CHICAGO, IL — City officials were relieved to get some unexpectedly positive news following the holiday weekend, as Chicago shootings were reportedly down, as the guy who keeps track of all the shootings got shot.
Babylon Bee
English Bobbies Race Past 5 Stabbings To Tackle Offensive Social Media Poster
LONDON — In a courageous display of British defense of law and order, English bobbies were seen racing past five stabbings to tackle an offensive social media poster.
Ghost Of Beethoven Overjoyed To Hear Magnum Opus In Toothpaste Commercial
U.S. — One of the world’s most revered musical geniuses was heard from for the first time in nearly two centuries, as the ghost of Ludwig van Beethoven expressed tremendous joy after hearing his magnum opus being used in a toothpaste commercial.
Hamas Terrorists Distance Selves From Greta Thunberg
GAZA — Following news that the diminutive eco-geopolitical activist was once again planning to set sail to arrive in support of the Palestinian cause, Hamas terrorists released an official statement distancing themselves from Greta Thunberg.
Dallas Cowboys Invoke 25th Amendment On Jerry Jones
DALLAS, TX — The Dallas Cowboys organization has officially moved to invoke the 25th amendment in order to remove owner Jerry Jones from power.
The Babylon Bee Updated Guide To Christian Lingo
Christians, you might have noticed, have their own unique way of talking that can seem like a completely different language. To help you translate, the Babylon Bee has compiled this handy updated guide to Christian phrases:
Congregation’s Men Hit By Sudden Wave Of Allergies During Singing Of ‘Old Rugged Cross’
TOMBALL, TX — A sudden, inexplicable wave of allergies struck the men of Redeemer Church this morning during the singing of "Old Rugged Cross".
Kamala Harris Last Seen Fleeing Dozens Of International Assassins After Trump Cancels Her Secret Service Protection
LOS ANGELOS, CA — Following President Trump’s recent cancellation of Kamala Harris’ Secret Service protection, the former Vice-President was seen fleeing dozens of international assassins.
Pastor Asks Drummer To Stop Adding The ‘In The Air Tonight’ Drum Fill To Every Worship Song
IRVINE, CA — The pastor of Lord’s Vine Church has reportedly taken the lead drummer from their praise team aside and formally warned him to stop adding the drum fill from Phil Collins’ "In the Air Tonight" to every worship song.
Man Not Sure If Wife Already In Pajamas Or Still In Pajamas
AMARILLO, TX — After local man Jeremy Long got home from work a little early on Thursday he was greeted by a wife wearing pajamas, forcing him to consider whether or not she was "already" in pajamas or "still" in pajamas.
Russia, Ukraine Reach New Type of Truce Where They Keep Bombing Each Other
UKRAINE — Following constructive talks about ending their war, the leaders of Russia and Ukraine have reportedly reached a new type of truce where they keep bombing each other indefinitely.
Newsom Announces He Is Anti-Crime Until Next Election
SACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom’s poll numbers have skyrocketed after he recently announced that he will be anti-crime until the next election.
Ms. Frizzle’s Class Fails Reading After Spending The Year Shrunk Down In Some Guy’s Blood Instead Of Learning To Read
WALKERVILLE — Students at Walkerville Elementary School will reportedly be held back a year after it came to light that their teacher, Ms. Valerie Frizzle, shrank them down to miniature size to spend the year in some guy’s blood instead of teaching them to read.
Study Finds Women Invented Rompers To Make Other Women Look Stupid
LOS ANGELES, CA — A groundbreaking scientific study discovered that women first invented rompers to make other women look stupid.
RFK Jr. Vows To Make Sure Chemtrails No Longer Contain Seed Oils
U.S. — Health Secretary RFK Jr promised to make Americans healthier by ordering a thorough review of airline chemtrails to ensure that they don’t contain any seed oils.
10 Surefire Ways To Get Out Of Debt Fast
If you have a crushing burden of debt weighing down your life, you need to get out fast. But how?
Waiter Flips Coin To See If He’s Going To Annoyingly Check In On You Every 3 Minutes Or Never Come Back To Your Table Again
TACOMA, WA — Local waiter Jesse Carter flipped a coin Wednesday night to determine if he was going to go check on his patrons every five minutes or take their orders and never come back to their table ever again.
New ‘Clue’ Board Game For Liberals Just Has You Blame The Murder Weapon
U.S. — Hasbro Gaming announced that it was expanding its board game library with a brand-new version of Clue, where you blame the murder weapon and never solve any crimes. Clue: Liberal Edition was being called the most interesting update in years for the popular game.
Trump Unveils ‘Wheel Of Random Country You Get Deported To’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his ongoing efforts to expedite the deportation of illegal aliens, President Donald Trump introduced an official "Wheel of Random Country You Get Deported To" that he can spin to figure out where he’s sending people.
Britain Announces Reverse Crusade Where They Invite Muslims To Come And Destroy England
LONDON — In what political analysts described as a historic turning point for Western Civilization, Great Britain announced a "Reverse Crusade" where they invite Muslims to come and destroy England.
Democrats Demand Common-Sense Prayer Control
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold response to the recent shootings in left-leaning cities, Democratic leaders courageously stepped up to demand common-sense prayer control.
10 Ways Taylor Swift And Travis Kelce Point Us To Christ
As the male staff of the Babylon Bee wiped away tears after seeing the engagement photos, we couldn’t help being overcome by all the ways Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce point us to Christ. Here are just ten of them:
Nation That Once Charged Into Certain Death For Freedom Now Letting Their Daughters Handle The Rape Gangs
SCOTLAND — According to reports, the homeland of William Wallace has shifted away from charging into certain death in the name of freedom to just letting their teenage daughters handle the violent rape gangs.
Overcorrection? Cracker Barrel Adds Confederate Flag To Logo And Changes Name To ‘The South Will Rise Again’
LEBANON, TN — Questions continue to swirl over whether perhaps Cracker Barrel went too far overcorrecting as it unveiled a logo featuring a Confederate flag and the new name "The South Will Rise Again."
UK Enacts Plan To Stop Rape Gangs By Arresting All Potential Rape Victims
SCOTLAND — As part of a sweeping effort to put a stop to Arab migrant rape gangs terrorizing the country, UK authorities have begun rounding up and arresting all potential rape victims.
Southwest To Require Your Mom To Charter Entire Plane
DALLAS, TX — As part of a company-wide initiative to increase revenue and provide a greater level of comfort for its passengers, Southwest Airlines announced that, effective immediately, your mom would be required to charter the entire plane to accommodate her.
Travis Kelce Finally Acquires Ring Without Help Of Referees
U.S. — Travis Kelce, long-time tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, has finally acquired an expensive ring without the help of NFL referees.
Instant Sainthood: Man Installs Car Seat Without Cussing
ST. LOUIS, MO — Witnesses report that Micah Rupe was granted instant sainthood after he properly installed a car seat without cussing even once.
Travis Kelce Says He’ll Write His Own Wedding Vows as Soon as He Learns How to Spell ‘Psyched’
LEAWOOD, KS — Football star Travis Kelce will reportedly write his own vows for his upcoming wedding to American pop star Taylor Swift just as soon as he learns how to spell "psyched".
Trump Vows To Nationalize As Many Private Companies As It Takes To Defeat Socialism
WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump announced this week his administration plans on nationalizing as many private businesses and companies as possible in order to fight socialism.