WASHINGTON, D.C. — Anguished gobbles were heard throughout the Beltway this morning, after news broke that President Donald Trump would be executing all the turkeys pardoned by former President Joe Biden’s autopen.
Babylon Bee
Pastor Installs ‘Heresy Gong’ For When Associate Pastor Preaches
AMARILLO, TX — Local pastor Robbie Ashlock has installed a "Heresy Gong" in the sanctuary for whenever the associate pastor is up to preach.
Average IQ In Congress Expected To Rise Rise Significantly After MTG Resigns
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announcing her resignation in January, the average IQ in Congress is expected to rise about 7,000 points.
Mom Continues Longstanding Tradition Of Making Cranberry Sauce For No One
LANSING, MI — Local mom Janet Fields has continued her decades-long tradition of making cranberry sauce for no one to eat.
‘I’m Going To Collect Nutcrackers,’ Explains Serial Killer
TOPEKA, KS — Local serial killer Roger Thompson spent all morning today explaining his deep passion for collecting nutcrackers.
Trump To Host Exciting New Game Show ‘WHICH MEMBER OF CONGRESS SHOULD I HAVE EXECUTED NEXT?’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration announced plans this week for the president to host a thrilling game show for members of Congress in which the audience must help determine who he executes next.
Starbucks Appeals To Men With New Zyn Spice Frappucino
SEATTLE, WA — In an effort to attract more male customers, Starbucks announced the release of its new Zyn Spice Frappuccino.
Trump Has Spoken: These 12 Crimes Of Sedition Are Now Punishable By Death
Provoked by Democratic lawmakers calling on the military to refuse orders from their commander-in-chief, President Donald Trump made several posts on Truth Social declaring a long list of crimes as sedition and punishable by death.
Breaking: Hamas Breaches White House Perimeter
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump was rushed to an emergency bunker below the East Wing following reports that a member of Hamas breached the White House perimeter.
17 Illegal Immigrants Found Hiding Under Pope’s Hat
VATICAN CITY — Following his public statement condemning the Trump administration’s hardline immigration policies, a shocking new report indicated that 17 illegal immigrants had been found hiding under Pope Leo XIV’s hat.