U.S. — Thanks to Tuesday’s global Internet outage, tens of thousands of career-ending social media posts were thwarted.
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Megachurch Now Lets Congregants Set Pastor To 2x Preaching Speed
IRVINE, CA — In an attempt to draw in more members, New Hope Crosspointe Church introduced a new feature this past Sunday, allowing congregants to set the pastor to a 2x speaking speed so they can end the service faster and get back to their lives.
Mom Needs You To Come Over And Fix Whatever She Did To The TV
U.S. — According to sources, your mom just called because she desperately needs to talk to you. She needs you to come over and fix whatever she did to the TV.
Troubling New Survey Shows 90 Percent Of Graduating High School Seniors Don’t Know The Airspeed Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow
PALO ALTO, CA — A startling new study out of Stanford University shows almost all graduating high school seniors in the U.S. are unable to recall the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
Scholars Now Believe Number Of The Beast Is Actually 67
JERUSALEM — In a development which many see as an irrefutable sign of the impeding end times, biblical scholars and historians have reached a consensus that the Number of the Beast is actually 67.
Flintstones Vitamins With Ozempic Now Available For Fat Kids
MORRISTOWN, NJ — Drug manufacturer Bayer announced this week that they are releasing their popular Flintstones vitamins with added Ozempic to help slim down fat kids.
Teenager Struggling To Stay Awake After Only Getting 14 Hours Of Sleep
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Sources say local teenager Ben Jackson was really struggling to stay awake the day after only getting 14 hours of sleep.
Report: MAGA Now Divided Into 77,302,580 Distinct Factions
U.S. — New polling data suggests the MAGA movement has split into approximately 77,302,580 distinct factions.
New Dad-GPT Just Responds To All Queries With “OK”
SILICON VALLEY, CA — AI has become more lifelike than ever before, say advance users of OpenAI’s new "Dad-GPT," which responds to all queries with a simple "OK."
After Latest Head Injury, Fetterman Announces He’s Joining Whig Party
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After suffering yet another head injury, Senator John Fetterman announced he was joining the Whig Party.