Following their successful attack on a local church service, ICE protestors are reportedly prepping for even more assaults. According to one anonymous source, social justice warriors have nine new places in mind.
Babylon Bee
Pentecostal Church Doesn’t Notice Riot Is Occurring
ST. PAUL, MN — According to sources, membership at a local pentecostal church failed to notice when protestors stormed the building and began screaming at everyone because it wasn’t at all dissimilar from a typical pentecostal service.
Don Lemon Immediately Bursts Into Flames Upon Entering Church
SAINT PAUL, MN — An already traumatic incident turned even worse on Sunday, as former CNN personality and apparent left-wing protest ringleader Don Lemon immediately burst into flames upon entering a church.
Pam Bondi Promises To Prosecute Minnesota Rioters As Soon As She Finishes Releasing All Those Epstein Files
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the American public demanding action be taken by the government in response to aggressive and violent leftist protests across the country, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi promised to prosecute Minnesota rioters as soon as she finishes releasing all those Epstein files.
Antifa Protests Violence By Viciously Beating Bystanders
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Anitfa has flooded the streets of Minneapolis to protest against violence by viciously beating innocent bystanders.
7 Things To Say When Called On In Bible Class When You Weren’t Paying Attention
You were deeply lost in a daydream right in the middle of Bible class when – oh no! The professor is calling your name to answer a question about… something. Here are the ten best things to say if you find yourself in this terrible situation:
Fellow Pop-Tarts Gather To Bow Down Before Preeminent Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts
BROKEN BOW, OK — In a beautiful scene, fellow Pop-Tarts gathered on a kitchen table this morning to bow down and pay homage to a box of Brown Sugar Cinnamon, undisputed king of the Pop-Tarts.
Trump Challenges Danish Prime Minister To Ping Pong Match, Winner Gets Greenland
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has officially challenged Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen to a ping pong match, winner takes Greenland.
Trump Holds Oval Office Summit With Prominent Muslim Leader
WASHINGTON, D.C — According to sources, President Donald Trump met with a prominent Muslim leader in the Oval Office on Friday to discuss the ongoing protests and unrest in Iran.
To Save Time, Journalists Now Only Reporting On Any Free Agents The Dodgers Did Not Sign
U.S. — To improve efficiency with their time management, sports journalists covering Major League Baseball announced that they would now only report on any free agents the Los Angeles Dodgers do not sign to their team.