U.S. — A new era of dealing with depraved lawbreakers dawned today, as President Donald Trump vowed to reopen and expand Alcatraz by putting up a fence around the entire city of San Francisco.
Babylon Bee
New, Improved Hymnals To Include Silly Songs With Larry
U.S. — The Baptist Church has released a new, improved hymnal which contains all of the Silly Songs sung by Larry the Cucumber.
Chipotle Announces Plans To Get Even Worse
NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Chipotle executives unveiled plans today for the restaurant chain to somehow get even worse.
Bill Belichick’s Girlfriend Leaves Him For Lou Holtz
CHAPEL HILL, NC — Sources close to Jordon Hudson confirmed today that the 24-year-old has officially dumped Bill Belichick for Lou Holtz.
Conductor Asks Congregation To Stop Yelling ‘Freebird!’ During Handbell Performance
FORT WAYNE, IN — Handbell choir conductor Matthew Grey was recently forced to ask the congregation to stop yelling "FREEBIRD!" during handbell performances.
Marco Rubio Named Interim Lawn Guy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of firing long-time White House lawn guy Juarez Stevenson, Secretary of State Marco Rubio scored yet another position today, with Trump naming Rubio interim Lawn Guy.
Dems Update Statue Of Liberty To Say ‘Give Me Your Wife Beaters’
U.S. — Democrats have updated the famous "New Colossus" poem on the Statue of Liberty to simply read, "Give us your wife beaters."
Democrats Warn Cutting State Propaganda Will Lead To Fascism
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Democrats sounded an alarm Friday, warning that cutting funding for state-sponsored propaganda programs would lead to fascism.
9 Deadly Consequences Of Defunding NPR
President Trump just defunded NPR… but at what cost? A survey of leading economists and media analysts may surprise you.
Trump Raises 25% Tariffs On All Brick Trades In Catan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Gamers around the world expressed outrage and uncertainty about the future of the global economy after President Donald Trump raised 25% tariffs on all brick trades in Settlers of Catan.
Good News: The Duck Hunt Dog Has Passed Away
KYOTO — The "Duck Hunt Dog" from the classic video game Duck Hunt has died, Nintendo announced Friday.
Pitching Machine Tosses No-Hitter Against Local Dad
RANCHO-CUCAMONGA, CA — In a historic display of baseball prowess, a pitching machine tossed a no-hitter against local dad Keith Malvern.
After PBS Defunded, All Sesame Street Characters Forced To Move In With Oscar
SESAME STREET — Following President Donald Trump’s executive order to strip federal funding from PBS, residents of Sesame Street were forced to pack their bags and move in with Oscar the Grouch just to survive.
‘Hey Man, Want Any Red No. 40?’ Asks Dealer Opening Trench Coat
CHICAGO, IL — Authorities are advising citizens to avoid secluded alleyways due to reports of a suspicious individual wearing a trench coat who allegedly tries to sell people Red Dye No. 40, a known contraband.
Man From Pennsylvania Under Impression He Has Eaten Mexican Food
SCRANTON, PA — A group of friends received a detailed critique of popular south-of-the-border cuisine recently from a Pennsylvania man who was apparently under the impression that he had eaten actual Mexican food before.
Tim Walz Volunteers To Wear Gorilla Suit And Wrestle 100 Men
ST. PAUL, MN — Amid online controversy about whether 100 men could defeat one gorilla, former VP candidate Tim Walz has graciously volunteered this week to don a Gorilla suit and wrestle 100 men.
Trump Secures Nifty Geode In Ukrainian Minerals Deal
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of a finalized Ukrainian minerals deal, President Trump has reportedly received a nifty little geode he can show off to friends.
Bad Timing: Kilmar Abrego Garcia Honored With MS-13 ‘Employee Of The Month’ Award
HYATTSVILLE, MD — Any goodwill extended toward a controversially deported El Salvadorian man took a hit this week due to a case of bad timing, as Kilmar Abrego Garcia was honored with MS-13’s "Employee of the Month" award.
11 Easy Ways To Beat A Gorilla In A Fight
Everyone right now is wondering whether 100 men could beat one gorilla in a fight, but the answer is incredibly simple.
Democrats Show Solidarity With MS-13 By Getting New Face Tattoos
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a beautiful display of solidarity with deported gang members, top Democrats had "MS-13" tattooed directly onto their foreheads.
12 Changes Trump Would Make As Pope
Speculation over who will be the next occupant of the Holy See has gone wild, with President Trump the latest to throw his name into the ring. Here are twelve changes Trump is promising to make if he is named the next Pope:
Are Your Kids Possessed By Demons Or Just Normal Toddlers? How To Tell The Difference
You wake up in the middle of the night to discover a toddler has silently been staring at you for the last hour. Is it your normal child… or is it a demon? Parents have struggled with this question for thousands of years. That’s why we’ve consulted the…
Plastic Army Men: RANKED
As kids, few gifts were more cherished than a new set of little plastic army men. We spent hundreds of hours recreating all sorts of battles, and the reality is that some of these little guys are made for glory, and others are doomed for destruction. Here are…
Bill Belichick Puts Girlfriend In Pack ‘N Play Until Practice Is Over
CHAPEL HILL, NC — One of the most successful football coaches brushed off the recent media controversy and finally got back to the important business of putting together his team, as Bill Belichick put his girlfriend in a Pack ‘n Play until practice was over.
Media Says No Evidence Demon-Horned Man With Sith Tattoos And Red Lightsaber A Member Of The Sith
CORUSCANT — Despite rampant allegations regarding the appearance of a dark-robed figure engaging in nefarious activities on various star systems, the media maintained that there was no evidence that indicated the demon-horned man with Sith tattoos all over his face and body and wielding a red-bladed lightsaber was…
Parents Distraught After Finding Soccer Ball Under Son’s Bed
GLADEWATER — Local parents Carl and Patricia Nootsen are reportedly distraught after discovering a soccer ball under their son’s bed.
Heaven Issues Clarification That God Will Answer All Prayers But This Doesn’t Mean He’ll Give You Force Powers
HEAVEN — Sources close to the High Throne of Heaven confirmed that God does indeed hear all your prayers, but that doesn’t mean that He’ll give you Force powers, even if you ask really hard.
Kamala Harris Livestream Speech Will Charge $25 To Use Mute Button
U.S. — An upcoming live-streamed speech by former Vice President Kamala Harris will reportedly charge viewers $25 to mute her.
Newly Discovered Third Epistle To Timothy Features Paul Warning Him Against Starting A Podcast
EPHESUS — An ancient document discovered in the region of Ephesus may be a long-lost third letter to Timothy, where Paul warns the young preacher not to start a podcast, say researchers.
Global Birth Rates Hit Historic Lows As Elon Musk Busy With DOGE
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A group of prominent sociologists sounded an alarm this week, citing new data that indicated global fertility rates had hit historic lows while Elon Musk was busy with DOGE.