WASHINGTON, D.C. — The record-length shutdown of the federal government was finally set to reach its conclusion, as Senate Democrats agreed to end the shutdown in exchange for a 15% off coupon to Cracker Barrel.
Babylon Bee
Federal Judge Overturns Solomon’s Verdict; Baby To Be Cut In Two
JERUSALEM — What had been hailed as one of the wisest decisions of all time was declared null and void today, as a federal judge overturned King Solomon’s verdict and ordered a baby from a recent maternity dispute to be cut in two.
Man Converts To 7th Day Adventism So He Can Watch NFL All Sunday Long
FRESNO, CA — Local man Dennis Townsend has converted to Seventh Day Adventism in order to spend all Sunday sitting on the couch watching NFL games.
First Grader Anxiously Awaits Turn To Butcher ‘Für Elise’
GREENSBORO, NC — A local mother and father joined the crowd gathered for another round of musical recital performances on Saturday, as their son patiently awaited his turn to butcher "Für Elise."
Rockstar Announces ‘GTA 6’ Is Now Available And Oh No There’s The Trumpet Of God And The World Is Ending!
NEW YORK, NY — In a reversal of yesterday’s announcement, Rockstar Games revealed that the hotly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI is, in fact, available now. Rockstar President and co-founder Sam Houser confirmed that the game was finally completed and ready for digital download immediately — unfortunately, the…
Mamdani Dethrones Gavin Newsom As U-Haul’s Top Salesman
PHOENIX, AZ — New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has officially been named this year’s top U-Haul salesman, ending a record-breaking five-year streak from California Governor Gavin Newsom.
Liberals Trying To Remember What They Were Mad About Last Week
U.S. — According to sources, American liberals across the country were struggling to remember what they were so mad about last week.
10 Good Works That Don’t Even Require You To Get Off The Couch
Doing good works requires time, effort, and energy. Or does it? What if you could rack up some good works without even leaving your couch?
Email Does Not Find Man Well
DENVER, CO — Sad reports indicated that a work email sent to a local man on Friday morning did not, in fact, find him well.
With Cheney Dead, Iraq Finally Admits They Had WMDs All Along
BAGHDAD — Following the death of former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, Iraqi government officials finally admitted they actually did have weapons of mass destruction this whole time.