NEW YORK, NY — The leader of America’s most prominent city experienced a family crisis today, as reports indicated that New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani’s aunt felt slightly uncomfortable at a supermarket in the wake of the Australian Islamic terror attack.
Babylon Bee
Kid Who Didn’t Practice For Christmas Choir Immediately Obvious
FLINT, MI — Parishioners of St. John’s Lutheran Church say it was immediately obvious which kid didn’t practice for the children’s Christmas choir this year.
Australian Man Who Wrestled Gun Away From Terrorist Charged With Unlawful Firearm Possession
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — A heroic man who bravely wrestled away a rifle from an Islamic terrorist during the deadly shooting at Bondi Beach on Sunday has been formally charged with the unlawful possession of a firearm.
To Halt Violence Against Jews, Australia Bans Hanukkah
MELBOURNE — To stem the growing tide of violence against Jewish citizens, the Australian government has moved to officially ban the celebration of Hanukkah.
FAKE NEWS: Media Reports Mass Shooting In Australia But That’s Impossible Because Guns Are Illegal There
WORLD — Fake news media across the globe have reported that a mass shooting occurred in Australia, which is literally impossible because guns are illegal there.
Sick Husband Taken Care Of By Sicker Wife
RICHMOND, KY — Local husband Kevin Manthei fell ill over the weekend, requiring constant care and attention from his wife Bethany, who is currently much more ill.
Candace Owens Honors Charlie Kirk’s Legacy By Doing Everything In Her Power To Destroy It
U.S. — Podcaster and amateur sleuth Candace Owens has vowed to honor Charlie Kirk’s legacy by doing everything in her power to destroy it.
12 Fun Activities That Are Less Likely To Destroy Your Family Than ‘Monopoly’
Countless families have been destroyed by games of Monopoly gone awry. Don’t let that happen to you.
Trump Advice for Families Struggling This Christmas: Your Kids Are Bad So Maybe They Don’t Deserve Presents
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has just one message for American families struggling economically this Christmas: "Your kids are bad, so maybe they don’t deserve presidents."
Reminder: Santa Wants Gluten In His Cookies
U.S. — As Christmas Eve approaches, decorations adorn the tree, and bands of carolers prepare to roam the streets, an urgent message arrived from the North Pole to remind everyone not to forget that Santa Claus wants gluten in his cookies.