With the announcement that he is withdrawing from the Minnesota governor’s race, Tim Walz is on the hunt for a new career. Fortunately, The Babylon Bee has come up with the following list of jobs he’d be absolutely fabulous for:
Babylon Bee
Family Stages Intervention Over 40-Year-Old Dad’s Skinny Jeans
DANSVILLE, NY — The Rodgers family reportedly recruited a social worker to help moderate what turned out to be an emotional intervention for Steve Rodgers, a 40-year-old man who has persisted in wearing skinny jeans.
Maduro Now Polling As Most Popular Democrat
U.S. — The 2028 presidential race took a surprising turn this week following the events that took place in Venezuela, as the latest round of polling showed that deposed dictator Nicolas Maduro had taken the early primary lead as the most popular Democrat.
White House Announces Over 1,000,000 New Jobs Were Created In December But They Were All Filled By Marco Rubio
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced that job creation in December blew past expectations, with over one million new jobs being created in just one month. However, the unemployment rate remained unchanged, as every single one of the jobs was filled by Marco Rubio.
Game Of Candy Land Testing Dad’s Commitment To Dry January
LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local dad Matt Carver has found his commitment to doing "Dry January" severely tested by a game of Candy Land with his three-year-old daughter Kaitlyn.
Greenland Panics As Marco Rubio Seen Donning Parka
NUUK — Greenland has descended into panic after U.S. Secretary of State was photographed donning a heavy parka.
Libertarian Politician Googles ‘What Is The Absolute Dumbest Take Possible’ Before Deciding What Side Of Issue To Come Down On
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the fallout of recent events, witnesses on Capitol Hill reported seeing one Libertarian politician Googling "What is the absolute dumbest take possible?" before deciding what side of an issue to come down on.
Awkward: Biden Forced To Pay Trump The $25 Million Bounty For Capturing Maduro
WILMINGTON, DE — With the successful military operation to topple the authoritarian Venezuelan government, former President Joe Biden was notified that he was being forced to pay Donald Trump the $25 million bounty his administration had put in place for capturing Nicolas Maduro.
Parenting Tip: Limit Your Child To Just 4 Hours Of Brain Rot Slop Each Day
U.S. — Experts are now recommending parents limit their children to just four hours of brain-rotting slop each day to better prepare them for the future.
Trump In High-Speed Chase From International Cops After Breaking International Law
SOMEWHERE IN THE NEVADA DESERT — U.S. President Donald Trump was spotted fleeing from international cops in a high-speed chase after allegedly breaking international law again.