WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a frustrating string of judicial roadblocks that have hindered his agenda, President Donald Trump announced a move to overrule the United States Supreme Court by establishing the new Ultra Supreme Mega Court.
Babylon Bee
Awkward Start As Saint Peter Asks Francis If He Can Have His Pope Hat Back
GLORY — The afterlife of one of the world’s most prominent religious figures got off to an awkward start today, as Saint Peter reportedly asked the newly arrived Francis if he could have his pope hat back.
Did Dad Get A Glow Up? Yep, That’s A Sexy New Plaid Shirt From Walmart
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In a stunning transformation, local dad Greg Thompson debuted a head-turning glow-up this weekend with a brand-new plaid shirt from Walmart’s clearance rack.
People Who Bypassed Legal Process In Migrating To USA Demand Legal Process Before Being Kicked Out
U.S. — According to sources, several individuals who bypassed the legal process in migrating to the United States are demanding due process before being deported.
Roman Authorities Investigating Jesus For Violating Stay-In-Tomb Order
JERUSALEM—Roman authorities are investigating controversial religious leader Jesus of Nazareth for violating the Empire's clear "stay in tomb" order. After crucifying him and laying him in the tomb, Roman guards put Him under strict orders to stay there and not come back, rising victorious over sin and death.
St. John Signs Lucrative Nike Endorsement After Beating St. Peter To Tomb
JUDEA — Saint John the Apostle has reportedly signed a lucrative six figure deal with Nike following his win against Saint Peter in a footrace to the tomb of Jesus.
Jackpot: Local Church Has Organ, Hymnals, Male Pastor
PLANO, TX — After moving to Plano and spending weeks searching for a new church home, Dan and Cyndi Badeen hit the jackpot when they walked into St. Paul’s Lutheran and found hymnals, an organ, and a male pastor.
Family Arriving For Easter Service Surprised How Different Church Looks Without The Christmas Decorations
ATLANTA, GA — As the Glennon family walked into church for Easter service today, they were caught off guard by how different the church looked without Christmas decorations.
Matt Walsh Jumps Out Of Bushes At Easter Egg Hunt To Inform The Kids Bunnies Laying Eggs Is Biologically Impossible
NASHVILLE, TN — A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it’s biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
Roman Soldier Assigned To Guard Tomb Of Some Jewish Carpenter Looking Forward To Uneventful Weekend
JERUSALEM—Local Roman soldier Plinius was given his guard assignment for the weekend and was delighted to see he'd been entrusted with guarding the tomb of "some Jewish carpenter guy," as he'd be able to get some shut-eye and have a nice, relaxing weekend.