EAST OF EDEN — Public opinion was heavily divided this week after accused murderer Cain raised $1,000,000 in crowdfunding donations after killing his brother, Abel.
Babylon Bee
UK Stabbing Suspect Pleads Muslim
LONDON — Prosecutors were stopped in their tracks this week and left with no recourse to pursue the case any further, after a suspect in a recent stabbing incident in the United Kingdom pleaded Muslim.
Liberals Warn Enforcing Immigration Law Is A Slippery Slope That May Lead To Enforcing Other Laws
U.S. — With politicians and pundits still involved in heated debates over the legality of the deportation of an MS-13 gang member, liberals warned the public that enforcing immigration law was a slippery slope that could lead to enforcing other laws.
Local Dad Has To Be Forcibly Removed From WW2 Air Museum
CHINO, CA — Local dad Daxton Colt was reportedly having an enjoyable day at the local World War II aviation museum before he was forcibly removed from the premises for staying way past the normal open visiting hours of 10:00AM to 4:00PM.
Catholic Scholars Confirm Purgatory Consists Of Helping Third Graders With Math For Hundreds Of Years
VATICAN CITY — Distinguished canon law scholars in the Roman Catholic church have just confirmed that Purgatory consists of helping 3rd-graders with their math homework for hundreds of years.
NBA Provides LeBron With Special Whistle To Call His Own Fouls
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a historic decision, the National Basketball Referees Association announced its intention of giving LeBron James his very own whistle to call his own fouls.
Democrats Call For An Individual Court Hearing For Everyone On Earth To Prove They Aren’t American Citizens
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As controversy swirls over the deportation of Kilmar Abrego Garcia, Democrat politicians have joined together to call for an individual court hearing for everyone on earth to prove that they aren’t American citizens.
‘Weeeeee I’m An Astronaut!’ Exclaims Katy Perry During Ride On Disneyland Astro Orbiter
ANAHEIM, CA — Singer and TV personality Katy Perry inspired dozens Thursday after declaring she was an astronaut following a brief ride on Disneyland’s Astro Orbiter.
American Hostages In Gaza Disguise Themselves As MS-13 Gang Members So Democrats Will Fight To Bring Them Home
GAZA — In a desperate attempt to return to family and friends they haven’t seen in over a year and a half, American hostages being held by Hamas reportedly disguised themselves as MS-13 gang members so Democrats would fight to bring them home to the U.S.
Trump Agrees To Bring Garcia Home If El Salvador Will Keep Cory Booker
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With controversy ongoing over a judge ordering a deported MS-13 gang member to be returned to the U.S., news broke that President Donald Trump had agreed to bring Kilmar Abrego Garcia home if El Salvador would keep Senator Cory Booker.