VATICAN CITY — Following the death of Pope Francis, cardinals within the Roman Catholic Church have expressed interest in electing a pope who’s actually Catholic this time.
Babylon Bee
Dalai Lama Quietly Cancels Scheduled Meeting With JD Vance
DHARAMSHALA — After the sad news broke that Pope Francis had passed away just hours after meeting the U.S. Vice President, the Dalai Lama quietly canceled his scheduled meeting with JD Vance.
Life Hack: In Lieu Of Reading Book Of Revelation, Just Go Outside And Watch It Happen
Have you ever wished you could experience the Bible firsthand? Have you ever found the book of Revelation to be confusing and challenging to understand? A game-changing new life hack aims to solve both of these problems at the same time!
To Overrule The Supreme Court, Trump Establishes New Ultra Supreme Mega Court
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a frustrating string of judicial roadblocks that have hindered his agenda, President Donald Trump announced a move to overrule the United States Supreme Court by establishing the new Ultra Supreme Mega Court.
Awkward Start As Saint Peter Asks Francis If He Can Have His Pope Hat Back
GLORY — The afterlife of one of the world’s most prominent religious figures got off to an awkward start today, as Saint Peter reportedly asked the newly arrived Francis if he could have his pope hat back.
Did Dad Get A Glow Up? Yep, That’s A Sexy New Plaid Shirt From Walmart
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In a stunning transformation, local dad Greg Thompson debuted a head-turning glow-up this weekend with a brand-new plaid shirt from Walmart’s clearance rack.
People Who Bypassed Legal Process In Migrating To USA Demand Legal Process Before Being Kicked Out
U.S. — According to sources, several individuals who bypassed the legal process in migrating to the United States are demanding due process before being deported.
Roman Authorities Investigating Jesus For Violating Stay-In-Tomb Order
JERUSALEM—Roman authorities are investigating controversial religious leader Jesus of Nazareth for violating the Empire's clear "stay in tomb" order. After crucifying him and laying him in the tomb, Roman guards put Him under strict orders to stay there and not come back, rising victorious over sin and death.
St. John Signs Lucrative Nike Endorsement After Beating St. Peter To Tomb
JUDEA — Saint John the Apostle has reportedly signed a lucrative six figure deal with Nike following his win against Saint Peter in a footrace to the tomb of Jesus.
Jackpot: Local Church Has Organ, Hymnals, Male Pastor
PLANO, TX — After moving to Plano and spending weeks searching for a new church home, Dan and Cyndi Badeen hit the jackpot when they walked into St. Paul’s Lutheran and found hymnals, an organ, and a male pastor.
Family Arriving For Easter Service Surprised How Different Church Looks Without The Christmas Decorations
ATLANTA, GA — As the Glennon family walked into church for Easter service today, they were caught off guard by how different the church looked without Christmas decorations.
Matt Walsh Jumps Out Of Bushes At Easter Egg Hunt To Inform The Kids Bunnies Laying Eggs Is Biologically Impossible
NASHVILLE, TN — A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it’s biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
Roman Soldier Assigned To Guard Tomb Of Some Jewish Carpenter Looking Forward To Uneventful Weekend
JERUSALEM—Local Roman soldier Plinius was given his guard assignment for the weekend and was delighted to see he'd been entrusted with guarding the tomb of "some Jewish carpenter guy," as he'd be able to get some shut-eye and have a nice, relaxing weekend.
Cain Raises $1,000,000 In Crowdfunding Donations After Killing Abel
EAST OF EDEN — Public opinion was heavily divided this week after accused murderer Cain raised $1,000,000 in crowdfunding donations after killing his brother, Abel.
UK Stabbing Suspect Pleads Muslim
LONDON — Prosecutors were stopped in their tracks this week and left with no recourse to pursue the case any further, after a suspect in a recent stabbing incident in the United Kingdom pleaded Muslim.
Liberals Warn Enforcing Immigration Law Is A Slippery Slope That May Lead To Enforcing Other Laws
U.S. — With politicians and pundits still involved in heated debates over the legality of the deportation of an MS-13 gang member, liberals warned the public that enforcing immigration law was a slippery slope that could lead to enforcing other laws.
Local Dad Has To Be Forcibly Removed From WW2 Air Museum
CHINO, CA — Local dad Daxton Colt was reportedly having an enjoyable day at the local World War II aviation museum before he was forcibly removed from the premises for staying way past the normal open visiting hours of 10:00AM to 4:00PM.
Catholic Scholars Confirm Purgatory Consists Of Helping Third Graders With Math For Hundreds Of Years
VATICAN CITY — Distinguished canon law scholars in the Roman Catholic church have just confirmed that Purgatory consists of helping 3rd-graders with their math homework for hundreds of years.
NBA Provides LeBron With Special Whistle To Call His Own Fouls
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a historic decision, the National Basketball Referees Association announced its intention of giving LeBron James his very own whistle to call his own fouls.
Democrats Call For An Individual Court Hearing For Everyone On Earth To Prove They Aren’t American Citizens
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As controversy swirls over the deportation of Kilmar Abrego Garcia, Democrat politicians have joined together to call for an individual court hearing for everyone on earth to prove that they aren’t American citizens.
‘Weeeeee I’m An Astronaut!’ Exclaims Katy Perry During Ride On Disneyland Astro Orbiter
ANAHEIM, CA — Singer and TV personality Katy Perry inspired dozens Thursday after declaring she was an astronaut following a brief ride on Disneyland’s Astro Orbiter.
American Hostages In Gaza Disguise Themselves As MS-13 Gang Members So Democrats Will Fight To Bring Them Home
GAZA — In a desperate attempt to return to family and friends they haven’t seen in over a year and a half, American hostages being held by Hamas reportedly disguised themselves as MS-13 gang members so Democrats would fight to bring them home to the U.S.
Trump Agrees To Bring Garcia Home If El Salvador Will Keep Cory Booker
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With controversy ongoing over a judge ordering a deported MS-13 gang member to be returned to the U.S., news broke that President Donald Trump had agreed to bring Kilmar Abrego Garcia home if El Salvador would keep Senator Cory Booker.
Maine Sues To Allow Sasquatch To Continue Competing In Women’s Sports
AUGUSTA, ME — The state of Maine has recently continued its struggle for equity by suing the federal government to allow Sasquatch to continue competing in women’s sports.
10 People We’d Like To Launch Into Space
Sorry Excuse For A Church Only Has One Service LOOOOOOOOL
RALEIGH, NC — Evangelical churchgoers in the Raleigh area have begun to notice that there is a sorry excuse for a church in town that only has one service. This has led to many people in the area pointing and laughing at Living Word Baptist Church as they…
Biden Gives Powerful Speech Reminding Nation Why He’s No Longer President
CHICAGO, IL — Former President Joe Biden delivered a heartfelt address reminding the nation precisely why he is no longer President.
Harvard Awards Honorary Degree To Man Who Firebombed Governor Shapiro’s House
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a beautiful ceremony today, Harvard University bestowed an honorary degree to the pro-Hamas activist Cody Balmer, who firebombed Governor Josh Shapiro’s home.
‘A Woman Is An Adult Human Female’ Rules U.K. Judge That Looks Suspiciously Like Matt Walsh In A Powdered Wig
LONDON — As the United Kingdom’s Supreme Court Judge issued a landmark ruling that "a woman" is defined as "an adult human female", onlookers could not help but notice that the judge looked suspiciously like Matt Walsh in a powdered wig.
9 Loopholes To Help You Avoid Paying Taxes
It’s that time of year again when everyone lets the government steal from them in the form of "taxes." But what if there were some easy tricks to avoid paying taxes altogether?