With Mattel’s introduction of a Barbie doll with Type 1 diabetes, the toy industry was abuzz with rumors of other inclusive Barbie dolls that could be on the way.
Babylon Bee
Jesus’s Defense Lawyer Facepalms As Client Says ‘Yes, I Am The Messiah, And You Will See The Son Of Man Sitting At The Right Hand Of The Mighty One And Coming On The Clouds Of Heaven.’
JERUSALEM — A Galilean teacher arrested just outside the city during the night reportedly frustrated his court-appointed public defense lawyer during a Sanhedrin trial, after he stood before Caiaphas and proclaimed: "Yes, I am the Messiah, and you will see the son of man sitting at the right…
New WNBA Video Game Adds Option To Shiv Caitlin Clark
U.S. — In a feature that fans praised for bringing a new level of realism to the playing experience, developers of the WNBA mode for the new NBA 2K26 added an option to shiv Caitlin Clark.
Disaster: Liberal Goes Back In Time To Kill Hitler But Now Has No One To Compare People He Disagrees With To
GENEVA — History was unmade this week after a time traveler went back in time to kill Adolf Hitler to prevent World War II and the extermination of six million Jews. However, in a cruel twist of fate, he now had no one to compare people he disagrees…
Republicans Unveil Debt Plan: Transfer Balance To Capital One Credit Card With 0% Intro APR
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that experts said could finally resolve the deficit crisis once and for all, congressional Republicans unveiled a new debt plan to transfer the balance to a Capital One credit card with a 0% intro APR.
Former White House Doctor Denies Ever Knowing A “Joe Biden”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Physician Dr. Kevin O’Connor, who served from 2020-2024, testified this morning that he has never known any person by the name of "Joe Biden."
Gone Woke: New Jurassic Park Movie Has A Woman In It
U.S. — In just the latest example of the woke virus takeover, the newest installment of the Jurassic Park franchise will reportedly have a woman in it.
After TSA Policy Change, Production Finally Resumes At Crazy Mohammed’s Shoe Bomb Factory
DAMASCUS — Following the announcement by the Transportation Security Administration that the policy requiring airline passengers to remove their footwear at airport checkpoints was being lifted, news broke that production had finally resumed at Crazy Mohammed’s Shoe Bomb Factory.
Mattel Introduces New ‘Ozempic Barbie’ With Syringe And Detachable Belly
U.S. — Toy maker Mattel has unveiled the latest in its Barbie lineup, the all-new "Ozempic Barbie" that comes with real syringes and a detachable belly for when the initially-chubby Barbie sheds that weight.
Ilhan Omar Announces Engagement To Grok
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Ilhan Omar announced this morning that she is officially engaged to the artificial intelligence system known as Grok.
Man’s Faith In God Shaken After Prayer For Lightsaber Goes Unanswered
HUNTSVILLE, AL — Local man Brad Sharp had his faith in God shaken to its core after his prayer for a real, functioning lightsaber went unanswered.
TSA Announces Passengers No Longer Have To Remove Their Shoes Before Being Fondled
SPRINGFIELD, VA — The Transport Security Agency has officially announced that passengers will no longer have to remove their shoes before being publicly fondled.
7 Totally Plausible Explanations For What Happened To The Epstein List On Pam Bondi’s Desk
Attorney General Pam Bondi is in hot water today after the Epstein list that was "on her desk" a few months ago somehow went missing. Before you start attacking Bondi though, consider these seven totally reasonable explanations for what might have happened:
‘There Is No Epstein Client List,’ Say Epstein’s Clients
WORLD — Concerned citizens of nations around the world breathed a collective sigh of relief this week, as the individuals who comprised Jeffrey Epstein’s client list assured everyone that there was no Epstein client list.
Pastor Gently Informs Worship Leader That The ‘Thunderstruck’ Riff Is Not An Appropriate Intro For ‘Great Is Thy Faithfulness’
COLUMBUS, OH — Pastor Weyland Benjamins of Mt. Olivet Baptist Church was forced to gently reprimand the church’s worship leader yesterday by informing him that the "Thunderstruck" riff is not an appropriate intro to "Great Is Thy Faithfulness."
Bondi Explains She Was Going To Release The Epstein Files But Then Some Pedophiles Asked Her Not To
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi explained today that she was really going to release all of the Epstein files, but some pedophiles asked her to please not.
James Gunn Releases Film About The Importance Of Accepting Morally Upstanding, White Immigrants Who Speak Perfect English
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an unexpected twist for the Hollywood movie industry, director James Gunn proudly released a film about the importance of accepting morally upstanding white immigrants who speak perfect English.
Man Wants However Many Deportations Are Needed For Him To No Longer Have To Press 1 For English
MILWAUKEE, WI — Sources close to local man Jackson Trent say he just wants however many deportations are needed for him to no longer have to push 1 for English.
Serial Killer Out Of Job As Local Planned Parenthood Closes
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The effects of the Trump administration’s sweeping reforms in government funding have trickled down to different industries, as a serial killer found himself out of a job after a local Planned Parenthood was forced to close its doors.
Furious Newsom Says He Won’t Stand Silently By While Trump Fixes California
SACRAMENTO, CA — As the federal government takes steps to attempt to solve a myriad of problems facing the Golden State, a furious Governor Gavin Newsom told reporters he won’t stand silently by while Trump fixes California.
11 Celebs Who Have Joined Elon’s America Party
A new chapter in history was written last week, as Elon Musk formed the America Party as a foil to the Republican-Democratic "uniparty" system. Some of the big names who have already jumped on board may surprise you.
Ads Briefly Interrupted By Mobile Game
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local man Gary Nielson was having a great time on his phone, until the ads he was watching were briefly yet rudely interrupted by the mobile game "Tetris Blast."
Man’s Christian Love For Humanity Shattered By Trip To The Airport
CHICAGO, IL — The world around a local man seemed to grow even colder and dimmer as he expressed feeling that his Christian love for humanity had been shattered after he took a trip to the airport.
Biblical Prophecy Fulfilled? Chick-Fil-A Opens New Temple Mount Location
JERUSALEM — In a possible fulfillment of Biblical prophecy, Chick-fil-A has just opened a new location on the Temple Mount.
Pam Bondi Confirms Ark Of The Covenant Sitting On Her Desk Waiting To Be Reviewed
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the world waited with bated breath to learn about the contents of the ancient biblical artifact, U.S. Attorney General Pam Pondi made an official statement confirming that the Ark of the Covenant was sitting on her desk waiting to be reviewed.
Disney World Installs Animatronic District Judge To Block Animatronic Trump
ORLANDO, FL — Disney World’s Hall of Presidents was updated over the weekend to include a new animatronic district judge to block all actions by its animatronic President Trump.
Iranian President Worried This Tucker Guy Might Be A Little Extreme
TEHRAN — Sources close to the regime reported that Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian expressed worry during his highly publicized X interview that this Tucker Carlson guy might be a little extreme.
‘That’s Neat Buddy,’ Says Dad Understanding Nothing Of What His Kid Just Told Him About Roblox
Local dad Sam Moore offered his son several vague affirmations this morning, understanding absolutely nothing of what he was being told about Roblox.
Nation Wondering If Government Gonna Bankrupt Us Anyway If Maybe They Could Buy Us All A Switch 2
U.S. — Citizens have begun wondering if the federal government couldn’t just buy everyone a Switch 2 if it’s already intent on bankrupting us anyways.
Thyroid Sick Of Getting Blamed For All Of Woman’s Character Flaws
FRITCH, TX — Local woman Denise Stanton’s thyroid gland has gotten increasingly fed up with getting blamed for all of her shortcomings.