Mark Carney defeated conservative challenger Pierre Poilievre in Canada’s 2025 federal election to become the next Prime Minister of America’s 51st state. What exactly does he have planned for The Great White North?
Babylon Bee
Europe Promises To Get The Electricity Back Up ASAP So Everyone Can Hear The Muslim Calls To Prayer
LISBON — Following massive power grid failures that plunged multiple countries into blackouts, Europe promised its citizens it would get electricity back up as soon as possible so everyone would be able to hear the Muslim call to prayer over the loudspeakers.
Wife Beginning To Suspect Husband’s Thoughtful, Relevant Responses To Her Texts Might Be A.I. Generated
STOCKTON, CA — According to sources, local wife Sue Page is beginning to suspect that her husband’s thoughtful and relevant responses to her texts might be A.I. generated.
Canada Surpasses California As State With Most Liberal Governor
OTTAWA — The status quo among America’s red and blue states was shaken up last night, as with the election of Mark Carney, Canada officially surpassed California as the state with the most liberal governor.
Women Shocked To Learn Pill Designed To Murder Babies Might Not Be Safe
SEATTLE — Women across the country have been shocked to learn that mifepristone and misoprostol, pills designed to murder babies in the womb, might not be all that safe.
With No Pope to Oversee Them, Cardinals Stay Up All Night Playing Goldeneye And Building Pillow Forts
VATICAN CITY — With no pope to oversee them, the College of Cardinals has been staying up every night playing Goldeneye 007 and building pillow forts, according to Vatican insiders.
Democrats Hold Candlelight Vigil In Front Of Illegal Immigrant Mug Shots
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional leaders held a solemn ceremony in the nation’s capital today, as Democratic senators arrived at the White House to hold a candlelight vigil in front of migrant gang mug shots.
Trump Issues New Striped Robes For Federal Judges
U.S. — Members of the judiciary were revealed to be sporting a new look, as President Donald Trump issued new striped robes to be worn by federal judges.
Joe Biden Arrested For Harboring 11 Million Illegal Aliens
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Former President Joe Biden was placed under arrest today for harboring just over eleven million illegal immigrants.
Behold! New Babylon Bee Merch Has Arrived
Glad tidings! Your favorite fake news outlet just loaded up its store with BRAND NEW merch, and it’s all guaranteed 100% tariff free.
Trump Stuns Pope Funeral Attendees With Breathtaking Rendition Of ‘Ave Maria’
VATICAN CITY — In a stirring tribute to Pope Francis, President Donald Trump took to the microphone during the pontiff’s funeral services and stunned attendees by singing a gorgeous, captivating a capella rendition of "Ave Maria".
Shedeur Sanders Drafted By McDonald’s In 3rd Round
GREEN BAY, WI — After free falling out of the first two rounds, Shedeur Sanders finally heard his name called as McDonald’s drafted him in the third round as a fry cook.
FBI Agents Discover 17 More Illegals Hiding In Judge Dugan’s Robe
MILWAUKEE, WI — While being questioned by authorities following her arrest, FBI agents discovered 17 more illegal aliens hiding in the back of County Circuit Judge Hannah Dugan’s robes.
Man Saves Hundreds Of Thousands In Student Loans By Just Learning How To Hate Jews On The Internet
MILLVILLE, NJ — According to sources, college dropout Jack Doulton saved hundreds of thousands of dollars on student loans by simply learning how to hate Jews online for free.
‘Christianity Today’ Announces It Has Converted To Islam
CAROL STREAM, IL — Long-running religious magazine and online publication Christianity Today announced on Friday that it had converted to Islam.
Federal Judge Travels Back In Time To Overturn Trump’s Birth
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to newly released court documents, a federal judge invented time travel and transported himself to New York in 1946 so he could overturn President Donald Trump’s birth.
Player Drafted By Cleveland Browns Decides To Just Retire Instead
GREEN BAY, WI — A promising young athlete who was drafted by the Cleveland Browns has reportedly decided to just retire.
Ignorant Kids Have No Idea How Cool Dad Is
SLIDELL, LA — According to sources, the children of local father Jaxon Holt are completely ignorant of how cool their dad is.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson Debunks 12 Popular Song Lyrics
Music, while thoroughly enjoyable and a beautiful form of artistic expression, is often full of logical fallacies and outright misinformation. Having an expert separate the truth from the lies can be helpful.
Sad: This Guy Spent $500k On Ivy League Education And All He Knows How To Do Is Chant ‘Free Palestine’
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local man Asher Grayson, who recently graduated from Harvard with a degree in neuroscience, confessed he feels woefully unprepared to join the workforce because the only thing he knows how to do is chant "Free Palestine!"
‘You’re Going To Make It,’ Says TV ER Doctor To Patient Who’s Definitely Going To Die At The End Of The Episode
U.S. — A new episode of hit hospital drama Danger Hospital started with a bang an ER doctor told a patient who was definitely going to die by the end of the episode that they were going to make it.
Support Grows For Requiring Supreme Court Justices To Pass Cognitive Tests
U.S. — As audio clips of another round of oral arguments made their way across social media, results of a new poll revealed that support continued to grow for requiring Supreme Court justices to pass cognitive tests in order to serve.
God Introduces New Hydrating, Zero Sugar Beverage With No Artificial Dyes
EARTH — Health enthusiasts received exciting news this week, as God introduced a new hydrating, zero-sugar beverage that has absolutely no artificial dyes, no carbs, and is completely devoid of any calories.
South American Countries Outraged At Being Flooded With Own Citizens
EL SALVADOR — As Trump’s deportation efforts continue, leaders from several South American countries have expressed their outrage at having their sovereign countries flooded by an influx of their own citizens.
9 Exciting New Dye-Free Foods Coming In The Wake Of RFK’s Ban
With RFK Jr.’s artificial dye ban being pushed into effect as soon as possible, corporations were sent scrambling to bring their products into compliance, resulting in a slew of new food items that will be hitting store shelves near you.
Trump’s Skin Returns To Normal Human Color After Ban On Artificial Dyes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The leader of the free world was sporting a new look this morning, as witnesses noticed that President Donald Trump’s skin had returned to normal human color just one day after HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. began phasing out artificial dyes.
Husband Solemnly Informs Wife They Must Do Their Part To Help Nation’s Falling Birthrate
NASHVILLE, TN — Local husband Matt Wilhelm dimmed the lights and put on some soft jazz to ease the tension as he solemnly told his wife they must do their part to improve the nation’s falling birthrate.
False Alarm: Smoke Coming From Vatican Just Cardinal Steve Accidentally Burning Toast Again
VATICAN CITY — Millions excitedly awaited the imminent announcement of the new Pope after smoke poured out of the Vatican this morning, only to learn it was just Cardinal Steve burning the toast again.
Easter Bunny Dead After Meeting With JD Vance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Inside sources confirmed the grim news this morning that the Easter Bunny was found dead yesterday, having passed away only days after having a scheduled meeting with Vice President JD Vance.
White House Tells Americans To Reply ‘STOP’ If They No Longer Wish To Receive Hegseth’s Texts About Upcoming Military Strikes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has advised every American to reply "STOP" if they no longer wish to receive texts about upcoming military strikes from Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.