U.S. — Despite controversies surrounding tariffs and the defunding of dozens of large government departments, a new poll showed President Donald Trump’s popularity skyrocketed after he announced the deportation of all cyclists.
Babylon Bee
Miracle: Image Of Mary Appears In Chicago Bean
CHICAGO, IL — In an astonishing miracle that theologians said was a herald of God’s blessing upon Chicago’s own Pope Leo XIV, an image of the Virgin Mary appeared in the Chicago Bean.
10 Common Mistakes Preachers Make
Being a preacher is a thankless job. You do your best to "rightly divide the Word of Truth" each week, but no one pays attention. But it’s not their fault, it’s yours. In all likelihood, you’re making one of ten common, and sometimes deadly, mistakes.
Hero: Bernie Sanders Buys Another House To Make Sure The Rich People Don’t Get All Of Them
BURLINGTON, VT — In a heroic move that sacrificed his own resources, Senator Bernie Sanders announced that he had bought yet another house to make sure the rich people don’t get all of them.
What You Should Know About The New Pope
With the election of Pope Leo XIV, millions of people — including some Catholics — were left looking for information about him to provide insight into how he might lead the Church.
Bernie Sanders Unveils His New Gold-Encrusted ‘Beat The Oligarchy’ Dirigible
U.S. — In the latest step in his quest to lead working-class Americans to overthrow the elite billionaire ruling class, Senator Bernie Sanders unveiled a gold-encrusted "Beat the Oligarchy" dirigible he would use to tour the country.
10 Reasons Republicans In Congress Haven’t Gotten Around To Defunding Planned Parenthood Yet
The new Republican-controlled Congress is now in its fifth month, leaving millions of people who voted for them wondering when they might get around to… maybe… accomplishing some of the important things they campaigned on, like defunding popular baby-murder corporation Planned Parenthood.
Eagle Firing AR-15 Emerges From Vatican Indicating An American Pope Has Been Selected
VATICAN — In an aerial display that delighted millions, the Vatican conclave released a bald eagle firing an AR-15 into the air to signal that an American pope had been selected.
JD Vance Already Making Plans To Kill New Pope
U.S. — In the minutes following the announcement of Chicago Cardinal Robert F. Prevost as the new Pope, Vice President Vance has reportedly already begun making plans to kill him.
Catholics Frantically Google New Pope To See If He’s Catholic
BREAKING: Smoke Has Risen From Buc-ee’s Indicating Fresh Brisket Is On The Board
WACO, TX — The gathered crowds broke out into deafening cheers as smoke rose from Buc-ee’s this afternoon, indicating fresh brisket was on the board.
Fox News Calls Papacy For Joe Biden
U.S. — Fox News has announced that it is ready to officially project the winner of the papacy, calling the conclave for Joe Biden.
Sad: AOC Unable To Obtain Real ID Because She Died On Jan 6 And Is A Ghost
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The national movement to require everyone to convert their forms of identification continued to receive pushback as Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez revealed she was unable to obtain a Real ID because she died on Jan 6 and is now a ghost.
Trump Sends In Nicolas Cage To Reoccupy Alcatraz
SAN FRANCISCO — Nicolas Cage has successfully infiltrated Alcatraz after being tapped by President Trump to reoccupy the famous island prison.
India Retaliates Against Pakistan By Scamming Them Out Of Millions In Amazon Gift Cards
INDIA — In a brutal response to the killings in Kashmir, India retaliated against Pakistani by scamming their foes out of millions in Amazon gift cards.
Trump Renames San Francisco Bay ‘Gulf Of Criminals’
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As part of his ongoing crusade to change the name of each body of water in the world, President Donald Trump announced on Wednesday that the San Francisco Bay would now be known as the "Gulf of Criminals."
The Bee Explains: How A Conclave Works
The Catholic Church has officially begun the process of selecting a new Pope, using a mysterious and secretive method known as a "conclave." So, how does a conclave work? Here is everything you need to know:
Trump Promises To Negotiate Peace In India As Soon As They Take Him Off Hold
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has vowed to negotiate a quick end to the violence between India and Pakistan, just as soon as he taken off the "brief hold" he was placed on.
Woman Terrified Of White Men Leaves Africa For Minnesota
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to reports, a local woman and Congressional representative left Africa and immigrated to Minnesota, in spite of her paralyzing fear of white men.
9 Out Of 10 Financial Experts Now Recommend Saying The ‘N-Word’ On Camera
U.S. — A new foolproof method to build long-term wealth has been discovered, as a recent survey showed that a staggering 9 out of 10 financial experts now recommend saying the N-word on camera.
Corporal Klinger Finally Discharged From Army After Trans Military Ban
UIJEONGBU — Corporal Maxwell Klinger has finally been discharged from the Army after the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the Trump administration’s ban on trans military members.
Tragedy: Local Man Has To Go To Work Even Though He Doesn’t Feel Like It
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA — Friends and family rallied to provide much-needed comfort to their loved one today, as a local man found himself experiencing the tragedy of having to go to work even though he didn’t feel like it.
10 People Trump Is Sending To The Reopened Alcatraz
With the whole nation abuzz with President Trump’s proposal to reopen and expand Alcatraz, it’s worth asking who, exactly, would be vile and dangerous enough to be imprisoned there.
Democrats Offer Illegal Immigrants $1,001 To Stay In US
U.S. — In response to President Donald Trump‘s offer to give illegal immigrants $1000 in exchange for deporting themselves, Democrats are upping the ante with a lucrative deal of $1001 to stay in the United States.
Newly Discovered Mosaic Law Required Israelites To Separate Themselves From Android Users
SINAI — Scholars marveled at the revelation of what was described as a long-hidden passage of religious text, as a newly discovered portion of the Mosaic Law required Israelites to separate themselves from "unclean" Android users.
The Babylon Bee Has Been Given Access To Trump’s To-Do List For His Next 100 Days. Here’s What To Expect
It’s just too much winning to handle. Trump’s been so effective already, it’s made our heads spin.
Nation Takes Somber ‘May The 4th’ To Remember Deceased Star Wars Franchise
U.S. — Fans reportedly took time on "May the 4th" for silent reflection, somberly remembering the now deceased Star Wars franchise.
Temu Shutdown Devastates Americans Looking To Buy Throw Pillows That Look Like Chicken Legs
U.S. — The fallout from President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese goods continued to be felt in new ways, as the announcement from online marketplace Temu that it would halt shipments to the U.S. devastated millions of Americans looking to buy throw pillows that look like chicken legs.
Evangelicals Furious After Trump Shares Sacrilegious Photo Of Himself As Bibleman
U.S. — Evangelicals are furious after President Trump shared a sacrilegious picture of himself as the famous Christian-themed superhero Bibleman.
Man Carries Grocery Basket Like Dainty Village Girl Skipping Through Orchard Picking Apples
KINGSPORT, TN — According to sources, a local man was seen at the store carrying a grocery basket like a dainty village girl skipping through the orchard picking apples.