SACRAMENTO, CA — In a landmark initiative praised by advocates as a sign of tremendous progress for the handicapped community, the state of California mandated that homeowners install wheelchair ramps on all porches for disabled burglars.
Babylon Bee
Harvard Warns Loss Of Federal Funding Will Cripple Their Ability To Find A Final Solution To The Jewish Problem
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In the wake of the Trump administration freezing $2.3 billion in federal funding to Harvard University, leaders of the university are sounding the alarm that the loss of funding will severely cripple their ability to find a final solution to the Jewish Problem.
10 Reasons Women Make Better Astronauts Than Men
Though men were the first to reach for the stars, science has proven definitively that women are far better suited to the task. Consider the evidence.
Trump Summons Elon Musk To Oval Office To Help Him Open A PDF
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In another win for technical competence, Elon Musk put his technocrat skills to good use when Trump recently summoned him to the Oval Office to help him open a PDF.
Health Tip: To Beat Those Spring Allergies, Try Diving Headfirst Into A Volcano
Allergies getting you down? Medical professionals agree that the best way to take care of those pesky allergies is to dive headfirst into a volcano and die. Instantly, your allergies will be gone!
Trump Reveals He Took ‘Which Harry Potter House Are You In?’ Quiz And He’s A Gryffindor
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A specialized test used to determine which Hogwarts House a person belongs to has proven once and for all that President Trump is "smart as a whip" and a Gryffindor.
Man Sadly Informs Son After Watching ‘Return Of The Jedi’ That They Never Made Any More Star Wars Movies
BLOOMINGTON, IN — One local man had the unenviable task of ruining his child’s day, as he sadly informed his son after watching Return of the Jedi that they never made any more Star Wars movies.
Top 10 Hottest Hunks According To Taylor Lorenz
Former Washington Post journalist Taylor Lorenz cemented herself as the world’s leading style icon when she called Luigi Mangione, who murdered a healthcare CEO, a handsome and morally good person. That’s why we invited her to give us her top ten list of the hunkiest men of all…
Man Realizes Last 8 Months Of Career Could Have Been An Email
DENVER, CO — Middle Manager Colin Mears slowly realized today that the last 8 months of his career could have just been a single email.
Terrified Luigi Mangione Files Restraining Order Against Taylor Lorenz
BROOKLYN, NY — After a recent interview aired on CNN in which Taylor Lorenz fawned over the accused murderer like a giddy schoolgirl, Luigi Mangione immediately filed for a restraining order to keep Taylor Lorenz at least 100 yards away from him at all times.
Gretchen Whitmer Sneaks Into White House Again
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Days after she was unexpectedly caught meeting with President Trump in the Oval Office, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer reportedly sneaked back into the White House on Monday in far less conspicuous attire.
Donkey Entering Jerusalem Glad To Be Finally Getting Recognition He Deserves
JERUSALEM — As crowds waved palm branches and laid down their cloaks for him to walk on, a local donkey was thankful to finally be getting the recognition he always felt he deserved.
Concentration Camp Prisoners Concerned China Being Bullied By America
XINJIANG PROVINCE — Prisoners in the notorious Xinjiang concentration camp have expressed deep concern about America being such a mean bully to China.
Life Hack: Get Real Starbucks Taste At Home By Dumping Hot Water Over Cigarette Ashes
Ever wished you could recreate that signature Starbucks coffee taste at home? You can! It’s easy, inexpensive, and best of all, tastes just like Starbucks. All you need is a pot of hot water and a heaping mound of cigarette ashes.
7 Surprising Findings From Trump’s Physical
President Trump completed his annual physical at Walter Reed yesterday, earning a clean bill of health — but with a few surprises along the way. Here are the seven most shocking findings from Trump’s exam:
Apple Warns China Tariffs Could Negatively Impact Child Slave Employment Opportunities
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook warned today that heavy tariffs on Chinese imports could have a severe negative effect on employment opportunities for child slaves.
9 Things More Exciting Than Watching Golf
Thousands of people have gathered in Augusta, Georgia, this weekend to watch the Masters Tournament, with millions more set to spend their weekends watching it on television. While few things can match the frenzy and thrill of watching golf, they do exist.
‘Minecraft’ Revealed To Be Psyop To Prepare Kids For Return Of American Coal Mines
U.S. — It was revealed Friday that the popular video game Minecraft is an elaborate PSYOP orchestrated by the CIA to prepare kids for the return of American coal mining.
Get A Load Of This White-Knighting SIMP Saving A Princess From A Dragon
Get a load of this idiot white-knight SIMP trying to save a princess from a dragon. What a beta male!
Texas Bans Sale Of Assault Rifles With Capacity Of Less Than 30 Rounds
AUSTIN, TX — In a landmark move for the state, the Texas legislature overwhelmingly passed a bill to ban the sale of assault rifles that have a capacity of less than 30 rounds.
‘Man, People Are Going To LOVE Reading This One,’ Says Moses While Writing Leviticus
MOUNT SINAI — Hot off the success of Genesis and Exodus, Moses expressed confidence that everyone would love his follow-up work, Leviticus.
Republicans Vow To Get Really Serious About Cutting Spending In Like 20 Or 30 Years
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an inspiring show of commitment to the American people, congressional Republicans pledged to get really serious about cutting government spending in like 20 or 30 years.
China Trade War Update: Trump Classifies Panda Express As Domestic Terror Organization
U.S. — Following dueling tariff increases heading into the weekend, no end to the trade war between China and the United States was in sight, with the latest reports indicating that President Donald Trump had taken the situation up a notch by designating Panda Express as a domestic…
Man Can’t Wait For America To Finally Be Great Again So He Can Stop Wearing Itchy Trucker Hat
TUSTIN, CA — Louis Silverton, a longtime supporter of President Trump, says he can’t wait for America to finally be great again so he can stop wearing this itchy trucker hat.
Protesters Remain Unaffected By Trump’s Shower Head Deregulation
U.S. — According to sources, leftist protesters around the nation remain totally unaffected by President Donald Trump’s deregulation of shower heads.
Israelite King Would Just Once Like Prophets To Say God Is Pleased and Everything Is Dandy
SAMARIA — According to insiders, King Ahab of Israel lamented a recent meeting he had with the prophet Elijah, admitting that just once he would like the prophets to say God is pleased and that everything is fine and dandy.
Local Man Can’t Wait To Get Out There And Suck At Golf Again
LEAWOOD, KS — The warmer spring temperatures sweeping across the nation were met with excitement, as a local man told everyone he saw that he couldn’t wait to get out there and suck at golf again.
Democrats Worried Trump May Not Have China’s Best Interests At Heart
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As public debate intensified over the growing global trade uncertainty, prominent Democrats expressed concern that President Trump may not have China’s best interests at heart.
Man Checks News To See Whether Retirement Account Bankrupt Or Has A Million Dollars
RICHMOND, VA — As part of a new morning routine, local man Reggie Hayes checked the news to see if his retirement account had vanished or whether he was now a millionaire.
White Sox Introduce New Premium Indoor Suites With No Windows So You Don’t Have To Watch The White Sox Play
CHICAGO, IL — Devoted White Sox fans were overjoyed last week to discover that Rate Field had just been fully renovated to include new premium indoor suites with no windows so that you don’t have to watch the White Sox play.