WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another stage in the escalating trade conflict with China, President Donald Trump issued a statement insisting that the next Chinese pandemic be made in America.
Babylon Bee
Wife Confident Just One More Stanley Cup Will Fill God-Shaped Hole In Her Heart
FORT WORTH, TX — Local wife and mother Sienna Danner already has a collection of 70 Stanley tumblers, but expressed confidence that just one more might be exactly what she needed to fill the God-shaped hole in her heart.
Christian Nationalist Asks St. Peter To Direct Him To ‘Whites-Only’ Section Of Heaven
PEARLY GATES — According to Heavenly sources, Saint Peter had an unexpected run-in this week with a self-proclaimed Christian nationalist, who asked the apostle to kindly direct him to the "whites-only" section of Heaven.
Announcement: The Babylon Bee Is Now A Full-Service Restaurant And All Our Writers Are Compensated Entirely With Tips
ANNOUNCEMENT: The Babylon Bee is no longer a satire website. After months of strategy meetings and lots of thinking really hard, we have decided to pivot to becoming a full-service restaurant empire. In light of this change, all our writers and other staffers will now be known as…
Report: Somewhere In Alternate Universe President Ron Paul Overseeing America’s Next Golden Age
WASHINGTON, D.C., EARTH 741 — Recently obtained reports indicated that, somewhere in a parallel universe, President of the United States Ron Paul was currently overseeing the dawn of America’s next golden age.
Colorado Rockies Lose To Savannah Bananas 57-0
DENVER, CO — What had already been an abysmal start to the 2025 season reached a new low last night, as the struggling Colorado Rockies lost to the Savannah Bananas by a final score of 57-0.
Mormon Fakes Own Death So Everyone Will Make Funeral Potatoes
PROVO, UT — A local member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Brigham Smith, reportedly faked his own death in hopes of getting someone to bring him a pan of delicious Mormon Funeral Potatoes.
Biden Family Worried They May Be Running Out Of Time To Exploit Joe
GREENVILLE, DE — Following the recent announcement of Joe Biden’s stage 4 prostate cancer diagnosis, sources reported that Biden family members had grown increasingly worried that they were running out of time to exploit the former president.
New Streaming Service For Church Of Christ Members Filters Out All Musical Instruments
MERIDIAN, MI — A new streaming service designed for the more conservative and legalistic members of the Churches of Christ was announced Wednesday that would use artificial intelligence to digitally remove musical instruments from popular movies and TV shows.
Democrats Considering New Strategy Of Complaining Loudly Every Day About Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Embattled after a difficult first several months of 2025, Democrats were reported to be considering a brilliant new strategy of complaining loudly every day about President Donald Trump.
11 Statements That Are Not Protected By The First Amendment
The First Amendment protects most forms of speech. But did you know that there are certain things even the Constitution does not allow? It’s true. Here are 11 statements that can get you in trouble with the law:
Trump Forces South African President To Watch Entirety Of ‘Home Alone 2’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House aides were reportedly caught off guard today as President Donald Trump abruptly dimmed the lights in the Oval Office and forced the visiting South African president to watch the entirety of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
Get A Load Of This FAILURE Of A Baseball Player Who Couldn’t Hit The Ball Almost 70% Of The Time
If you’re having trouble feeling confident about your abilities, do yourself a favor and check out this total loser who completely failed at his job 7 out of every 10 times he tried to do it. Talk about the perfect example of ineptitude and incompetence.
Congress Split Between Those Who Want To Spend A Ridiculous Amount And Those Who Want To Spend An Even More Ridiculous Amount
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As debate continued over President Donald Trump’s "big, beautiful bill," the United States Congress was said to be split between those who want to spend a ridiculous amount of money and those who want to spend an even more ridiculous amount of money.
Oops: Pastor Accidentally Includes ChatGPT Prompts From When He Asked It To Write His Sermon
IRVINE, CA — Local Associate Pastor Mark Sullivan took a leave of absence following a disastrous Sunday service in which he presented a message that mistakenly included his prompts to ChatGPT asking it to write his sermon for him.
FBI Determines Abraham Lincoln Killed Himself
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite 160 years of overwhelming evidence that pointed to foul play in the first assassination of an American president, the leaders of the Federal Bureau of Investigation revealed that they had now determined that Abraham Lincoln killed himself.
No Tax On Tips Passes Senate Unanimously After Clarification That Bribes Can Count As Tips
WASHINGTON, D.C. — IN a rare display of full bipartisan support, President Donald Trump’s "No Tax On Tips" bill passed through the Senate unanimously after legislators received clarification that bribes can count as tips.
Which Apostle Are You? Take The Quiz!
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Nancy Mace Says She’ll Release As Much Naked Footage Of Herself As It Takes To Fight Exploitation Of Women
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a daring act of resistance, Rep. Nancy Mace has recently announced that she will release as much naked footage of herself as it takes to fight the exploitation of women.
If There’s A Good And Loving God, Why Did He Make Me So Annoying? – Op-Ed By Atheist
Okay, Christians, if your god is "so loving," then why would he create someone as annoying as me? I bet you can’t answer that question.
Man Thanks God He Is Not Like These Sorry Churchgoers All Around Him Who Can’t Sing A Harmony
OMAHA, NE — Sources close to Peter Wilfred report that the 30-year-old got down on his knees last Sunday to thank God that he wasn’t like all the sorry churchgoers around him who can’t sing a harmony.
Chicago Mayor Insists He Has Never Discriminated Against White-Boy Honky Crackers
CHICAGO, IL — Following a deluge of allegations of racist hiring practices to fill city official jobs, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson issued a statement insisting that he had never once discriminated against white-boy honky crackers.
10 Jobs That Are Totally Safe From Being Replaced By A.I.
As artificial intelligence continues to evolve at a rapid rate, many people have found themselves wondering how far it will go and how many human beings will lose their jobs to the machines.
Donald Trump Declares War On Mexico After Attack On Brooklyn Bridge
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just days after a catastrophic incident involving a sailing vessel belonging to the Mexican navy, President Donald Trump held a press conference to declare war on Mexico for its flagrant attack on the Brooklyn Bridge.
Caitlin Clark Indicted For Murder After Fouling Angel Reese
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — What had been hailed as a potentially Hall of Fame career was cut short at the start of just its second season, as WNBA superstar Caitlin Clark was indicted for murder after fouling Angel Reese.
Experts Say AI Unlikely To Replace Government Bureaucrats As It’s Not Soulless Enough
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a welcome bit of good news for government bureaucrats hiding out from DOGE, experts have determined that AI is unlikely to replace their jobs any time soon, as it’s not soulless enough.
Alarming: Thanks To Public School Funding Cuts, This Five-Year-Old Student Doesn’t Know All The Variant Sexual Lusts Adults Can Have
ANAHEIM, CA — The effects of cutbacks to public school funding for teaching children about the myriad types of gross deviants there are in the world began to be felt this week, as one five-year-old student was found not to know all the variant sexual lusts adults can…
Karine Jean-Pierre Insists Joe Biden Is Cancer-Free
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the shocking announcement that he was suffering from stage 4 prostate cancer, former White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre insisted that Joe Biden was 100% cancer-free.
Far-Right Christian Extremists Pray For Joe Biden
DOVER, DE — In a horrifying display of what could be growing Christian Nationalism, a group of far-right Christian extremists gathered earlier today to pray for former President Joseph Biden.
Guy Who Invented Dip & Squeeze Ketchup Packaging Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
OSLO — The world-altering genius of one man was unanimously recognized on the global stage this week with the highest and most prestigious honor possible, as the guy who invented "Dip & Squeeze" ketchup packaging was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.