EARTH — Health enthusiasts received exciting news this week, as God introduced a new hydrating, zero-sugar beverage that has absolutely no artificial dyes, no carbs, and is completely devoid of any calories.
Babylon Bee
South American Countries Outraged At Being Flooded With Own Citizens
EL SALVADOR — As Trump’s deportation efforts continue, leaders from several South American countries have expressed their outrage at having their sovereign countries flooded by an influx of their own citizens.
9 Exciting New Dye-Free Foods Coming In The Wake Of RFK’s Ban
With RFK Jr.’s artificial dye ban being pushed into effect as soon as possible, corporations were sent scrambling to bring their products into compliance, resulting in a slew of new food items that will be hitting store shelves near you.
Trump’s Skin Returns To Normal Human Color After Ban On Artificial Dyes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The leader of the free world was sporting a new look this morning, as witnesses noticed that President Donald Trump’s skin had returned to normal human color just one day after HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. began phasing out artificial dyes.
Husband Solemnly Informs Wife They Must Do Their Part To Help Nation’s Falling Birthrate
NASHVILLE, TN — Local husband Matt Wilhelm dimmed the lights and put on some soft jazz to ease the tension as he solemnly told his wife they must do their part to improve the nation’s falling birthrate.
False Alarm: Smoke Coming From Vatican Just Cardinal Steve Accidentally Burning Toast Again
VATICAN CITY — Millions excitedly awaited the imminent announcement of the new Pope after smoke poured out of the Vatican this morning, only to learn it was just Cardinal Steve burning the toast again.
Easter Bunny Dead After Meeting With JD Vance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Inside sources confirmed the grim news this morning that the Easter Bunny was found dead yesterday, having passed away only days after having a scheduled meeting with Vice President JD Vance.
White House Tells Americans To Reply ‘STOP’ If They No Longer Wish To Receive Hegseth’s Texts About Upcoming Military Strikes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has advised every American to reply "STOP" if they no longer wish to receive texts about upcoming military strikes from Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.
CNN: Behind Closed Doors, Pope Is Still Focused, Sharp, And Energetic
VATICAN CITY — CNN journalists on the ground at the Vatican are reporting that behind closed doors, Pope Francis remains focused, sharp, and brimming with energy.
After Food Dye Ban, Fruity Pebbles To Be Changed To Whitey Pebbles
U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its "Fruity Pebbles" cereal to the more compliant "Whitey Pebbles."
Democrats Begin Chugging Artificial Food Dyes To Protest RFK
U.S. — On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest.
For First Time In History, Supreme Court Has 5 Female Justices
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A special ceremony was scheduled to be held today to mark the historic occasion, as for the first time in history, the United States Supreme Court has five female justices.
Next Pope To Be Chosen Via Ninja Warrior Obstacle Course
ROME — Following the death of Pope Francis this week, official sources at the Vatican have confirmed that the next pope will be chosen by ninja warrior obstacle course.
10 Frontrunners To Be The Next Pope
Following the passing of Pope Francis, the Catholic Church is now deep into the process of electing a new leader. While various media outlets claim to have lists of potential candidates, only The Babylon Bee has obtained the short list of true frontrunners.
MS-13 Added To LGBTQ Acronym
U.S. — In yet another step toward the advancement of protections for all people groups, activists announced today that MS-13 had officially been added to the LGBTQ+ acronym to ensure that the rights of violent foreign gang members were recognized.
Woman Hears Trumpets Indicating Christ’s Return, Frantically Begins Cleaning House
FORREST CITY, AR — According to sources, the trumpet call announcing the glorious return of Christ has sounded throughout the earth, leading local woman Amber Clark to begin frantically cleaning her home.
Christianity Today: ‘Jesus May Not Have Existed And The Bible Is A Lie And God Is Dead’
CAROL STREAM, IL — An article published by Christianity Today calls into question the existence of Jesus, argues that the Bible is a lie, and says God is dead.
Catholic Church To Consider Electing Pope Who’s A Catholic This Time
VATICAN CITY — Following the death of Pope Francis, cardinals within the Roman Catholic Church have expressed interest in electing a pope who’s actually Catholic this time.
Dalai Lama Quietly Cancels Scheduled Meeting With JD Vance
DHARAMSHALA — After the sad news broke that Pope Francis had passed away just hours after meeting the U.S. Vice President, the Dalai Lama quietly canceled his scheduled meeting with JD Vance.
Life Hack: In Lieu Of Reading Book Of Revelation, Just Go Outside And Watch It Happen
Have you ever wished you could experience the Bible firsthand? Have you ever found the book of Revelation to be confusing and challenging to understand? A game-changing new life hack aims to solve both of these problems at the same time!
To Overrule The Supreme Court, Trump Establishes New Ultra Supreme Mega Court
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a frustrating string of judicial roadblocks that have hindered his agenda, President Donald Trump announced a move to overrule the United States Supreme Court by establishing the new Ultra Supreme Mega Court.
Awkward Start As Saint Peter Asks Francis If He Can Have His Pope Hat Back
GLORY — The afterlife of one of the world’s most prominent religious figures got off to an awkward start today, as Saint Peter reportedly asked the newly arrived Francis if he could have his pope hat back.
Did Dad Get A Glow Up? Yep, That’s A Sexy New Plaid Shirt From Walmart
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In a stunning transformation, local dad Greg Thompson debuted a head-turning glow-up this weekend with a brand-new plaid shirt from Walmart’s clearance rack.
People Who Bypassed Legal Process In Migrating To USA Demand Legal Process Before Being Kicked Out
U.S. — According to sources, several individuals who bypassed the legal process in migrating to the United States are demanding due process before being deported.
Roman Authorities Investigating Jesus For Violating Stay-In-Tomb Order
JERUSALEM—Roman authorities are investigating controversial religious leader Jesus of Nazareth for violating the Empire's clear "stay in tomb" order. After crucifying him and laying him in the tomb, Roman guards put Him under strict orders to stay there and not come back, rising victorious over sin and death.
St. John Signs Lucrative Nike Endorsement After Beating St. Peter To Tomb
JUDEA — Saint John the Apostle has reportedly signed a lucrative six figure deal with Nike following his win against Saint Peter in a footrace to the tomb of Jesus.
Jackpot: Local Church Has Organ, Hymnals, Male Pastor
PLANO, TX — After moving to Plano and spending weeks searching for a new church home, Dan and Cyndi Badeen hit the jackpot when they walked into St. Paul’s Lutheran and found hymnals, an organ, and a male pastor.
Family Arriving For Easter Service Surprised How Different Church Looks Without The Christmas Decorations
ATLANTA, GA — As the Glennon family walked into church for Easter service today, they were caught off guard by how different the church looked without Christmas decorations.
Matt Walsh Jumps Out Of Bushes At Easter Egg Hunt To Inform The Kids Bunnies Laying Eggs Is Biologically Impossible
NASHVILLE, TN — A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it’s biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
Roman Soldier Assigned To Guard Tomb Of Some Jewish Carpenter Looking Forward To Uneventful Weekend
JERUSALEM—Local Roman soldier Plinius was given his guard assignment for the weekend and was delighted to see he'd been entrusted with guarding the tomb of "some Jewish carpenter guy," as he'd be able to get some shut-eye and have a nice, relaxing weekend.