As kids, few gifts were more cherished than a new set of little plastic army men. We spent hundreds of hours recreating all sorts of battles, and the reality is that some of these little guys are made for glory, and others are doomed for destruction. Here are…
Babylon Bee
Bill Belichick Puts Girlfriend In Pack ‘N Play Until Practice Is Over
CHAPEL HILL, NC — One of the most successful football coaches brushed off the recent media controversy and finally got back to the important business of putting together his team, as Bill Belichick put his girlfriend in a Pack ‘n Play until practice was over.
Media Says No Evidence Demon-Horned Man With Sith Tattoos And Red Lightsaber A Member Of The Sith
CORUSCANT — Despite rampant allegations regarding the appearance of a dark-robed figure engaging in nefarious activities on various star systems, the media maintained that there was no evidence that indicated the demon-horned man with Sith tattoos all over his face and body and wielding a red-bladed lightsaber was…
Parents Distraught After Finding Soccer Ball Under Son’s Bed
GLADEWATER — Local parents Carl and Patricia Nootsen are reportedly distraught after discovering a soccer ball under their son’s bed.
Heaven Issues Clarification That God Will Answer All Prayers But This Doesn’t Mean He’ll Give You Force Powers
HEAVEN — Sources close to the High Throne of Heaven confirmed that God does indeed hear all your prayers, but that doesn’t mean that He’ll give you Force powers, even if you ask really hard.
Kamala Harris Livestream Speech Will Charge $25 To Use Mute Button
U.S. — An upcoming live-streamed speech by former Vice President Kamala Harris will reportedly charge viewers $25 to mute her.
Newly Discovered Third Epistle To Timothy Features Paul Warning Him Against Starting A Podcast
EPHESUS — An ancient document discovered in the region of Ephesus may be a long-lost third letter to Timothy, where Paul warns the young preacher not to start a podcast, say researchers.
Global Birth Rates Hit Historic Lows As Elon Musk Busy With DOGE
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A group of prominent sociologists sounded an alarm this week, citing new data that indicated global fertility rates had hit historic lows while Elon Musk was busy with DOGE.
9 Changes New Prime Minister Will Bring To Canada
Mark Carney defeated conservative challenger Pierre Poilievre in Canada’s 2025 federal election to become the next Prime Minister of America’s 51st state. What exactly does he have planned for The Great White North?
Europe Promises To Get The Electricity Back Up ASAP So Everyone Can Hear The Muslim Calls To Prayer
LISBON — Following massive power grid failures that plunged multiple countries into blackouts, Europe promised its citizens it would get electricity back up as soon as possible so everyone would be able to hear the Muslim call to prayer over the loudspeakers.
Wife Beginning To Suspect Husband’s Thoughtful, Relevant Responses To Her Texts Might Be A.I. Generated
STOCKTON, CA — According to sources, local wife Sue Page is beginning to suspect that her husband’s thoughtful and relevant responses to her texts might be A.I. generated.
Canada Surpasses California As State With Most Liberal Governor
OTTAWA — The status quo among America’s red and blue states was shaken up last night, as with the election of Mark Carney, Canada officially surpassed California as the state with the most liberal governor.
Women Shocked To Learn Pill Designed To Murder Babies Might Not Be Safe
SEATTLE — Women across the country have been shocked to learn that mifepristone and misoprostol, pills designed to murder babies in the womb, might not be all that safe.
With No Pope to Oversee Them, Cardinals Stay Up All Night Playing Goldeneye And Building Pillow Forts
VATICAN CITY — With no pope to oversee them, the College of Cardinals has been staying up every night playing Goldeneye 007 and building pillow forts, according to Vatican insiders.
Democrats Hold Candlelight Vigil In Front Of Illegal Immigrant Mug Shots
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional leaders held a solemn ceremony in the nation’s capital today, as Democratic senators arrived at the White House to hold a candlelight vigil in front of migrant gang mug shots.
Trump Issues New Striped Robes For Federal Judges
U.S. — Members of the judiciary were revealed to be sporting a new look, as President Donald Trump issued new striped robes to be worn by federal judges.
Joe Biden Arrested For Harboring 11 Million Illegal Aliens
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Former President Joe Biden was placed under arrest today for harboring just over eleven million illegal immigrants.
Behold! New Babylon Bee Merch Has Arrived
Glad tidings! Your favorite fake news outlet just loaded up its store with BRAND NEW merch, and it’s all guaranteed 100% tariff free.
Trump Stuns Pope Funeral Attendees With Breathtaking Rendition Of ‘Ave Maria’
VATICAN CITY — In a stirring tribute to Pope Francis, President Donald Trump took to the microphone during the pontiff’s funeral services and stunned attendees by singing a gorgeous, captivating a capella rendition of "Ave Maria".
Shedeur Sanders Drafted By McDonald’s In 3rd Round
GREEN BAY, WI — After free falling out of the first two rounds, Shedeur Sanders finally heard his name called as McDonald’s drafted him in the third round as a fry cook.
FBI Agents Discover 17 More Illegals Hiding In Judge Dugan’s Robe
MILWAUKEE, WI — While being questioned by authorities following her arrest, FBI agents discovered 17 more illegal aliens hiding in the back of County Circuit Judge Hannah Dugan’s robes.
Man Saves Hundreds Of Thousands In Student Loans By Just Learning How To Hate Jews On The Internet
MILLVILLE, NJ — According to sources, college dropout Jack Doulton saved hundreds of thousands of dollars on student loans by simply learning how to hate Jews online for free.
‘Christianity Today’ Announces It Has Converted To Islam
CAROL STREAM, IL — Long-running religious magazine and online publication Christianity Today announced on Friday that it had converted to Islam.
Federal Judge Travels Back In Time To Overturn Trump’s Birth
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to newly released court documents, a federal judge invented time travel and transported himself to New York in 1946 so he could overturn President Donald Trump’s birth.
Player Drafted By Cleveland Browns Decides To Just Retire Instead
GREEN BAY, WI — A promising young athlete who was drafted by the Cleveland Browns has reportedly decided to just retire.
Ignorant Kids Have No Idea How Cool Dad Is
SLIDELL, LA — According to sources, the children of local father Jaxon Holt are completely ignorant of how cool their dad is.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson Debunks 12 Popular Song Lyrics
Music, while thoroughly enjoyable and a beautiful form of artistic expression, is often full of logical fallacies and outright misinformation. Having an expert separate the truth from the lies can be helpful.
Sad: This Guy Spent $500k On Ivy League Education And All He Knows How To Do Is Chant ‘Free Palestine’
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local man Asher Grayson, who recently graduated from Harvard with a degree in neuroscience, confessed he feels woefully unprepared to join the workforce because the only thing he knows how to do is chant "Free Palestine!"
‘You’re Going To Make It,’ Says TV ER Doctor To Patient Who’s Definitely Going To Die At The End Of The Episode
U.S. — A new episode of hit hospital drama Danger Hospital started with a bang an ER doctor told a patient who was definitely going to die by the end of the episode that they were going to make it.
Support Grows For Requiring Supreme Court Justices To Pass Cognitive Tests
U.S. — As audio clips of another round of oral arguments made their way across social media, results of a new poll revealed that support continued to grow for requiring Supreme Court justices to pass cognitive tests in order to serve.