U.S. — To improve efficiency with their time management, sports journalists covering Major League Baseball announced that they would now only report on any free agents the Los Angeles Dodgers do not sign to their team.
Babylon Bee
9 Easy Ways To Avoid Getting Attacked By Law Enforcement
Civilians having encounters with law enforcement have been all over the news lately, leading some people to wonder what they can do to avoid aggressive treatment from police and federal agents.
Trump Warns Minnesota If The Riots Don’t Stop He Will Start Posting In All-Caps
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump warned this week that if the Minnesota government is unable to get the riots under control, he will be forced to start posting online using all-caps.
Kathleen Kennedy Sad To Leave Lucasfilm Before She Got The Chance To Make A Trilogy About Rey’s First Period
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Kathleen Kennedy was reportedly very sad to leave Lucasfilm before she had the chance to make a trilogy of Star Wars movies about Rey getting her first period.
‘Shhh… You’ll Get Your Chance Soon,’ Says Trump Soothing B-2 Bombers In Hangar
TUSCON, AZ — During a routine aircraft inspection at the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group at Davis-Monthan Air Force Base, inspectors witnessed President Trump approach a Northrop B-2 Spirit stealth bomber and gently caress it while whispering, "Shhh… you’ll get your chance soon."
Minnesota Changes Official State Bird To Screaming Lesbian
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Following recent developments stemming from political protests and clashes with the federal government across the state, Minnesota announced that it had changed the official state bird to a screaming lesbian.
Trump Delays Iran Attack Until Consulting With Whoopi Goldberg
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to an anonymous White House source, a U.S. military strike on Iran had been delayed until President Donald Trump could consult with Whoopi Goldberg.
New Starfleet Vessel Unable To Reach Warp Speed Because Crew Is Too Fat
SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER — The exploration of other strange, new worlds and the seeking out of new life and new civilizations hit an unexpected snag this week, as Starfleet’s newest vessel was reportedly unable to reach warp speed because the crew was too fat.
Listen Up, Ladies! Here Are 9 Beauty Tips To Help You Attract A Hunky Conservative Dude
Every woman wants a hunky, conservative dude to marry. The hard part is knowing how to attract them.
Listen Up, Ladies! Here Are 8 Beauty Tips To Help You Attract A Hunky Conservative Dude
Every woman wants a hunky, conservative dude to marry. The hard part is knowing how to attract them.