READING, PA — According to sources, a local mother was carefully looking through the toy aisles of a nearby store for the perfect present that her child would break in four seconds.
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Junior Cartel Member Excited To Already Be Getting To Drive Boat
CARACAS — A young employee’s burgeoning career took a massive step forward this week, as a junior cartel member was excited to find out that he was already getting an opportunity to drive the boat.
Man Longs For Good Old Days When Black Friday Shopping Was Done In Person And Everyone Feared For Their Lives
BEAUMONT, TX — Local man Michael Strong looked wistfully out the window, longing for the good old days when Black Friday shopping was all in person and people feared for their very lives.
Sad: Man Who Missed Black Friday Forced To Buy TV For Same Price But Without Giant ‘BLACK FRIDAY SALE’ Tag
RENO, NV — After missing out on Black Friday shopping, local man Chris Rogers was forced to purchase a new television for the exact same price but without a "BLACK FRIDAY SALE" tag.
‘Oh Lord, Bless This Food To My Body,’ Says Man Eating 6 Kinds Of Leftover Pie For Breakfast
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Local man Dan Flannigan prayed this morning for the Lord to bless to the nourishment of his body the six kinds of leftover pie he would be consuming for breakfast.
Scholars Believe Young Rich Man Went Away Sad When Jesus Told Him To Sell All His Possessions Because He Had The Nintendo Power Glove
OXFORD — One of the most well-known stories from the biblical gospels took on a whole new meaning this week, as a team of scholars revealed that they now believe the young rich man went away sad when Jesus told him to sell all his possessions because he…
‘No Thanks,’ Says Hungry Homeless Man After Being Offered Marshmallow Jello Salad
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New reports indicated that local homeless man John Brill politely yet firmly refused a passerby’s offer of free leftover marshmallow jello salad earlier today, despite having not eaten in several days.
Turkey Pardoned By Biden Administration 4 Times Commits Violent Turkey Murder
PORTLAND, OR — A turkey that had previously been pardoned by former President Joe Biden four times was reportedly arrested in connection with a violent turkey murder.
Cheer Up, Libs! Here Are 10 Things Even You Can Be Thankful For This Year
Conservatism may be the superior political ideology, but don’t beat yourself up, liberals. There’s still plenty to be thankful for this year.
Reminder: If You Leave Your Kids Home Alone This Holiday Season, Make Sure They Have Plenty Of Paint Cans, Blowtorches, And A Cutout Of Michael Jordan
U.S. — Authorities issued a public service announcement in time for the holiday season, reminding parents that if they leave their children home alone, they should ensure that they have access to plenty of paint cans, a blowtorch, and a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan. In a pinch,…