EAST LONGMEADOW, MA — Congregants said Pastor Michael Boldman set a great example of honesty at Fruit of the Cross Church, where he reportedly bragged about his moderately attractive wife.
Babylon Bee
Massive Terrorist Sleeper Cell Discovered In Massachusetts
CAMBRIDGE, MA — The Department of Homeland Security announced that a massive terrorist sleeper cell was discovered hiding just outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
Wife Offers Husband Compromise: If He Lets Her Get Chickens She’ll Let Him Do All The Work
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Local woman Rachel Gentry told her husband she’d compromise on her proposal to get a coop full of chickens by letting him do all the work if he let her get the backyard poultry.
Supreme Court Legalizes Trump Presidency
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court issued a ruling this morning that it is legal for President Donald Trump to be the president.
‘God Works All Things Together For Good,’ Mutters Man As He Finds Perfect Parking Spot
SPRINGFIELD, MO — Evidence of things unseen was witnessed by one local believer today, as a man found reassurance of the Lord’s plan in his life after he managed to find the perfect parking spot.
7 Changes Mamdani Is Proposing For New York City
Following his victory in the Democratic Party primary, Zohran Mamdani is now the frontrunner for New York City mayor, and people are wondering what plans he may have in mind for the Big Apple.
Man Holding Out Hope Job Interviewer Will Ask Him How Much He Knows About Batman
NEW YORK — A New Jersey man applying for a job on Wall Street admitted to being nervous going into a job interview at investment banking firm Morgan Stanley and was reportedly holding out hope that the interviewer would ask him how much he knows about Batman.
Pete Hegseth Vows Military Will Not Discriminate Against Chicks, Broads, Or Dames
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth responded to allegations of sexism on Thursday by vowing that the United States military would never discriminate against chicks, broads, or dames.
In Historic 6-3 Supreme Court Decision, 3 Justices Ruled To Be Morons
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ramifications were predicted to be felt for generations after today, as in a historic 6-3 Supreme Court decision, 3 justices were ruled to be morons.
Democrats Discover Innovative Strategy Of Promising Free Stuff To Stupid People
NEW YORK, NY — Democratic Party strategists were thrilled this week after they stumbled upon an innovative new strategy of winning elections by promising free stuff to stupid people.
Ayatollah Proudly Announces Iran Has Destroyed 14 Bunker Buster Bombs With Its Nuclear Facilities
TEHRAN — Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini declared a resounding victory over the United States and Israel after Iran destroyed 14 American bunker buster bombs with its nuclear facilities.
Defeated Cuomo Left Groping For Answers
NEW YORK CITY — After suffering a shocking defeat to a previously little-known socialist, former governor Andrew Cuomo was left groping for answers as to where it all went wrong.
Church Warns Of Impending Shortage Of Sweet White-Haired Ladies That Give You Peppermints
FORT WAYNE, IN — An ecumenical gathering of pastors and laity recently warned that the church in America now faces an impending shortage of sweet, elderly white-haired ladies that give you peppermints.
CNN: Hiroshima ‘Barely Set Back’ By Atomic Bomb
U.S. — CNN has obtained a classified briefing revealing that the city of Hiroshima was "barely affected" after being hit by an atomic bomb.
9 Hardest Parts Of Pregnancy For Husbands
Trump’s Christian Faith Questioned As He Didn’t Say ‘Fudge’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump’s devout Christian faith is being called into question following an interaction with the press where he used a curse word instead of saying "fudge."
Mamdani Vows To Knock Down World Trade Center To Build More Affordable Housing
NEW YORK CITY — Zohran Mamdani, winner of New York City’s mayoral Democratic primary, has vowed to knock down the One World Trade Center in order to build more affordable housing.
Hamas Claims Responsibility For NYC Mayoral Primary
NEW YORK — The Hamas terrorist organization has claimed responsibility for the results of last night’s mayoral primary in New York City.
Get A Load Of This Dweeb Who Still Thinks We Care About What The Constitution Says
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Get a load of this total dweeb of a congressman who still thinks we care about what the Constitution says.
Trump Bombed Iran. Here’s How 12 Media Outlets Covered The Story
Welp, it looks like Trump bombed Iran. The Babylon Bee has assembled headlines from various media outlets here in one place so you can pick a little bit of the truth out of each to learn the whole story.
7 Clear Signs The Great Tribulation Is Near
Each passing moment brings us one step closer to the end times. Concerned? Keep an eye out for these signs that the tribulation is at hand.
Nation’s Obese Air Travelers Announce Plans To Sit Next To You
ORLANDO, FL — Obese air travelers around the country have just announced plans to sit right next to you on your flight.According to morbidly overweight persons scattered throughout America’s airports, you’ll have a large amount of company on every flight you ever take for the rest of your…
Politicians Warn Ceasefire Is Slippery Slope Toward Peace In Middle East
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington politicians sounded the alarm Tuesday that a ceasefire agreement brokered by President Trump between Israel and Iran may be a slippery slope that leads to peace in the Middle East.
Peace In Middle East Lasts Record 27 Minutes
MIDDLE EAST — The region rejoiced and the world marvelled as peace broke out in the Middle East and lasted a record 27 minutes.
Second-Edition Copy Of ‘The Communist Manifesto’ Currently Leads NYC Mayor Race
NEW YORK, NY — All eyes have turned toward the New York mayoral primaries, as a new poll indicated that a second edition copy of The Communist Manifesto now holds a sizeable lead over other Democratic Party candidates.
‘Declaring War Is Our Job,’ Declare Congressmen Who Never Do Their Job
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ongoing hostilities in the Middle East raised tensions in the nation’s capital as well, with frustrated legislators who fail to meet their responsibilities on a daily basis reminded everyone that launching military actions was their responsibility.
10 Most Carbon-Friendly Vehicles In 2025
With the world falling apart and the threat of a nuclear holocaust looming each day, everyone can agree that the greatest threat facing humanity is gas-powered cars. That’s why, as an alternative, people are turning to more carbon-friendly vehicles. But which ones are best?
LDS Church Launches Missionary BMX Games
SALT LAKE CITY — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has officially launched the first annual BMX Missionary Games, where young missionaries will compete in the arena of BMX sports.
Everyone Was Wrong: God Confirms Book Of Revelation Was Actually About The War Of 1812
U.S. — Theologians have announced a startling discovery that everyone has been wrong about the book of Revelation for thousands of years. While many assumed it was referring to the end times, the tribulation, and the Second Coming, it now appears to have been written entirely about the…
Millions Of Britons Drop Dead After Seeing Strange Shiny Yellow Thing In Sky For First Time
THE UNITED KINGDOM — Millions of residents of the United Kingdom dropped dead after seeing a giant shiny ball in the sky for the very first time.