hits, fans posted online about how they couldn’t believe how much the lead singer had aged in the last 50 years.
Dave Ramsey In Critical Condition After Learning Of 50-Year Mortgage
FRANKLIN, TN — Financial consultant and radio host Dave Ramsey was reported to be in critical condition Monday after learning that President Donald Trump had begun pushing a 50-year home mortgage.
Congress Prepares To Pivot From Doing Nothing Because Of The Shutdown To Doing Nothing Because They’re Congress
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the end of the government shutdown in sight, the United States Congress was reportedly preparing to pivot from doing nothing because of the shutdown to doing nothing because they’re Congress.
Trump Unveils New Eternal Mortgage
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bid to bring down housing costs for struggling Americans trying to afford to purchase a home, President Donald Trump unveiled a plan that would normalize the utilization of eternal mortgages.